How To Save A Life
by TheCaneOfBates
Summary: Modern A/U. John Bates is a Captain in the British army, about to retire after he has embarked on his final deployment to Afghanistan. Will he and his wife, Anna, get their happy ending?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N- For those following 'Living In Sin,' I haven't abandoned it. It's just, this came into my mind as I say with my boyfriend as he watched 3, yes that's 3, football matches in a row this afternoon. Modern AU fictions are where my heart lies, it would seem. **

**I have no knowledge of the British Army, I just Googled and researched a little bit. If there are any glaring mistakes please let me know. The truth is, the majority of this story will be focused on what happens once John leaves the army. **

**I didn't waste any time in getting to the smut, so this is rated M from the get go. There aren't many fictions where John and Anna are together from the start so this might make a nice change. The courting is all well and good, but when it comes down to it we all like to see them happily married as soon as. **

**Disclaimer:** Anna, John and Robert belong to Julian Fellowes, ITV etc

* * *

'Ready or not, here I come...'

John Bates tiptoed around the bedroom. He knew where they were. Their squeals gave them away in the first instance, now their incessant giggling was telling John all he needed to know about their whereabouts. Walking to the first bed, he got down on his knees and looked underneath it.

'Well, they aren't under Oscar's bed. I wonder if they are under Dylan's bed...'

Walking to the bed a little further along, John smiled as their giggles became full blown laughter. Treading carefully past them, John once again got down on all fours and looked under the bed.

'Nope.' John shook his head as he stood up. 'Not Dylan's bed either. Where could they be?'

'Daddy!' One of the boys shouted out loud, his excitement becoming too much.

John remained unperturbed, turning to face their actual hiding place. 'Now, how about the wardrobe?'

Walking slowly to the wardrobe, John saw the doors partially open as Dylan saw him, before quickly pulling it closed again. Placing his hands on the handles, he pulled the wardrobe doors open.

'Boo.' The two boys faces were beaming as they leapt out of the wardrobe into John's arms. 'I win.'

'Can we have another go?' Oscar asked as John put them both on the ground.

'Come on boys. Remember what Mummy said. After two games of hide and seek it is time to go to bed.'

'And we must do what Mummy says, Oscar,' Dylan advised his younger brother.

'Wise words, young man,' John nodded, patting his son on the head. 'Ossy, listen to your brother. Now, Oscar you jump into bed, and Dylan, you come and sit on Daddy's knee.'

Both boys did as their father instructed, Oscar scrambling under his cover as John sat on the edge of the bed. Dylan jumped on his father's lap.

'Now, you know Daddy is going away tomorrow. For a little while...'

'Six months.' Dylan interrupted. 'That's half a year, Daddy. That's a long time.'

John closed his eyes at his son's candidness. 'It will pass in no time. You know Daddy is going to help some people in another country.'

'Will you be flying in the helicopter, Daddy?' Oscar asked excitedly. 'And using your gun to shoot the bad people?'

'Hopefully I won't have to use my gun that much, Ossy' John replied. 'And I will probably be going in the helicopter, yes.'

'But you'll be back, won't you Dad?' Dylan looked up expectedly at his father.

John swallowed hard, this was the part about being a soldier he found the hardest. Having to say goodbye and making promises he wasn't sure he could keep. In all likelihood, John would return in six months time and enjoy his retirement. After twelve years in the army, rising to the rank of captain, John had had his fill. He needed the army when he joined up. His marriage was failing, he was at risk of falling into a downward spiral of alcoholism as his wife, Vera had affair after affair. He joined the army to garner some stability in his life, a purpose. He was 30 then. Now 42 and a veteran of three deployments, John had decided this would be his last. He had served his country with pride and honour ever since he had joined the Yorkshire regiment. It was time to leave and put his family first. He thought the army had been his saviour, yet an angel walked into his life, or rather the Prince of Wales pub, seven years previously and John's life was never going to be the same again.

Anna Smith. She was blonde, the owner of stunningly beautiful blue eyes. her figure was faultless and her smile took John's breath away. John knew he was in love with her before he even heard Anna speak. It was also clear she was much younger than him -ten years younger as John found out when he began to speak to her- yet that didn't seem to matter. John and Anna simply clicked, there was chemistry between them from the start that John had never come close to feeling when he was with Vera. He just had to have her. It took six months for John to get his girl, proposing the night before he was deployed to Iraq. Anna accepted. As soon as John returned, his divorce confirmed whilst overseas, they shared a simple ceremony at the local registry office. It wasn't much, but was all they could afford with John's Private's salary and Anna's wages as a sales assistant in a local bookshop. It was enough though. To just be known as Mr and Mrs Bates and to be able to live together was all that John and Anna wanted.

Now, seven years down the line the two of them were living in Army accommodation with their two perfect sons. Dylan was 5, the eldest and, unfortunately for him in John's opinion, the spitting image of his father. Oscar on the other hand had inherited the Smith genes in every sense. Blonde hair, sparkling blue eyes and, whilst Dylan was more reserved like his Dad, Oscar inhabited his mother's enthusiasm for life. They were like chalk and cheese but to John they were flawless. They were his boys, the children he never thought he would have.

Leaving Anna to go on tour was hard enough, but to leave the boys was heartbreaking. He had only had to do it once before, when Dylan was just over a year and Oscar a newborn. Dylan was turning three months when Anna found out she was expecting Oscar. It was a surprise to be expecting again so quickly but Anna and John were overjoyed.

Now they both understood their Dad's job and what could happen when he was gone, especially Dylan who was a lot wiser than his 5 years would suggest. Looking down at his eldest son's face, John answered the question he had posed as positively as he could. To give them something to look forward to.

'When Daddy comes home, how about he finally takes you both to see that United game he has been promising?'

'Yeah,' Oscar said excitedly. 'Do you reckon they'd let me play?'

John laughed at his sons suggestion as Dylan jumped off his lap, without a word, and got into his own bed. John kept his gaze firmly on Dylan as he answered Oscar. 'You never know son. Are you alright, Dyl?'

'Yep,' Dylan replied weakly.

'Night night, Ossy,' John whispered, kissing his son on the forehead before pulling his covers up to his chin. Oscar's eyes were already drifting close as his father tucked him in. He had been this way since he was a baby. One minute he would be alert as anything, the next fast asleep. Smiling as he gently stroked Oscar's cheek, John moved across to kneel beside Dylan's bed.

'Dad's going to miss you,' John stroked Dylan's forehead. 'And Oscar. So much.'

'I really wish you didn't have to go.' Dylan stared up at the ceiling, John could see the tears welling up in his eyes.

'Now, none of that,' John said, sitting on the edge of Dylan's bed. 'When I'm away, you're the man of the house. You have to look after mummy. And Oscar. Can you do that for me?'

Dylan nodded, wiping a tear from his eye.

'That's my boy. Now, by the time Daddy comes back you'll be on your summer holidays. You know what me and Mum have promised for the summer.'

'Disneyland,' Dylan whispered excitedly, wary of his now sleeping brother only a short distance away.

'Exactly. So Daddy will be back. Of course he will be. I can't let my boys down, can I?'

'No,' Dylan replied, John relieved to see his mood brighten.

'I love you son, will you send me some of those fantastic drawings you do when I'm away?' Dylan nodded enthusiastically. 'Great. Now it's time you went to sleep. You have school in the morning.'

'Night Daddy. I love you.'

'I love you too, son.' John answered with a smile. 'Goodnight.'

With a kiss on his son's forehead, John stood up and walked to the door. With a glance over his shoulder at Oscar happily snoring and Dylan wriggling to get comfortable, John turned off the light.

* * *

Flicking through the endless satellite channels, laid out in his pyjama bottoms on the bed as Anna had a shower, John allowed himself to contemplate what the next six months had in store. He would be assisting Major Robert Crawley, a man John held in high regard and had a strong respect for. They had been to Iraq together 4 years previously. Since then, they had become good friends, sharing the types of memories only soldiers could possibly hold. It was going to be tough, but this was why John had joined the army. To fight for his country, to try and better people's lives. On his first tour, he had no one to leave behind. He was estranged from Vera, his mother lived down in London and all his friends were in the army too. In a strange way he looked forward to his deployment. Now he just wanted to get it over with, to get home and be with his family properly.

They had already prepared for John leaving the army. His mother had passed away, leaving all her assets to John, her only next of kin. They had sold the house, living in it not an option as Dylan had only just started a school in Yorkshire. It wouldn't be fair to uproot him so early on in his education. John and Anna had purchased a four bedroom house nearby, meaning, to the delight of their sons, they would each have their own room. Anna's salary as a receptionist for a local law firm, as well as some left over money from John's mother, would tide them over until John could find himself a new job. John couldn't wait to get home.

In the next moment, Anna appeared in the bedroom. Her short silk nightdress meant John had a wonderful view of Anna's legs. Even after seven years together, just under six years of marriage and two children, the attraction they felt for each other from the first moment in that pub had never waned. John drank in the view, Anna fully aware she was being watched. Looking in his direction, Anna felt her breath catch in her throat as she registered the way John was looking at her.

'What is the matter with you?' She asked finally, placing her hairbrush on the dresser next to the television.

'I'm just looking at you.' John replied, standing up and walking in Anna's direction. 'I enjoy watching you.'

Anna closed her eyes as she felt John's arms curl around her waist. She could feel the coarse black hair of his chest pressing into her back. Her heart felt like it was beating at a hundred miles an hour. Turning around in his embrace, she placed both her hands on each of John's strong upper arms. Being in the army meant he had to keep himself fit. Although he didn't possess quite the same toned body he did when she first met him, he was still trim and his arms were rigid under her touch.

'You never fail to turn me on,' Anna breathed, pressing her forehead against John's.

'Well, Mrs Bates,' John put his hands on Anna's waist and lifted her up, Anna wrapping her legs around his hips. John's hands came to rest on her bottom, keeping her steady as John pressed his lips against hers. 'Let's see what we can do about that.'

Anna buried her hands in his hair, kissing him languidly as he moved them both to the bed. Sitting down, he kept Anna in place, sitting on his lap as their kisses became deeper, John's hands moving to remove Anna's nightdress. She moaned out loud at the loss of contact to his lips, John resuming the kiss as soon as he had tossed her nightdress on the floor. John's palm settled on one of Anna's breasts, Anna moaning his name as he took her other nipple between his thumb and forefinger, watching it become hard before taking it in his mouth.

'John, I need you now,' Anna growled, tugging at the waistband to his pyjama bottoms.

Anna removed herself from his lap as John took off his trousers, before sitting back down. Anna was back on his lap almost as soon as he came into contact with the bed, grinding herself down on his arousal. He was already hard, the sight of Anna in her silk nightdress and the candour to her words already rendering him helpless. John shifted his hips and then he was inside her. She was hot and already wet from their brief exploits. This was the effect they both had on each other. The desire they felt for the other knew no bounds.

'Christ, Anna,' John hissed, taking in her body before looking down to see them joined together.

'I know,' Anna murmured, searching for his lips with her own. Their tongues tangled almost immediately, the need to taste each other overpowering.

John began to move his hips then, Anna reciprocating by grinding down on him. She could already feel a light throbbing, a pang of desire in the pit of her stomach. Her hands were placed on John's upper arms to keep her steady, his muscles contracting under her fingertips as he kneaded her bottom with his own hands. John knew Anna, he knew the things about her that only years of marriage could bring. She was close to reaching her end and John knew how to drive her onwards, his own climax edging nearer with each occasion Anna ground down on him.

'You're gorgeous, do you know that?' John whispered in her ear, his breath hot and heavy against her skin. 'You feel amazing to me right now. So wet, so smooth...'

'Oh John,' Anna quivered, almost in desperation as the first waves of pleasure began to move throughout her body.

'There is no finer sight to me than to see you like this, to run my hands all over your body, to know no one else will ever know you in this way ever again except for me...'

'Oh God...' In the next moment Anna was undone, John slowing down his movements as Anna collapsed against his body. He kissed the top of her head, allowing Anna to regain her senses but all the time moving himself inside her.

It wasn't long until he continued, the rhythm he had settled into a few moments previously was replaced by erratic thrusts, Anna's climax driving him on to reach his own. Anna began to place warm kisses on John's shoulders, his neck before placing her lips on his. John responded feverishly, taking her tongue inside his mouth as he felt himself empty within her, the kiss swallowing his moan as his movements halted.

'Bloody hell,' he breathed, lying back on the bed. 'You'll be the death of me.'

Anna moved up to lie beside him, lying on her side and stroking his face. 'I just hope I get the chance to be.'

* * *

Lying in the darkness, neither able to speak, John and Anna held hands in the darkness as they pondered the next six months.

'I knew what I was getting into when I married you,' Anna began. 'But it doesn't make it any easier. You're my husband, I need you here.'

'You know that I would rather stay,' John admitted, turning on his side as Anna did the same. Face to face, John placed his hand on Anna's hip. 'To be with you. To be with our boys. But it's my job. As soon as I am back we can live how we want to.'

'I don't know how I'd cope if I lost you,' Anna broke down, pressing her head against John's chest. John lay on his back and pulled her closer to him, Anna now tucking her head under his chin. She breathed in his scent. How she would miss his embrace when he was gone.

'Now you can wipe that idea out of your head.' John kissed her hair. 'I'll be back. We promised the boys we'd go to Disneyland and you know I'm not one to go back on my promise.'

'Yes,' Anna laughed slightly. 'And you promised me a proper white wedding. If we renew our vows.'

'See, I've got all these promises to keep. Not coming back isn't an option. And Dylan has promised me he will look after you and Ossy.'

'Well, I'll be in safe hands then.'

'You will.' John agreed.

Silence fell between them then, John contemplating sleep until Anna sighed slightly, indicating to John she had something else to say.

'You know that I love you, John Bates. To the army you're just another soldier, but to me you are the world.'

'I love you too,' John whispered. 'You and the boys are the best thing that ever happened to me. I can't wait to grow old with you. I imagine us, in twenty years time or so, having the boys around for Sunday lunch. Their wives, maybe even their children, sitting with us at the table. And I'll glance over at you, meet your beautiful eyes and we'll share a smile, safe in the knowledge that what we shared over those years was worth all these painful goodbyes.'

'That sounds wonderful.'

'It's going to happen,' John insisted. 'In six months time, our new life can begin...'


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N Let the angst begin. If you are looking for Banna fluff, this probably won't be the story for you. I hope this doesn't detract you from reading, even JoFro says she'd be bored if it was all plain sailing. **

**I got my information from this website: . . JCCC stands for The Joint Casualty and Compassionate Centre.  
**

**Disclaimer:** Downton belongs to Julian Fellowes, ITV and Carnival.

* * *

'Is this your first child, Mrs Bates?'

'Oh no, I have two boys,' Anna replied, sitting up on the bed and pulling her top down. John rested his chin on his hands and his elbows on the bed beside her, a distant look on his face as Anna chatted happily to the sonographer. Looking down, frowning slightly as she took in her husbands state, she tried to draw him into the conversation. 'Don't we, darling?'

'What's that?' John sat up, looking up to his wife who was smirking at him, an eyebrow raised.

'Two boys,' Anna said, slightly impatiently before patting her stomach. 'This little one isn't our first.'

'No,' John's face suddenly erupted into life. 'Dylan and Oscar, the apple of their Daddy's eyes.'

Anna smiled as she listened to John talk, enraptured as he described them both in detail to the sonographer.

'Well, now you have another little one's arrival to look forward to. I'll leave your folder at the reception desk, if you make your six month appointment scan and I shall see you in a few weeks.'

With those words, she left the couple alone, Anna slightly concerned as John drifted off into his own little word again. He had been home for a couple of days, deciding to take the fourteen days rest and recuperation owed to soldiers on a six month deployment to coincide with Anna's first scan. It had been a shock, neither of them could deny it. When he found out, John had only been on duty for a little over a month. John's base camp in Helmand had the facilities to accept emails. He couldn't believe his eyes as he read the words on the screen in front of him. Knowing in that moment he had to be there for the scan, like he was for both Dylan's and Oscar's, he requested the leave straight away, his Major and good friend Robert understanding of the situation.

'Everything alright, John?' Anna stood up, John doing the same as they prepared to leave the room.

'Fine,' John nodded with a none too convincing smile. 'Let's go home and show the boys their new brother or sister, shall we?'

After negotiating his first months in Afghanistan without too much incident, John spent his day of travelling home from the front thinking about his family. Anna, Dylan and Oscar were the centre of his universe, the three people who finally gave his life some meaning. His thoughts turned to the three of them at home, waiting for him whilst he was overseas. For a brief second, he felt selfish. Selfish that Anna had put her whole life on hold for him whilst he put his life on the line everyday to help people who didn't know him at all. Immediately, he shook the thought from his mind. John believed in the cause he was fighting for and Anna's support for him was unwavering. Their conversation as they said their farewell on the morning he left reverberated around his head as his plane touched down in England.

Anna whispered in John's ears, her hands resting on his shoulders as he wrapped his arms around her waist. 'When I was younger, imagining the man I'd marry and the life we'd share it was never as good as my life has been with you. I wouldn't change a single thing.'

'Nothing? Not even my choice of career?'

'God no.' Anna replied indignantly. 'You are an incredibly brave and selfless man, as is everyone you work with. Seeing you dressed in your blues at parades, even more so seeing you this morning I think to myself, 'that man is my husband' and I can't believe it. I feel so proud. I am so grateful you chose me to share your life with, I love you so much.'

'I love you too.' John allowed a solitary tear to fall down his cheek. 'I'm missing you already and I haven't even left yet.'

'Let's just work through it, one day at a time.' Anna wiped his tear away, using all the resolve she could muster to hold in her own emotions. 'Your fortnight back home, let's focus on that. About half way through usually, isn't it? Three months sounds a lot better than six months until we see each other again.'

And here they were. His first day home had been spent with his boys, playing football in the garden and a trip to the local zoo. Anna was radiant, as she had been through both of her previous pregnancies. As they went about the things they had planned to do, John would find himself focussing on Anna. She took his breath away. The way her sons made her laugh, the happiness she emanated when she was with them. To be the man who could give her that warmed his heart.

Although happy Anna was expecting, the joy he was feeling was tinged with a hint of trepidation. Before their third child was born, he was to serve the remaining three months of his deployment. He didn't dare think about meeting the baby, about being at Anna's side as she gave birth. His regiment had suffered a couple of fatalities whilst on operation. John didn't want to tempt fate. And this was what was troubling him as he and Anna saw their baby. The thought that he might never meet the small creature on the screen clouded all others as the sonographer pointed out arms and legs.

Reaching their home, Dylan and Oscar ran out of the house before John and Anna had even left the car. Anna's mother, Elizabeth, stood on the doorstep, arms folded and smiling happily as Anna embraced her sons.

'Mummy, can we see the baby picture?' Dylan asked excitedly as John scooped Oscar up in his arms.

'Everything alright?' Elizabeth gently stroked the top of Anna's arm.

'Perfect,' Anna nodded, smiling broadly as she looked up at John. 'Isn't it?'

'Yeah,' John said before almost immediately turning his attentions to his two excited sons. 'Let's go and make Mummy and Nanny a cup of tea shall we?'

The boys happily followed their father inside as Elizabeth looked at Anna, concern etched across her face. 'Is John okay? He seems a little indifferent about it all.'

'I don't know.' Anna shrugged before changing the subject. 'Gwen will be here in ten minutes, so we best get started on lunch.

'So I'll see you all on Sunday?' Elizabeth asked as Anna ushered her out. It was now seven in the evening, and although she loved her mother dearly, Anna couldn't wait to have John to herself. She had so many questions whirring around her mind.

'Yes Mum,' Anna 's whole demeanour was impatient as Elizabeth reached the door and turned to look at her daughter. 'Gwen will be coming as well, which will be nice.'

Gwen and Anna had been friends since secondary school. Both new to the area as shy eleven year olds, they latched on to each other and had been almost inseparable ever since. Nowadays, Gwen was single, living in her own flat a ten minute drive away from where Anna and John lived. She was a doctor, working as a GP in the local surgery. Her support to Anna was invaluable whilst John was away. She was very close to Dylan and Oscar as well, they referred to her as Aunty Gwen. Anna often didn't know what she would do without her best friend. Or her mother. Anna's father had died a couple of years previously, she and her mother growing ever closer in the aftermath. Elizabeth looked after the boys whilst Anna worked her three days a week as a secretary at a local law firm. There were so many people Anna relied upon, she truly was very lucky.

'It will be. Goodnight darling.' Elizabeth kissed Anna on the cheek before walking out of the door. 'Half past eleven, don't be late.'

'No Mum.'

Anna shut the door behind her mother and exhaled heavily. It had been a long day and understandably given her current condition, Anna was tired. As the boys played with their father in the garden, the women had discussed John and Anna's new home when John finished his deployment. They had already bought the property, wanting to secure it before it was sold to anybody else. The money left to John by his mother, as well as the funds from the sale of her house in London meant they had the means to buy the property a month before John left for Afghanistan. Anna, her mother and Gwen had already begun preparations for the family to move in almost as soon as John returned. John was reluctant to get involved in the conversation, choosing to focus on the barrage of footballs his sons were firing at him as he stood in goal.

She was concerned. Before he had left, John was waxing lyrical about their future together after he had left the army. As she stood at the living room door, taking him in as he stared into space, she frowned. Had he experienced something whilst on duty that had shook him up? Treading the carpet towards him carefully, she startled him a little as she placed a hand on his shoulder.

'Alone at last,' he murmured, taking her hand into his. He patted the sofa gently beside him, gesturing for Anna to sit down. She did so, John immediately pulling Anna into his embrace. 'I've missed this.'

'Me too,' Anna whispered, leaning into John's touch as he began to kiss her neck. 'How are you feeling?'

'Happy to be home.'

'And about the baby?' John remained silent as he considered Anna's question, ceasing the gentle kisses to Anna's neck and sighing softly. 'You've seemed indifferent about it all.' She turned to look at him as he continued to be quiet. 'John, tell me what's bothering you.'

He averted his eyes from Anna's watchful gaze, choosing instead to focus on the mantelpiece as he began to speak. 'We lost two guys, in an incident a few weeks ago. They were manning a check point when they were attacked. It hit us all hard. And, I guess it brought home to me nothing is certain.'

'And that's why you can't get excited about the baby, because you...'

'I am happy,' John interrupted Anna. 'Really, I am. But I was looking at the screen today, and all I could think was that I might not meet my own child.'

'John, please don't say that.' Anna leant forward, resting her head in her hands.

'Sorry, but it's true.' John moved so he was beside Anna. 'I just don't want to tempt fate.'

'Nothing has changed John. From when you left before to you going back now. The risk is still the same. The only difference is, instead of three of us waiting for you to come home,' Anna stopped to place a hand on her stomach, John's eyes followed her movement. 'four of us will be.'

John allowed himself to smile, Anna was right as she always was. What had happened to his comrades was devastating, but it didn't mean John would suffer the same fate. Troops were soon to be pulled out of Afghanistan completely, attacks on servicemen were becoming fewer. He knew in all likelihood he would be back three months later, ready to welcome their new baby into the world. He owed it to Anna to leave her feeling hopeful when he returned to the front line, his doubting wouldn't help matters.

'So, what names do you like?' Anna asked, settling back against the sofa as she saw John's features brighten. 'I think Riley for a boy.'

'Riley Bates?' John looked back at Anna, a sceptical eyebrow raised. 'Really?'

'What's wrong with Riley?' Anna exclaimed, resting her head on John's shoulder as he sat back next to her. 'Besides, it might even be a girl.'

'Imagine that, a baby daughter.'

'Any names for a girl?'

John exhaled heavily as he pondered Anna's question for a moment. 'Well, Dylan and Oscar aren't the most conventional names so it would need to be something not quite so common.'

'How about Zora? Or Tallulah?'

Shaking his head furiously, John let out a hearty laugh which was music to Anna's ears. He had been so troubled all day, it was nice to hear John laughing at last. 'Are you serious? Zora?'

'Alright,' Anna nudged John, sharing in his laughter. 'What did you have in mind?'

'How about Summer.' John suggested. 'Summer Louise. Now don't knock it until...'

'I like that.' Anna interrupted. 'Summer Louise Bates. Dylan... Oscar and Summer. Lovely.'

'See,' John began, reaching an arm around Anna's shoulders. 'I'm not just a pretty face.'

Anna stood up, holding her hand out for John to take. 'Indeed you are not. Fancy coming upstairs and showing me one of your many talents?'

'Why go upstairs?' John asked, pulling Anna back down onto his lap. He brushed his lips gently against hers. 'The sofa is just as comfortable. We know that from experience.'

'Dylan, Oscar, you have five minutes then it's bath time.'

Anna appeared at the living room door, both her sons were sitting at the coffee table drawing pictures to send off to their father. John was in the last month of his deployment, a fortnight remained and Anna was now over half way through her pregnancy. It felt good that it was a matter of weeks rather than months until her husbands return. Smiling as she watched both Dylan's and Oscar's faces screwed up in concentration, she sat on the sofa to get a closer look at their artwork.

Now in year one at school, Dylan really was becoming the image of John, piercing green eyes, dark hair and a beautiful smile. Dylan was definitely his father's son. He had found it tough without John around for the past few months. Each time they had spoken on the phone, Dylan would often be withdrawn for hours afterwards. Anna was relieved upon his return John would be leaving the army for good. Dylan would be so much happier to have his Dad around all the time, without the threat of another deployment.

Oscar was a lot more at ease with the situation. Anna tried to put it down to the fact Dylan was older, but he wasn't by much. Her eldest son was a deep thinker, and intelligent for his age. Oscar had started primary school whilst John had been in Afghanistan, and Anna had missed the support of John as their youngest made the transition into full time education. Her mother and Gwen had been her rocks, an excellent support network and their help had softened the blow of John's absence.

'Mummy, you know when we go to Disneyland?' Oscar asked, putting the lid back on the felt tip he was using. 'Can I get a Lightning McQueen car?'

'We'll see, remember Mummy might not be able to fly because of the baby. We will discuss it when Daddy comes home.' Anna replied, standing up once again. 'Finish up your pictures boys. Aunty Gwen will be here soon and I'm sure you want her to read your bedtime stories rather than your boring old Mummy.'

Her prediction had been correct. Anna continued with dinner as Gwen read the boys their story. The time was ticking closer to eight o clock, so when her phone rang Anna was a little surprised. John had said he would call again at the weekend, and her mother was at a Spa break with the ladies from bingo. Furrowing her brow, she wiped her hands on a tea towel before picking up her mobile. It was a number she didn't recognise.

'Hello,' Anna said tentatively.

'Good evening. Is that Mrs Bates?'

'It is.'

'Hello Mrs Bates, I am the casualty notification officer for your husband's operation in Afghanistan.'

Suddenly, it was as if everything around Anna had dissolved, her heart was thundering in her chest. Only one thought was running through her mind.

'Is he dead?'

'No, Mrs Bates. He isn't,' the man replied. 'But he has been seriously injured. He has a bullet wound to his right knee, sustained on a routine operation led by Major Crawley. Do you understand, Mrs Bates? Mrs Bates?'

Anna was in a blur. She didn't know how to feel. Relief washed over her as she realised John was alive, yet he was wounded. And seriously so.

'Yes,' Anna shook herself out of her thoughts. 'Yes I do. Is he alright?'

'He was operated on and they have saved your husbands leg.'

'Thank God,' Anna whispered.

'He will not be able to walk unaided for a while. The JCCC, have you heard of them?'

'Erm, yes.' Anna replied, pinching the bridge of her nose, trying to take everything in. 'They make arrangements to get the soldiers home, don't they?'

'Exactly. Well, Captain Bates will stay in a hospital in Helmand for a week before being flown home. He should be home in the next fortnight.'

'Okay. Is there anything I can do?' Anna asked. 'Between now and then?'

'Just prepare to welcome your husband home. We will be in touch. Please be assured your husband is in the best possible hands, Mrs Bates.'

'I don't doubt it,' Anna replied. 'Thank you for calling.'

Hanging up, Gwen appeared in the kitchen, closing the door behind her. ' The boys are sound asleep. I heard you talking to someone. Everything alright?'

'John's been injured. A bullet wound in his leg.' Anna sat at the table. 'He'll be home in a fortnight.'

'Thank God he's alright.' Gwen sat opposite Anna, placing a hand over the top of hers. 'That's the main thing.'

'Yeah,' Anna agreed, smiling faintly. 'Thank God.'

Anna paced the floor outside the barracks reception, waiting for John to return from the local RAF base where he would be flying in. John travelled back with Major Crawley, on the majors insistence. Others injured were also accompanying him, a few other people gathered to welcome their loved ones home. He wasn't alone, and that was a comfort to Anna. Suddenly, an army vehicle drove into the barracks, stopping outside reception. Anna saw Robert first as two other soldiers exited the vehicle. One had his arm in a sling, the other was on crutches. They were reunited with their families, a little further along from where Anna was standing. Her breath caught in her throat as John appeared. The first thing she noticed was his crutches, then his knee, heavily bandaged.

John walked beside Robert, the latter carrying John's bag as Anna came into view. She was really showing now, although John didn't allow himself to focus on that. Two young lads had been lost in the attack in which his knee had been injured. They were all John could seem to think about ever since they were ambushed just under a couple of weeks previously. As Anna moved towards them. Robert stood aside as she threw her arms around John. She was crying as John weakly draped an arm around her waist, his other hand leaning on his crutch to keep him upright.

Standing back, Anna's eyes focussed on his knee. 'John, I...'

'I'm just going to pop inside and use the toilet. Won't be a minute.'

Anna frowned, nodding to acknowledge John's wishes before stepping aside to allow him to walk by her. Robert recognised the confused look on Anna's face. She was expecting John to be completely shaken up, but she wasn't expecting the cold nature of their greeting.

'Mrs Bates. Anna,' Robert began, making sure John was out of ear shot before continuing. 'John's physical wounds may seem bad, but I think you should know he is suffering mentally. We lost two young lads, John saw what happened to them. He watched them...'

'Oh God,' Anna brought a hand to her mouth. 'He watched them die.'

'He saved my life, Anna. Pushing me out of the line of fire. And a Private aswell. But he feels he could have done more to save the ones we lost. And it's hit him hard. He's point blank refused any psychiatric assistance thus far.'

'What should I do?'

Robert sighed, shrugging his shoulders. 'Don't push him. If he wants to talk, he will do. Just be there when he is ready.' He placed a hand on Anna's shoulder. 'I really do owe John my life, Anna. I want to help in any way I can.'

Robert looked up to see John making his return. He smiled warmly at Anna, handing her John's bag. 'I'll be in touch. Goodbye John.'

'Sir,' John nodded before Robert moved away from them. Suddenly, it was just him and Anna. ' Let me take my bag. You can't carry it, in your condition.'

'No, it's fine. It's really not that heavy.' Anna insisted.

'Car this way is it?' John asked, pointing in the direction of the line of parked cars.

'Yes.'

John began to walk, a few steps ahead of Anna. In all their time together, over ten years, she could never remember John being as cold towards her as he was being now. It shook her somewhat. What had he seen? What had he been through?

The boys had been excited to see their Daddy home, and he had tried his best to be upbeat for them. They were weary of his leg, not quite sure how to behave around John as he tried to adjust to being home. He wasn't right though, Anna knew him and could see right through his attempts to be cheerful. Dylan and Oscar asked John be the one to put them to bed. He obliged, albeit not entirely willingly. Anna sat downstairs in the kitchen, waiting for him to come back down. She was nervous and she couldn't understand why. This man was her husband, her soul mate. She had no need to be nervous.

'The boys are asleep.'

John appeared at the kitchen door, changed into his pyjama shorts and a t shirt. His bandaged knee was prominent as he limped to the kettle.

'Let me make you a tea,' Anna said, standing up to join him.

'No, I can manage.' John snapped, immediately closing his eyes as the harshness in his tone lingered in the air. 'Sorry.'

'It's fine,' Anna retreated back to the table. 'I'm just relieved to have you home in one piece.'

'Unlike William and Matthew,' John muttered under his breath.

'What?'

'Nothing. Look, do you mind if I sleep down here tonight?' John asked, staring intently at the kettle as it boiled. 'I'm not sleeping and I don't want to disturb you.'

'You could never disturb me, John. I am your wife, I want to be there for you.'

'Even still, I'd feel better knowing you were getting a peaceful nights rest.' John continued, reaching into the cupboard for a mug. 'I've set up the sofa.'

'If that's what you want.' Anna walked towards the kitchen door. John could see she was upset, reaching out for her hand as she walked past him.

'Good night.' He forced a smile, squeezing Anna's hand.

Nodding, Anna continued out of the room. As soon as she had closed the door behind her, the tears began to flow. What concerned her more than John's distantness, were the things that he must have experienced to make him feel this way. What had happened to her husband?


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N Thanks for the reviews, they really do brighten my day. Without giving too much away, I'd just like to clarify that this is going to get much worse before it gets better. I wanted to write an 'angsty' piece, something different to the usual (albeit wonderful) fluff that is written about Banna. I hope this doesn't put people off. **

**Nothing too graphic is said, but some of the dialogue points towards John having seen some things that aren't too nice. **

**Disclaimer: **Nothing belongs to me , Downton belongs to Julian Fellowes, ITV and Carnival.

* * *

Leaning against the wall, looking around his new, half empty living room, John was wishing he was anywhere but here. He closed his eyes as he heard his sons thundering about upstairs, giggling as they explored their new home. Swallowing hard, another flashback from his time in Afghanistan invaded his senses. Gunshots all around him, men shouting in a foreign language, screaming...

'John. You're shaking.' Jolted from his memory, he felt Anna's hand on his shoulder. 'Are you alright?'

He nodded, reaching for his crutches before limping away to the other side of the room. Anna sighed, this was becoming an all too common occurrence. She had found him becoming more distant with each passing moment, not willing to let Anna in, dismissing her with a nod of the head and a weak smile. Not only was John not opening up about his experiences in Afghanistan, it seemed he would do anything to avoid even holding Anna's hand. She would be lying if she said she wasn't worried.

Anna had thought moving away from army accommodation and completely into civilian society might help the situation. The rooms upstairs were fully furnished first, the two of them and their sons had moved in a few days previously. Yet, John had insisted on staying downstairs, still relying on his excuse of not wanting to disrupt Anna and her rest. Little did John know that Anna was so troubled by John's current state of mind, she hadn't slept properly since he came home.

'Gwen and Mum are helping the removal men bring in the last of the boxes.' Anna explained, feeling strangely awkward. 'I thought we could go out for a meal together tonight, then tackle the rest of the unpacking tomorrow?'

'Not sure I fancy it.'

'Right, well myself and the boys need to eat. So do you mind if I take them with Mum and Gwen?'

'Do whatever you like,' John shrugged, moving to look out of the window. 'I think I might pop out for a bit actually.'

'Go out?' Anna was dumbfounded. 'We have just moved into a new house, it's all hands on deck and although you can't lift anything, you can unpack a few boxes surely...'

'I just don't feel up to it,' John hobbled past Anna to the door to be met by Gwen. He stepped back to let her pass him.

'Honestly, the amount of junk you two have accumulated over the years.' Gwen moaned, placing the box she was carrying on the floor. She looked from Anna to John, Gwen could definitely sense an atmosphere.

'I won't be long.' With those words, John left. Anna raised a hand to her forehead, trying desperately to keep her emotions in check. Gwen placed an arm around her shoulders. She gestured for her friend to sit down.

'Anna, what is going on?'

'That's the thing, Gwen,' Anna sobbed as she sat on the sofa. 'I have no idea.'

'Mummy, Oscar says he wants to paint his room black but I told him you and Daddy would say no.' Anna and Gwen turned to see Dylan at the door and heard Oscar treading the floorboards of the hall behind him. 'Where is Daddy?'

'Erm...' Anna had no answer as Oscar bounded past Dylan to sit on her lap.

'Well boys,' Gwen realised she would have to take over the situation, so the boys wouldn't catch on that there was anything wrong. 'He's gone to get some more medicine for his leg. To make it better. He'll be back later.'

'Is John alright? He's just completely ignored me as I tried to talk to him outside.' Elizabeth appeared, undoing the buttons on her coat.

'I tell you what,' Anna announced, shifting Oscar from her knees and standing up. 'Let's all go out for something to eat. The restaurant with the playground in the garden. How about that?'

'Yes please, Mum.' Dylan replied excitedly.

'Go and get your shoes on boys, Dylan, help your brother.' Anna smiled. With her sons now leaping around, Anna's happiness was restored a great deal.

'Anna, what is going on?' Elizabeth whispered, making sure her grandsons were out of earshot.

'I don't know Mum. I really don't know.'

* * *

He must have been walking for hours. John had finally decided what he needed to do, who he needed to talk to. Standing on the doorstep, John thought twice about ringing the bell. The truth was, he was close to falling over the edge. He didn't know what to do. Ever since he came around from his operation, his mind had been consumed with the vision of the two young men laying beside him as he waited to be rescued, as he drifted in and out of consciousness. Only a few minutes previously had they been talking about how they couldn't wait to get home, to see their families and friends. People who were now mourning their loss.

Suddenly, the door opened. John was greeted by a familiar face, smiling warmly.

'Hello John,' the woman said in an American accent. 'How are you? How is the leg?'

'Hi Cora, It could have been worse,' John replied, looking down at his leg. 'Is Robert in?'

'Yes, he's watching the football. I'm sure he'd like some company. I'm just off to see an old friend.'

'Right,' John smiled weakly as Cora stepped outside.

Watching her walk down the path, he waited until she was out of the gate before entering the house. Closing the door behind him, the sound of a football crowd filled his ears. Arriving at Robert's living room door, he looked at his old comrade, beer in hand staring intently at the screen in front of him. John felt better knowing that he was in the company of someone who had been there, who had some idea of what he was going through.

'Hello John,' Robert said, looking over his shoulder before standing up to greet his friend. 'This is unexpected.'

'I can go if it's not a good time.'

'No, stay. I'll always have time for you.' Robert smiled, switching the television off. 'Beer? Tea perhaps?'

'I'm good, it's just...' John broke down, unable to hold back any longer. 'God Robert, I'm a mess. I need to talk to someone. Someone who was there.'

'Come into the kitchen, I'll make you a tea...'

'No, I'm fine really.' John insisted

Robert stepped closer to John. He was shivering. 'You must be freezing man, how long have you been walking for?'

'I don't know,' John shrugged. 'A few hours perhaps.'

'Get into the kitchen. I'm making you a tea and you will drink it even if I have to force it down your throat.'

Once in the kitchen, John sat at the table and descended into deep thought as Robert moved around him, preparing them both a cup of tea. He sat with his hands clasped together, cracking his fingers. Robert shot concerned glances at John intermittently before joining him at the table, placing a mug down in front of him.

'Thank you,' John instantly clamped his cold hands around the warm mug.

'You really should make use of the army psychiatrist, John. There are people that can help you.'

'No, no way,' John shook his head furiously. 'I don't want to see anyone.'

Robert sighed as he watched John take a sip of his tea. 'How are Anna and the boys? Excited about the new baby no doubt.'

'What?' John looked at Robert with a confused expression before what he had been asked sunk in. 'I guess so.'

'You don't sound too excited about having a new son or daughter.'

'Maybe because I'm not,' John said matter-of-factly. 'None of it matters, really.'

'Are you serious?' Robert chortled. 'Your family doesn't matter? You might be struggling with some issues John, but to say such a thing. It's ridiculous.'

'I just can't deal with being around them at the moment. I should be the happiest man in the world. I survived a six month deployment in Afghanistan, my beautiful wife is expecting our third child, our first two are healthy, perfect even. And all I can think is I don't deserve any of it.'

'What do you mean you don't...'

'Why should I be happy, when two young lads, William and Matthew, lost their lives and I could have saved them?' John interrupted Robert, he was shouting now. Robert couldn't believe what he was hearing. 'They are never going to meet the love of their lives, become a father.'

'John, there was nothing more you could have done. You couldn't have anticipated the grenade.'

'I could have told them to get out though,' John argued. 'Once I'd pushed you out of the way of the bullet, they insisted on making sure I was alright.'

'It all happened so quickly, John. The grenade hit the moment I realised you were badly injured. Then the rubble separated us. They wouldn't have been able to get out even if you had told them to.'

'Then I was laying there, with them beside me. Both took the full impact of the blast. I didn't recognise them.' Robert looked at John's hands, the force of them shaking causing the cup he was holding to knock against the dining room table.

'I tried to get to you as quickly as I could,' Robert replied. The sound of Robert's cries for help reverberated around John's head. 'But we still had some of the enemy to defeat.'

'You did all you could.' John shook his head. 'I don't blame you. Its just, I think about William and Matthew all the time. All I feel is guilt. I feel guilty for being home with my family. I just find it hard to be around them.'

'What does Anna say about this?'

John exhaled deeply before meeting Robert's gaze. 'I haven't told her.'

'What?' Robert was amazed. 'Doesn't she suspect something is wrong?

'I'm sure she does, but the problem is I just don't care. As I said before, for me at the moment nothing matters. If that makes me selfish, then I'm sorry.'

'You need to speak to someone, John. A professional. Or if you're not careful, you'll lose everything.'

* * *

Sitting in the kitchen, John looking on indifferently as his sons ate their lunch beside him. Their happy chatter washed over John as he stared at the wall behind them, having hardly touched his own lunch. In the next moment, John felt someone tugging on his shirt sleeve. Looking down, he saw Oscar looking up at him expectantly, like he was waiting for John to say something.

'Daddy, can we?' He asked before taking another bite of his sandwich.

'Can we what?' John asked, rather harshly.

'Do some painting after lunch?' Dylan said. 'Mummy said we could once everything was unpacked.'

'I suppose,' John shrugged, picking up his plate and walking to the counter, dropping his sandwiches in the bin.

'John, I need you to watch the boys for an hour. I've just got to go into town.' Anna arrived in the kitchen, kissing each of her sons on the cheek before moving towards John. 'Can you manage that?'

'Yes, I've done it before, haven't I?' Walking past Anna, brushing her slightly as he did so, he stopped to turn to his sons. 'I'll be in the living room if you need me for anything.'

'Boys, be good for Daddy.' Anna kissed them both again before following John to the living room. 'For goodness sake John. I have tried to be patient but I will not have you dismissing your sons like that. You should be spending time with them.'

'Just go to town, will you?' John snapped, switching on the television set. 'The boys know where I am.'

'Fine.' John detected a slight sob in her tone before hearing the front door slamming shut. He closed his eyes at the sound, bringing his hand up to his face and rubbing his forehead.

Something had to give.

* * *

Although having intended to head into town, Anna could take it no longer. She remembered where Robert lived, having visited his home for a party a few years previously. She needed to know what was going on in John's head. She believed the only way she would manage that would be to have a better understanding of what had happened to John that day. John wouldn't open up to her, she had decided she would ask a man who was actually there. Ringing the doorbell, Anna placed a hand on her stomach as the baby moved. This should be the most happiest time of her life. Yet she was consumed with worry and it couldn't be healthy for the life growing inside her.

'Anna,' Robert said.

'Hello Major Crawley. I need to talk to you. Desperately.'

'Please, call me Robert and do come in.' Stepping aside, Anna walked in. 'Come through to the kitchen.'

Anna followed, a picture of Robert and John in their blues on the hallway wall catching her eye. She smiled, John looked so happy in the picture. She wanted that man back. The man she fell in love with.

'I think you might know why I'm here,' Anna remarked as they reached the kitchen.

'I have an idea.' Robert agreed. 'Please, take a seat.'

Sitting at the dining room table, Anna searched for the words to begin. Where did she even start? There were so many questions whirring through her mind.

'How is John?'

'Well, you tell me.' Anna replied. 'He won't talk to me. We haven't had a proper conversation since he arrived home. I thought moving would help, it only seems to have made things worse. He just shows no emotion, no enthusiasm for anything.'

Robert joined Anna at the table. 'He had an awful experience, Anna. Please try to see it from his point of view.'

'That's just it, Robert. How can I when I have no idea of what he experienced that day?'

'Would it help if I told you some of what happened, from my perception of events?' Robert asked. 'I don't know what John saw, but I can fill in a few of the blanks at least.'

'Please,' Anna nodded.

'Well, we were on a routine operation, myself, John, and a team of around twenty men. Before too long, we found ourselves coming under heavy fire that was rather unexpected. Myself, John and two others moved into a small, disused building for shelter. We were firing at the enemy through empty windows when one of them found a way into the building.' Robert paused for a moment as he saw the image of the enemy soldier in his mind, pointing his gun at Robert. 'He was aiming straight at me. I thought that was it, this was my time. Next thing, John was pushing me out of the way, shooting at the soldier, killing him instantly. But not before the soldier had fired as well. John was hit. I ran outside to try to get help, next thing all I could hear was this large explosion. Our comrades had taken out most of the remaining enemy, but some still stood strong. As I was firing, all I could hear was John's screams. He was in pain. I thought that was why he was screaming. It wasn't until afterwards when I had the chance to speak to John, his wound wasn't the reason he was screaming. William and Matthew had taken the full brunt of the blast. John couldn't move, rubble blocked him in. They were beside him. And John had no choice but to lie beside William and Matthew. Heaven knows how badly they must have been injured, how they must have looked.'

'Oh my God,' Anna breathed.

'I told him to see someone, a psychiatrist. Someone will be able to help him. But he's having none of it.'

'Has John spoken to you about all this?'

Robert sighed. 'I'm not going to lie to you, Anna. He has. He says he feels he doesn't deserve any happiness. He believes he could have done more to save William and Matthew. I tried to convince him there was no way he could have done.'

'I need to speak to him.' Anna announced, standing up. 'Thank you, Robert.'

'Please, there's no need to thank me. I just hope you can sort things out.'

* * *

Looking at the clock, John realised it had been a good couple of hours since Anna had left. He hadn't checked in on Dylan or Oscar once. Realising they had been a bit quiet, he carefully rose to his feet, grabbed his crutches and made his way through to the kitchen. He noticed some movement in the conservatory. Closer inspection caused him to notice paint all over the floor and the table his sons were painting at. Something inside John flipped as he moved through the kitchen towards the conservatory doors.

'Daddy,' Oscar said happily. 'Do you like my picture? It's you dressed like a soldier.'

'What the hell has been going on in here?' John shouted, taking in the sight of the paint dripping off the edge of the table onto the floor. 'Look at all the mess you've made.'

'Don't you like my picture, Daddy?' Oscar asked weakly, holding it up to show John.

John snatched the painting from his son and looked at it. He threw it down on the table beside him. 'What a couple of naughty boys you are. I'm not cleaning this mess up. You both are.'

'No they aren't.' John turned to see Anna standing in the kitchen, arms folded as her sons looked at their father with fear in their eyes. 'Boys, go up to the bathroom and start getting cleaned up. Mummy will be there to help in a minute.'

John looked to the heavens as Dylan and Oscar ran past him, both beginning to cry at their father's outburst. He turned his gaze to Anna, her own eyes glistening with the threat of spilling over into tears.

'How dare you talk to them like that.'

'Look at the mess.'

'John, it's easily cleaned up.' Anna argued, moving to shut the kitchen door so Dylan and Oscar couldn't hear. 'I've been to see Robert.'

'Have you now? Just couldn't leave it alone, could you?'

'No John, I couldn't. Not when it's affecting our day to day lives. You won't talk to me, you won't come near me. We haven't shared a bed since you've come home. I needed to find out, get some idea of what was going on inside your head.'

'You'll never understand,' John wailed, walking past Anna before she reached out and grabbed his hand.

'Talk to me. I'm your wife.'

'I can't.' John breathed. 'I just can't.'

'Look John, I know you're hurting but you can't take it out on others, especially the boys. It's not their fault.'

John stopped for a moment, before turning to face Anna, her hand still clasped around his.

'You're right.'

Anna allowed herself a small smile, thinking John had finally decided now was the time to invite Anna in, to reveal his emotions, how he was feeling.

She was wrong.

'Maybe I should move out for a while.'

'What?'

'I just think of those two young lads, the rest of their lives ahead. And I just feel guilty. Why should I be happy? I don't deserve to be happy.'

'You do,' Anna insisted, squeezing his hands tighter. 'Robert told me there was nothing more to be done.'

'I just can't bear to be around you and the boys at the moment. And I know that will break your heart, that I'm selfish but I'm sorry. It's how I feel.'

'John, we need you here. I need you here.'

Looking down at her tear stained faced, her eyes red from crying, the tone in her voice aching with desperation, John felt nothing.

'I'm sorry, I can't do it. I can't be who you want me to be.'

'Please John. There are people who can help..'

'I'll pack a few things and put up in a hotel for a few days whilst I try and get a few things straight in my mind.'

'Just talk to someone.'

John dismissed Anna's suggestion as he walked through the kitchen door and into the hallway. Anna followed, still holding his hand, grappling at it as if her life depended on it. Reaching the stairs, he wriggled his hand free. Anna was kneeling on the floor, sobbing as John slowly made his way up the stairs. She moved to the bottom stair, resting her head in her hands. There she remained until John returned a couple of minutes later with a rucksack.

'I'll text you later to let you know where I am.' John said, passing Anna as she sat on the bottom step.

'John, please don't do this.'

'I'm sorry Anna, I just can't do it anymore. Say sorry to the boys for me.'

'Stay. And tell them yourself.'

Staring at her for a moment, John thought about what he was leaving behind before he shook his head. 'Goodbye Anna.'


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N This is pretty heavy going but as I have warned, expect plenty of angst and heartbreak from this story. Thanks for your reviews, I really do treasure each one. **

**Disclaimer:** Same as chapters 1-3...

* * *

Peering out the curtains, watching intently as the rain drops raced to the bottom of the window pane, John let out a deep sigh. It was midday, and he had only just dared to remove himself from under the covers of his night time sanctuary. Sleeping was no longer a problem. One of the conditions of Robert allowing John to stay was that he saw a doctor. Three months had passed since John had walked out on Anna that day. Initially, he stayed in a local hotel, using money left over from his inheritance. Robert kept in daily contact, feeling it was his duty to help his friend and the man who had saved his life. After six weeks in the hotel, Robert convinced John he shouldn't just be throwing his money away. Insistent he couldn't go home, Robert agreed to allow John to stay with him, on the pretence he saw a doctor and got professional help. John had seen the psychiatrist on several occasions. Reliving his nightmare at every session wasn't John's idea of therapy but Robert continued to force John to attend each week.

Anna knew of her John's whereabouts, although she had only seen him briefly a couple of times as he arrived at the house to collect clothes and various other belongings. He wouldn't be swayed. Dylan and Oscar missed their Daddy. Anna missed her husband. But John brushed away her protests with a wave of his hand. It just didn't matter to him. Nothing mattered. He was just simply existing, a shell. In his own opinion, a man undeserving of happiness and sympathy. His physical scars were healing well, John was now able to walk without the support of both crutches and put weight on his injured leg. Robert had accompanied him on a trip to find a cane. However, his mental scars showed no signs of healing.

Being swallowed up in his own grief, John hadn't given the fact Anna was due to give birth a second thought. Robert had been their go between, meeting John's wife a couple of times a week. Anna was shattered, Robert's heart bled every time he saw her. To soften the blow, he would tell Anna John was coping now he was attending counselling. The truth would just damage her further. Robert would tell John about Anna's appearance, her state of mind. All he would receive from John in response was a shrug of the shoulders before he disappeared into his own thoughts once again.

John's life before his deployment was of little importance to him. Despite hating himself for admitting that to his psychiatrist, he couldn't help how he felt. Of course, he didn't wish them ill, much the opposite. John just felt like he couldn't function in that bubble anymore. Not only did the thought leave him feeling guilty because of William and Matthew and all the things they would never experience, it also left him feeling trapped. If he went back, Anna would fuss over him and the boys would want his undivided attention. John knew that was how families worked but he didn't want that. He didn't want to share his life anymore, he just wanted space. To be on his own.

'John!' Robert called up the stairs. 'I'm off out. Don't forget your appointment. Two o' clock.' John closed his eyes, clenching his jaw tightly. 'John!'

'Yes, Robert,' John shouted back, a harsh and impatient lilt to his tone. 'Two o' clock.'

In the next moment, John heard the door slam shut. He had half a mind to crawl back under the covers. However, he wasn't tired. He knew as soon as he closed his eyes his mind would be filled with the images of what happened. It was fine when he had swallowed a couple of sleeping tablets. It only took a few minutes then his hell ended for a few hours as he fell into a dark, dreamless sleep. If he took more tablets now, it wouldn't be good for him. For the briefest of seconds he wondered if that would actually be a bad thing. Shaking the thought from his mind, he turned his attentions to preparing to take a shower.

'One day at a time, Bates.' John whispered to himself as the advice he had received from his psychiatrist whirred around his head. 'One day at a time.'

* * *

With both her boys at school, Anna was at a loss as to how to spend her days. Heavily pregnant, due to give birth at any moment, her options were limited. She had to stop herself from marching around to Robert's house and dragging John home, whether he liked it or not. However, she always talked herself out of that notion. She was convinced he would come to his senses. It might take weeks. Or months. But he'd come back to her. Her John. John wasn't just her lover, her husband, he was also her best friend. Ever since the first time they met, they shared a special connection. He made her laugh like nobody else could. John was her rock, her strength. He held Anna and comforted her when she felt down. They were a team, bringing up their little boys. He had to come back. John never returning simply wasn't an option.

She needed to get out of the house, that much was for sure. Anna decided on heading to the coffee shop a few minutes walk away. She would take a book, wear down the hours until she went to get the boys from school. Since John wasn't around at the moment, Gwen and her mother had become her emergency contacts so to speak. With a quick text to inform them of her intentions, Anna picked up her handbag and left the house.

A few minutes walking, she spotted a familiar figure in the distance. Recognising the person as Robert, standing outside the post office, Anna approached him. He was chatting on his mobile phone. As she reached him, Robert acknowledged her presence with a wave of his hand.

'Alright, thank you Doctor Cartwright. Yes, I'll see to that. Goodbye.'

'Something wrong?' Anna asked, bringing her hand to her stomach as the baby moved within her.

Robert puffed out his cheeks as he put his mobile phone back in his pocket. 'It's John, he didn't turn up to his appointment this afternoon.'

'What?' Anna furrowed her brow in confusion. 'I thought his sessions were helping?'

Remaining silent, Robert looked beyond Anna in the direction of the coffee shop. 'Let me buy you a drink.'

Once seated, Robert decided to tell Anna the truth. John's condition hadn't improved much at all since he had arrived home. Dumbfounded, Anna sat and listened as Robert explained John hardly ate, slept most of the day and could barely hold a conversation for more than a few minutes. In that moment, Anna decided she had to see him. To convince him that he needed to come home. It was the only way John was going to get better. Although reluctant at first, Robert relented when he saw the desperation in Anna's face, and heard it in the way she spoke. No one knew John like Anna did, she was convinced she could persuade him to come home.

On arrival at Robert's house, he told Anna he would leave them alone whilst she and John talked. Anna appreciated his kindness and generosity, this was his home after all. Cora, in her work as a nurse, wouldn't be home until much later.

Opening the door, the kettle could be heard boiling. Allowing Anna to cross the threshold, they heard John's voice first.

'Before you get started...' Appearing in the hallway, he stopped talking as he took in the presence of his wife.

'Look, John. I am not going to have a go about you missing your appointment.' Robert began, walking towards his friend. 'I bumped into Anna as Doctor Cartwright had called me. I couldn't lie to her. She wants to talk to you.'

'I can't,' John turned to walk back into the kitchen before Robert grabbed hold of his arm.

'Well, you have to,' Robert argued, pulling him back so he was now face to face with his wife. 'I'm going to go out for half hour or so. At least do Anna the courtesy of talking to her.'

'Please John. I'm your wife. You owe me half an hour, at least.'

Not answering, John moved back into the kitchen. Robert turned to Anna, smiling sympathetically at her. 'I'll be back soon.'

Anna nodded, Robert placing a hand on her shoulder as he passed her. Composing herself, Anna followed John into the kitchen. He had his back to her and was busy making himself a cup of tea.

'If you're staying, would you like a drink?' John asked, his voice devoid of emotion.

'I'm good thanks.' Anna knew from Robert's observations that John was in a bad state, but she hadn't expected this. He looked gaunt, he hadn't shaved in days and his general demeanour was that of a broken man. 'Look, John...'

'How are you feeling? With the baby and all?'

She raised her eyebrows, surprised at John's question. Of all the things she had expected him to say, enquiring after her welfare hadn't been it.

'Good. You know I am due any day now.'

'Right,' John joined Anna at the table, clutching on to a mug of tea. His face remained emotionless. 'And the boys are alright?'

'Yes,' Anna nodded before adding. 'Well, they miss their Dad.'

John averted his gaze from Anna then, deciding to focus his attentions on the patterned tiles behind the sink.

'John, why don't you just come home?'

He responded with a cynical laugh before turning his attentions back to Anna. 'I'm not moving back in, Anna.'

And with those words, Anna's remaining resolve finally began to crumble. Her bottom lip began to tremble yet her actions had no affect on the man sitting opposite her. He sat immobile, staring at her as a solitary tear escaped her eye. It wasn't long until more began to follow. Nothing. The only sound was that of Anna's quiet sobbing.

Finally, she spoke. 'These past three months, being apart, have been nothing short of agony. Why are you doing this? Why are you punishing me?'

'I'm not...'

'John, you're killing me!' Anna exclaimed, the banging of her fist against the table causing John to jump. 'I know you're hurting, I can't even begin to understand how you must be feeling, after what you saw. I just don't understand why me and the boys have to suffer when we could be helping you.'

'You can't help me,' Shaking his head, John made sure his eyes met Anna's before continuing. 'Nothing or no one can help me.'

'Please, John, Don't say that.'

'In these three months, I have realised I can't be the man you want me to be anymore. The man I was before I left for Afghanistan is dead and gone. What happened...'

'You are the man...'

'What happened,' John reiterated, frustrated at being interrupted. 'It has changed me Anna. I am not the same man. I don't feel the same about life anymore. I don't feel the same about anything anymore.'

Tilting her head, trying to gauge his meaning, she wiped away a tear before asking John a question she never ever believed she would be asking this man. 'Are you saying you don't love me anymore?'

'I don't know,' John stood up suddenly, hands behind his head, his back to Anna as he moved to look out of the kitchen window. 'All I know is the thought of living the way we were before all this makes me feel suffocated. Trapped even. I just want to be on my own.'

As what he had said reverberated around the room, she broke down completely. John turned to look at Anna, moving slightly closer to her.

'I would be being unfair to you, Dylan and Oscar if I wasn't honest.'

'This is better, is it? You are telling me the way you have just made me feel is fair?'

'I'm sorry, Anna.' John backed away and leant against the kitchen counter. 'I'm so sorry. But I think we should separate.'

Almost wailing at his admission, confused and utterly shattered, Anna's thoughts turned to those of her sons. 'What about the boys? What have they done to deserve this?' She placed her hand on her stomach. 'What about the baby?'

'Anna, don't,' John moved his hands to rest on the back of his head once again, his voice beginning to break. 'Don't.'

'Don't what John? The truth hurts, does it? Three innocent people will suffer because you have just decided you can't be their father anymore.'

'I just can't...'

'You selfish bastard,' Anna howled, standing up and moving towards him. 'You complete and utter selfish bastard.'

Before she could stop herself, she was reigning her fists down on John's chest. It was if she wasn't in control of her own body as blow after blow landed upon him. He stood there and took the punches, now openly sobbing as Anna let her anger flow. Eventually, she stopped, resting her head against his shoulder as she cried uncontrollably. Standing with his hands by his sides, John looked to the ceiling, willing this moment to end and for Anna to leave.

Suddenly, his wish was fulfilled as Anna dragged herself away and made her way down the hall, her sobbing finally cut off by her slamming the front door shut as she left. Covering his face with his hands, John slid down the front of the counter until he reached the floor. Hugging his knees, he bowed his head and allowed his own tears to continue flowing.

At this very moment, he just couldn't see himself ever recovering. This was his life now. Hurting the people who loved him and not feeling a hint of remorse. Closing his eyes and seeing William and Matthew. A life of nothingness and darkness was all that lay ahead. And as far as he was concerned, it was all he deserved.

* * *

Gwen and Elizabeth made their way to Anna as soon as they heard the news, Gwen offering to collect the boys so Elizabeth could try and comfort her daughter before they arrived home. Anna tried her best to be strong for her sons, but even she couldn't hide the absolute despair she was feeling right now. As Dylan and Oscar arrived home, they ran into their mother's embrace. She held them tight to her, each of them clutching her, confused and upset. Gwen and Elizabeth gave the three of them some space as Anna explained to her son's that Daddy wouldn't be coming home.

'Why?' Dylan asked, his bottom lip wobbling much in the same vein as his mothers had a little while before.

'Daddy is poorly, he needs some time to feel better.' Anna explained. 'But he won't be living with us anymore.'

'But I want him to,' Oscar exclaimed, burying his head underneath Anna's chin. 'I want my Daddy.'

'I know you do sweetheart,' Anna kissed Oscar's forehead before Dylan ran upstairs. 'Dylan...'

Suddenly, Anna felt a twinge in her stomach that completely took her breath away. Closing her eyes as the pain overtook her, Oscar leant up to look into her face.

'Are you alright, Mummy?'

Anna looked down to see the sofa was damp beneath where she was sitting. Her waters had broken.

'Oscar, go and get Nanny from the kitchen. I think the baby is coming.'

* * *

'Yes Elizabeth, I am trying to get hold of John. Not that he will be any use. His mobile is switched off and I can't find that Robert's number.' Gwen rushed around the kitchen, mobile phone resting between her shoulder and her cheek as she searched for Anna's organiser. 'Isn't his number on her mobile?'

'Yes, but her phone is dead. She says Robert's number is in her organiser. It's usually in the kitchen.'

'Right, I'm admitting defeat, I can't find it.' Gwen announced, completely frustrated. 'But the baby is alright? And Anna?'

'Both mother and baby are fine under the circumstances. Anna is desperate that John know he has a daughter. And can you let the boys know they have a sister?'

'They're asleep,' Gwen replied, walking into the living room and laying down on the sofa. 'I'll tell them in the morning. I've called in sick for tomorrow, I'll keep the boys with me.'

'You will do nothing of the sort,' Elizabeth argued, Gwen rolling her eyes at her response. 'The boys need some sort of normality with the bombshell my darling son in law dropped this afternoon.'

'Come on, Liz. One day off school won't hurt them. I had a day off when my younger sister was born and it did me no harm.'

'Hmmm.'

'Ask Anna, see what she thinks. She might like me to bring the boys to the hospital.'

'Maybe. I best be getting back to her and the baby. Thanks Gwen.'

'It's no bother, I'm happy to help.'

With those words from Gwen, Elizabeth hung up before making her way back to Anna's room. Standing outside, looking through the pane of glass in the door, it warmed heart to see Anna holding her daughter, looking into her face with a beautiful, albeit tired smile etched across her features. She had been by Anna's side throughout the labour. She had done brilliantly, Elizabeth had never been prouder. Her granddaughter had been born within a couple of hours of Anna arriving at the hospital. It was all routine, all ran like clockwork. It broke her heart to hear Anna calling for John, exclaiming that she needed him.

Elizabeth had never been sure of John, the age gap of ten years bothered her at first. He always seemed cocky to her too, like the cat got the cream as he paraded around town with a beautiful young lady on his arm. His profession and the reputation that followed some soldiers didn't exactly endear John to her either. But as time went by, Elizabeth couldn't deny John's love for Anna. He treated her well, and Anna was truly happy. That was all that Elizabeth could ask for. That her daughter was happy.

However, after hearing the news of John's confession that afternoon, all these old feelings came bubbling back to the surface. Who did the man think he was? She accepted he had been through a terrible ordeal, but turning your back on your family was unforgivable, no matter what the circumstances. And to suggest he didn't love Anna anymore after all she had sacrificed. A soldiers wife. It just wasn't good enough and as far as Elizabeth was concerned, Anna was well rid of him.

Entering the room, Anna looked up, managing to raise a smile for her mother as Elizabeth closed the door.

'You did so well, my darling.'

'Thanks Mum.' Anna replied before looking back at the baby in her arms. 'I've finally got my little girl.'

'Yes,' Elizabeth breathed, sitting beside Anna and resting her hand on her daughters wrist. 'I'm so proud of you sweetheart.'

'Did you get hold of John?'

'Don't be thinking about him.' Elizabeth whispered, taking her index finger and gently stroking it across the fine hair on her granddaughters head. 'You just concentrate on yourself and this little one.'

'Mum, does John know?'

Elizabeth sighed. 'His mobile is switched off and we can find your organiser.'

'It's on the coffee table in the living room.'

'Oh blast,' Elizabeth scolded herself. 'I told Gwen it would be in the kitchen.'

'Well, you have to call her back. John needs to know, He might come over here.'

'Sweetheart...'

'What mum?' Anna argued before softening her tone as her baby wriggled in her arms. 'I am refusing to believe this is the end. I can't believe it. John just needs more time.'

'From what you said, he seemed pretty hell bent this was the end. Just try not to get your hopes up.'

Silence fell then as Anna stared intently at her daughter, trying to store every inch of her to memory, thinking to herself if she looked more like her or John.

'Have you thought of any names?' Elizabeth asked. 'At the moment she is just known as Baby Bates.'

'Summer,' Anna announced, smiling as she played the moment John suggested it over in her mind. 'Summer Louise Bates.'

* * *

Midweek television was boring. That was the realisation Gwen had reached as she searched through the higher numbered satellite channels. Switching the TV onto standby, Gwen leant forward and decided to see what Anna's magazines had to offer. Going to bed was an option, but she wasn't feeling tired. The thought of lying in an empty, unfamiliar bed not able to sleep wasn't appealing. Looking through the magazines on top of the coffee table, Gwen was startled as something heavy fell off the table and landed on the floor with a loud thump. It was Anna's organiser.

'In the kitchen, my eye,' she said to herself as she opened it. She flicked through until she found Robert's number. Picking up her mobile from the arm of the chair, she dialled. After a couple of rings, Robert picked up.

'Robert Crawley.'

'Oh, hello. You don't know me. My name is Gwen. I am Anna's best friend.'

'Oh right,' Robert replied, shifting uncomfortably as he looked to John pacing the decking in front of him as they sat outside together. 'Hello Gwen. Is everything alright?'

'It's fine, is John there?'

Robert looked up to see John trying to indicate to him he didn't want to speak. Glaring at his friend, anger in his eyes, Robert shook his head before answering Gwen.

'No, he's not. Can I take a message?'

'Yeah, can you tell him his wife gave birth to their daughter tonight.' Gwen's tone was hostile. 'If he cares, mother and baby are doing fine. If he can find it within him to get in contact, please can he do so. Anna was asking for him throughout the labour.'

'I will. Thank you for the call. I'll make sure he calls back. Goodbye Gwen.'

As he hung up the phone, John moved to sit beside his friend. 'What did she want?'

'Congratulations. You're a Dad again.'

'Oh.' John responded to the news by rubbing the soles of his feet against the grass beneath his feet.

'Oh?' Robert looked at John in disbelief. 'Your wife has just given birth to your daughter and all you can say is oh?'

'I'm sorry.' John sighed. 'I just feel completely detached...'

'Oh for God's sake,' Robert snapped and stood up, folding his arms. 'I am fed up of hearing how you feel. Your wife needed you today.'

John looked up at Robert, his eyes were vacant, his body language telling Robert that he didn't care at all. 'She's got her Mother. And Gwen.'

'I still can't believe you told her you wanted a separation.'

'I didn't want to lie to her,' John explained. 'I'm not the man she married anymore. I don't know who I am.'

'That's why you are seeing Doctor Cartwright.' Robert argued. 'He will help you get your head straight.'

John rubbed a weary hand over his face. 'Talking about what happened isn't helping me. '

'Look mate, you know I'll always be grateful for what you did. I am going to support you all the times you need me to. But you can't carry on like this. You've decided your future doesn't lie with your wife and kids so you need to determine a way forward. Your life is never going to get back on track living in my box room.'

'What are you saying? You want me to leave?'

'You can stay until you have found something else.' Robert sat back down next to John, resting his hand on his shoulder. 'But if you won't accept the help that's offered, I don't see any other way than starting all over again. You have the money to buy a small flat. It's time to work out what you are going to do with the rest of your life.'

'How can I do that? How can I figure out what to do with the rest of my life when I am struggling to figure out how to get through each day?'

'It's time to start trying,' Robert shrugged. 'Nearly two months you've been here. It's no way to live. And even if you won't be a proper father to them, you are required by law to provide for Dylan, Oscar and the little one. Whether you like it or not. You're going to have to find a job sooner rather than later.'

Robert looked at John as he stared into the middle distance, nodding his head slightly. 'You're right. I've outstayed my welcome.'

'No, it's not that at all,' Robert insisted. 'Tough love, is that what they call it? I'm trying to do what's best for you. You need to get some semblance of a life back.'

'I don't deserve any semblance of a life...'

'For Christ sake, John. It's sad what happened to those young men,' Robert thumped his fist on the edge of the bench they were sitting on as he spoke, John was reminded of Anna's actions earlier in the afternoon. 'But you have to stop blaming yourself. If you live you're life punishing yourself it won't be any kind of life at all. You've told your wife you aren't going home so it's time to figure out where home is for you. Now I'm going to bed.'

Leaving John alone with his thoughts, Robert went inside and up to his bedroom. Robert's outburst had brought John to his senses a little at least. He knew his friend was right. It was time to stand on his own two feet and stop relying on Robert's charity. Something had to change. John was already determined things couldn't go back to how they were before he went to Afghanistan. The only way forward, was to take Robert's advice and start again.

On his own.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N 1- Sorry. **

**Disclaimer**: The same as all the previous chapters.

* * *

After Robert's harsh but much needed words, John decided it was time to try and start living his life again, rather than just existing. He managed to muster the enthusiasm from somewhere within him to look for a new place. Robert assisted, all the time assuring John he would be there for him. Although John had decided the only way forward was to start again on his own, he was glad of the support from Robert.

However, in the hours they spent house hunting Robert tried to remind John that he had a perfectly nice four bedroom home waiting for him with Anna. John was adamant he couldn't go back. He needed space, time to evaluate his life and start afresh. He was a changed man with a different outlook on life. Being in a marriage, sharing his life with someone else just didn't appeal to him anymore.

Despite feeling like his marriage was over, John had admitted to himself that he was beginning to miss Dylan and Oscar. They were his blood, his pride and joy. Although the pangs of guilt were still there, he couldn't undo the feelings of unconditional love he felt for his sons. In the depths of despair, his love for his sons had always been there, John had just chosen to ignore it. Yet, there was still a part of him that found the idea of being a father overwhelming. He wasn't sure he could be the same Dad that he was before.

A week or so passed before John had a viewing of a small two bedroom flat. For the price it was going for, it was an absolute steal. Already furnished and in a prime location, he couldn't really turn it down. John put in an offer the same day and because he had the funds already, within a fortnight the keys were placed in his hands.

'It's a great place,' Robert remarked as they stood in the living room.

'Yeah,' John shrugged, moving to look out of the window. 'It's alright.'

'Does Anna know you've bought your own place?' Robert asked, wiping some dust from the mantelpiece above the fireplace. 'She deserves to know.'

'I can't face it.' John continued to start out of the window. 'Not yet, anyway.'

'Are you kidding me?' Robert's voice took on a disbelieving tone. 'You really are the limit.'

'What?' Turning to look at his friend, John leant on his cane and walked towards Robert. 'She knows we're over...'

'When are you going to realise the world doesn't revolve around John Bates? You have said you can't be in a relationship with Anna, and that's your choice. You can undo your marriage, if it's what you really want. But Anna needs to know. It isn't fair to drag everything out. You need to tell her what you have just told me.'

'I can't...'

'Will you stop saying that!' John stepped away, a little startled as Robert snapped at him. 'Anna aside for a moment, when is going to sink in that although you feel you don't deserve them, your kids need you in their lives? They are innocent in all of this, Anna is innocent in all of this...'

'I am a changed man, Robert.' John interrupted, turning back to stare out of the window once more. It seemed to Robert all John did nowadays was drift into his own thoughts, staring into space. 'And because I am a changed man, I can't possibly be the same father.'

'Well, it's too late. They are here. Three lives you played a part in making. You must still feel something for them, surely?'

'Of course I do.' John exhaled deeply, thinking of his sons. 'I do think about the boys sometimes. For the briefest of moments they enter my mind, then my demons overtake my thoughts of them and the guilt slowly creeps back in.'

'And what about Summer?' John shifted uncomfortably on his feet as a realisation dawned on Robert. 'You haven't even met her yet, have you?'

John shook his head before whispering. 'No.'

'You need to think about how you are going to support them,' Robert pointed out, reaching inside his jacket pocket and pulling out a newspaper. 'You used to drive the HGV's in the army in your early days. Do you still hold your licence?'

'Yeah.'

'Long distance lorry driver,' Robert said, holding the paper out in John's direction. 'Perfect for the life of solitude you wish to embark on.'

'Don't mock me, Robert.'

'Well I'm sorry,' Robert began as he zipped up his coat. 'I will be forever grateful to you for what you did for me. But that doesn't mean I don't think you are an idiot for turning your back on your family. You've made you decision, and as your best friend I accept that. Now it's time to be a man and tell Anna. And to meet your daughter.'

'Anna knows...'

'All Anna knows is that you wanted to separate. She is probably still hopeful something can be rectified. What you have told me, in no uncertain terms is that you no longer wish to be married to her.' Robert walked to the living room door. 'Is that what you want? A divorce?'

Running a hand through his hair, John contemplated Robert's notion. 'Maybe. I think so.'

'Then there is only one thing to do.' Robert replied, 'But don't give up on the boys. And Summer. Deep down, I think you miss them and know you need them as much as they need you. By the way, that job. I've you an interview for tomorrow, ten o clock at the industrial estate. Don't be late.'

'Right,' John smiled slightly. 'Thank you. I'll pop over later to collect my things.'

With a nod of the head, Robert left. Even though he had told Anna he wanted a separation, divorce had never really entered his mind until Robert had mentioned it just then. John didn't know why, divorce was the obvious next step. He didn't want Anna to believe there was hope of a reconciliation. There wasn't. He couldn't be the husband she wanted him to be anymore. Divorce was the only option.

* * *

Sitting on the sofa, Anna looked on happily as Dylan and Oscar sat at the coffee table partaking in their favourite pastime- drawing. Holding her daughter in her arms, now two weeks old and growing all the time, she found herself thinking about John. How he should be here. Sharing in these precious moments with her and their children. She still believed in her heart that he would come home, he just needed time.

Elizabeth had moved in with the family, to be the support for Anna that John would have provided if he had been there. Dylan and Oscar loved having their Nanny living with them. Despite being a little old fashioned, she spoilt her grandsons. Ever since her husband, Anna's father, had passed away, Elizabeth had made it her mission to ensure she spent as much time with her family that remained. Her husband passing in his late fifties brought it home to her how short life is and never to take anything for granted.

Summer was a vibrant little thing, just the tonic Anna and the boys needed in the absence of John. Dylan and Oscar absolutely doted on her, taking their roles as older brothers very seriously. Both wanted to be as helpful as they could, fetching wipes and nappies, helping Elizabeth clean the bottles and just simply play with their sister. Anna's heart had melted as she overheard a conversation between the two of them as she stood outside Dylan's room, having just put Summer down for a sleep.

'We have to help Mummy,' Dylan had explained to his younger brother. 'Daddy isn't here so we have to be really good. And not talk about Daddy because it makes Mummy cry.'

'I don't want Mummy to cry,' Oscar had replied.

She really was the luckiest mother in the world to have such wonderful and thoughtful sons. It hurt her to know it was John who instilled the generous nature in the two of them. Often she would hear him telling her sons how lucky they all were to have Anna. What she would give to hear John saying those things right now.

Summer began to stir in Anna's arms, Dylan and Oscar immediately turning around to make sure everything was alright.

'Is she hungry, Mummy?' Oscar asked, leaning up on his haunches and looking into Summer's face.

'I do believe that she is, darling,' Anna replied with a smile. 'Because Nanny is out, I will have to get her bottle ready. If I put her in the bouncy chair, would you mind singing to her whilst I do that?'

'Nope,' Oscar said, reaching across for the bouncy chair that was sitting a few feet away from him.

Placing Summer in the chair, Dylan and Oscar were immediately by their sisters side. Anna walked to the door before looking back, smiling contentedly as a chorus of 'The Wheels On The Bus,' began to fill the air. Once in the kitchen, Anna set about preparing a bottle for Summer. It was almost as if she were on autopilot, the amount of bottles she had made over the past few weeks meaning this procedure was almost like second nature to her now.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang. Creasing her brow, wondering who could be calling around when she wasn't expecting anyone, Anna made her way to the front door. She smiled as she passed the living room door, Oscar and Dylan having now moved onto 'Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.' Noticing the tall figure behind the frosty window pane, Anna recognised who it was before she had even opened the door. She would know that stance from anywhere. As she opened the door, even though she expected to see him standing there, she was still slack jawed as John came into view.

'Hello Anna.'

'Hi.'

'Can I come in?'

Nodding, Anna stepped aside allowing John room to enter the house. Shutting the door behind him, Anna turned her attentions to his cane. John needing an aid to help him walk would take some getting used to, especially with how fit and strong he had been before his injury. Turning to face her, John stood awkwardly, Anna realising she would have to make the next move.

'How are you?'

'Coping,' John replied, rather bluntly.

'Oh. Good.'

'Look, Anna...'

Standing at the entrance to the living room, John stopped talking as he turned to his left. What he saw nearly took his breath away. He certainly hadn't anticipated on the way to the house today that the sight before him would leave him feeling like this. There they were. His sons. And his daughter. Dylan was holding her left hand, Oscar her right, both their faces beaming as they sang to their sister. In that moment, John realised he had never seen anything so perfect.

'You can go in and say hello if you want,' Anna suggested, her voice soft and encouraging. 'I know they are desperate to see you. All three of them.'

John looked down at Anna. In that moment, nothing else mattered apart from his children. It felt liberating to feel something other than despair and guilt for the first time in what seemed like an eternity.

'Go in, I'll make us a cup of tea and finish Summer's bottle.'

Turning and walking in the direction of the kitchen, Anna left John alone to reacquaint himself with his sons, and to become acquainted with his daughter. Slowly treading the carpet, it shocked John to realise he was smiling. His heart was beating so fast he felt like it would beat right out of his chest. Dylan noticed him first. John was nervous as to his reaction. He knew his eldest son was clever and knew he would understand that Daddy had left in bad circumstances. His reaction was more than John could have hoped.

'Daddy,' Dylan squealed, jumping up and running over to his father, closing the distance between them.

John knelt down, ignoring the pain in his knee as he swept Dylan up in his arms. Closing his eyes, holding his boy close to him, it wasn't long until Oscar had joined them as well. John was crying, what a fool he had been. How could he have even considered turning his back on his sons, his two shining lights? It was true, what he had experienced had changed him, he wasn't the same person but nothing could change the love he felt for the two perfect beings he was currently holding in his arms. He still felt like he didn't deserve them, but he sure as hell needed them.

'I've missed you both so much.' John whispered, squeezing them both tightly. 'So so much.'

A slight whimpering coming from the bouncy chair interrupted the reunion between a father and his sons. John released the boys from his embrace and watched as they both returned to Summer's side. Oscar looked up expectantly at his father. John smiled in response. At the moment, all he could see were soft black curls covering the baby girl's head. Moving closer, he slowly manoeuvred himself down beside Dylan.

His attentions immediately turned to the little bundle wriggling in the bouncy chair. She was beautiful, John felt himself falling in love with her almost instantly. Holding his index finger near her hand, he gasped as she clasped her tiny hand around it. Suddenly, John understood why he had been spared. Why he had survived his ordeal. This was the reason. To be the father the three people beside him so desperately needed him to be. He might not be able to be the husband Anna wanted anymore, but he had to try and be the father that Dylan, Oscar and Summer deserved.

'So, who do we have here then?' John asked, Summer still grasping onto his finger.

'Daddy, don't be silly.' Oscar laughed. 'It's Summer of course.'

'Oh yes,' John chuckled slightly, winking at Oscar. 'How silly of me.'

Anna walked into the room then, the backs of her eyes stinging with tears as she drank in the image of the four of them on the floor together. This was exactly what she wanted. The five of them. She announced her arrival by placing the two mugs on the coffee table with a loud thump. Bottle expertly balanced under her arm, she met John's gaze.

'Do you mind if I feed her?'

'Of course I don't,' John replied, removing his finger from Summer's grasp. Dylan and Oscar returned to their drawings as Anna sat on the sofa.

'Would you mind passing her to me?'

'Me,' John asked, pointing his thumb at himself. Anna nodded. 'Alright then.'

Slowly undoing the fastening on her bouncy chair, John placed his hands under Summer's arms and gently lifted her from the chair. It wasn't lost on John this was the first time he had held his daughter. His large hands completely covered her body, her pink baby-gro almost disappearing underneath his grasp. She yawned as he looked into her face, causing him to laugh. Pulling her closer to him to rest against his chest, he stood and moved towards Anna. Passing her down to her mother, John's eyes were fixed on Summer as Anna positioned her so she was ready to take on her feed.

'So, what do you think?' Anna asked as Summer immediately took the bottle into her mouth.

'She's perfect,' John breathed. 'So perfect.'

* * *

Although seeing the boys and meeting Summer had left John feeling invigorated, it didn't change the way he felt about Anna and their marriage. Being a father to his children was his duty, he simply had to do it. Being a husband left John feeling suffocated. It wouldn't be fair to himself and it certainly wouldn't be fair to Anna to continue in a relationship that would make him feel that way. He couldn't bear the idea of Anna fussing over him, making sure he was alright all the time. Leaving that afternoon, John had decided he couldn't tell Anna how he felt in front of Dylan and Oscar, especially after the wonderful afternoon they had shared. He had asked Anna out for dinner the next evening, where he would reveal his true feelings and discuss with her a way forward.

Initially, John had felt as if he had just stopped loving Anna, but after spending time with them he realised that wasn't the case. He loved Anna because she was the mother of his children, and he would always love her because of that fact. However, what he had experienced had damaged him and for the first time since he had met Anna she wasn't the person who could heal him. He needed a clean break.

They had arranged to meet at the restaurant. John was nervous. Anna would be upset, he knew she would be. Part of him wondered if talking this through in such a public place was such a good idea. Looking across the street as he waited for Anna, he noticed a small park, totally deserted. Perhaps it would be a better idea to break the news to Anna there. He didn't have much time to contemplate his suggestion as Anna appeared next to him.

'Hello.'

'Hello Anna.'

'We haven't been to this restaurant in years,' She remarked, looking inside through the windows. 'Did you book a table?'

'Do you mind if we go over there for moment.' John pointed in the direction of the park. 'I have something I need to say and I'd rather do it in more secluded surroundings.'

'Alright,' Anna's face was the picture of confusion as she followed John across the road.

Passing countless displays of flowers, they reached a bench in a dimly lit corner of the park. John gestured for Anna to sit before he did the same. Resting his cane against the bench, John leant forward to rest his elbows on his knees, then clasped his hands together.

'The boys loved seeing you yesterday.'

'As did I love seeing them.' John replied, turning his head to look back at Anna. 'After yesterday, seeing Dylan and Oscar and meeting Summer, I can finally see a way forward.'

'I'm glad.' Anna moved her hand to rest on John's back. 'We've all missed you.'

'I've bought my own place, Anna.'

She was dumbstruck. 'What?'

'I got the keys a couple of days ago. A two bed flat near the train station.'

'But why?'

John sighed, closing his eyes as he prepared himself for what he was about to do. 'Even though I still feel like I don't deserve them, I've realised I have to be a father to Dylan, Oscar and Summer. I want to be. I thought I couldn't do it but I have realised my love for them is unconditional. Nothing can shake it.'

'And what about your love for me?' Anna's voice was shaky, John inhaled deeply.

'I've changed, Anna. I am not the same man anymore. I can't be the husband you want me to be.' John leant back on the bench, staring at the heavens. 'I got offered a job as a lorry driver today. I fully intend to be there for the kids and now I will have the means to provide for them. I want to be as involved in their lives as I can. As much as you allow me to be. But the fact is to get my life back on track, I need to start afresh. And that means, being on my own.'

'No John, you don't mean that. You can't mean that. I need you.'

'You need the man I used to be, Anna. In the long run you'll see that this is what's best for us.'

'But I have done nothing wrong. Just let me help...'

'Anna, for the first time since I have known you, it is not your help that I need.' Anna was openly sobbing now, John had expected this. His words were frank, but he needed to be truthful. 'I can't dedicate myself to you anymore. I think we should start divorce proceedings.'

She almost squealed at his last remark, sound causing a ripple to pass down John's spine. Anna's head was spinning. Had he really just asked her for a divorce? This couldn't be happening.

'But I love you, John. Does that mean nothing to you anymore?'

'I am not deserving of your love, Anna.'

'You are being ridiculous.' Anna grabbed John by the lapels on his jacket, pulling him closer to her, almost trying to shake some sense into him. 'You do deserve my love. You don't want a divorce. Think of everything we have been through. Think of the times when we first met. Our wedding day. When Dylan and Oscar were born. Are you really telling me you feel nothing anymore?'

'You are the mother of my children Anna. For that reason alone I will always love you. But a far as I am concerned. anything else between us is over.' John stood up then, Anna reluctantly letting him go. Straightening his jacket, he looked down at her. 'I'll give you a few days to let it all sink in.'

'That's very noble of you,' Anna replied resentfully.

'I'm sorry Anna. Really, I am.' Taking his cane in his hand, John began to walk away.

* * *

** A/N 2-** Angst is a bitch, isn't it?


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N- Thanks for the reviews. I'd just like to point out that I had planned this story in it's entirety before I started writing. So, some of you are great mind readers. **

**Disclaimer**- I own nothing, Downton belongs to Julian Fellowes and ITV/Carnival.

* * *

As John pulled himself up into his cab, a positive discussion with his manager about his first six months in his new job behind him, he allowed himself time to contemplate how much his life had changed in the past six months. Having not believed it in the beginning, John now accepted that time was a great healer. At the depths of his despair, he couldn't have even contemplated ever feeling anything but guilt and hopelessness. Now, having been back from Afghanistan for nine months, he was at a point where he could function from day to day without his experience being the only thing he thought about.

A number of things contributed to his new positive state of mind. John was settled into his job as a long distance lorry driver. Working four days a week, John would be required to deliver car parts up and down the country. It felt good to be useful and to have a job that meant John was pretty much his own boss. Although unsociable and the time alone meant his mind often wandered, the pay was good and having three days to himself meant he could spend a substantial amount of time with his children.

His leg now almost completely healed, John no longer relying on the use of a cane. Without this daily reminder now out of his life, it helped his mental scars to heal as well. Robert had convinced John to keep seeing Doctor Cartwright, especially now he was having to stand on his own two feet. John agreeing, he had to admit it was the best thing he had ever done. The psychiatrist had taught John different methods to deal with his anguish, and helped to make him understand he needn't punish himself.

However, the main reason why he was feeling much more like his old self was because of his children. Dylan and Oscar stayed with their Dad on a Friday night and then Summer would join them to stay over on the Saturday. After many discussions with Anna, they had both agreed it was for the best that John only have Summer for one night, as opposed to two like her brothers. He was still recovering, and the boys were not as demanding as the needs of their six month old sister. John had decorated the spare room in his flat to the specifications of his sons, racing cars on the walls and bunk beds. In his own room, he had set aside a small corner for his daughter when she stayed. A small cot sat there, along with a small set of wicker drawers where her belongings could be kept. He wanted the flat to feel as homely for his children as it possibly could be.

One thing that hadn't changed were John's feelings about Anna. Their split had been amicable, on Anna's part for the good of the children. Realising nothing was going to change John's mind, she agreed to the divorce. Although he was beginning to feel some remorse for how upset he had left Anna feeling, John still wholeheartedly believed the divorce was the right thing to do. He could never have been the husband he had been before. His mindset, although improving, meant he couldn't dedicate himself fully to Anna. John simply didn't want to be tied to someone else.

They had been divorced for a little over three months.

John couldn't be Anna's husband anymore, but he couldn't just disregard their ten years of history. Despite it all, John still viewed Anna as a friend. Their whole marriage was based on the strong friendship that they had shared. A connection that existed from the moment they set eyes on each other. His counselling sessions had helped him realise this. Anna was honest with John from the moment she had come to accept the divorce. She would only remain on friendly terms with her ex husband for the sake of her children. John understood completely, admitting to Anna he hoped she could find it within herself to see him as a friend in the future, rather than just the father of her children. A harsh conversation with Robert about the situation soon made John realise how selfish he was being asking such a thing of his ex wife. He had made his decision, now he had to face the consequences. Anna was civil, that was all that John could ask.

Looking at the clock on his dash, he realised he had better get moving if he was to reach Coventry by the evening. This was his last job of the week, then he would be free to start his weekend and see Dylan, Oscar and Summer. Smiling as the image of his three beautiful children came into his mind, he began to leave the depot.

* * *

Anna let out a sigh of relief as she closed her bedroom door behind her. Dylan and Oscar fast asleep, Summer now sleeping as well, she made her way downstairs to join her friend Gwen in the kitchen.

She had been back at work for two weeks, as a secretary at a law firm in Leeds. Her mother, now fully retired, took on the role of babysitter as Anna worked her three and half day week. As John had the children on Saturday, Anna would work, finding the empty house too much of a strain, a reminder of what she had lost. Sunday, Monday and Tuesday were the days she would spend with her three children, ensuring they all knew that they were the centre of her universe, her reason for living. Gwen would keep Anna company on the occasions John had the kids. Anna wasn't sure how she would have coped without Gwen or her mother.

Her heart was completely shattered by John and his feelings towards her since he had arrived back from his deployment. She still loved him, Anna would be lying to herself if she didn't admit that. Yet, he wouldn't be swayed and Anna had no choice but to agree to the divorce. John had asked that they still be friends but Anna couldn't promise him they could be. She would be polite for the sake of their children, anything else would be too difficult for her. At this stage, anyway.

Reaching the kitchen, she smiled as Gwen thrust a wine glass in her direction.

'So? Are you going to say yes?'

'What?' Anna grimaced, taking the glass from Gwen and having a rather large swig. 'Oh, Richard.'

Richard McIntyre was a senior partner at the law firm for which Anna worked, McIntyre and Curtis. Ever since she had started, a few months before she had married John, Richard had always had a friendly word for Anna. He had even asked her out before Anna revealed she was engaged. To a soldier. This was enough for Richard to back off, but they had formed a solid working relationship and got on very well together. He had been supportive of Anna and her situation since returning to her post, and had asked Anna to go out with him this Saturday night, purely so she wouldn't be alone.

'He's a dreamboat,' Gwen cooed, following Anna through to the living room, clutching a glass in one hand and the wine bottle in another. She watched as Anna set up the baby monitor before sinking into the armchair.

'A dreamboat?' Anna was laughing as her friend sat on the sofa. 'What are you? A hundred?'

'Shut up,' Gwen replied, throwing a pillow in her friends direction. 'He is rather gorgeous though, isn't he?'

Tilting her head slightly, Anna allowed her minds eye to picture Richard. He was tall, slightly taller than John. He wasn't as stocky as he ex husband, leaner but still full enough to not be deemed skinny. His features were light, blonde hair and blue eyes as opposed to John's dark hair and green eyes. Sighing, she leant forward.

Anna couldn't help associating him with John.

'He is good looking, you'd be a fool not to see that.' Anna blurted out loud. 'But...'

'But you are still in love with John.'

'I am,' Anna nodded. 'And I'd just spend the whole evening comparing the two of them.'

'Well, here's one difference,' Gwen began, leaning forward herself. 'John's an idiot, Richard is not.'

'You haven't even met him,' Anna laughed before taking another swig of her wine.

'No, but from what you say he sounds like a nice bloke. A good listener.'

'He is.' Anna agreed. 'I'm just not sure I'm ready to date.'

'Rubbish,' Gwen dismissed her friends remark. 'And who says it's a date? You said yourself he asked you out so you wouldn't be lonely this Saturday night.'

'Yeah, I hope you feel guilty you're leaving me alone this weekend to go on a jolly whilst John has the kids.'

'Family function. Anna. ' Gwen said impatiently. 'You've met my mother, you try getting out of it.'

'Fair point.' Anna shrugged.

'So are you going to say yes?'

'Oh I don't know.'

'If John is the reason you are hesitating then you are a fool, Anna.' Gwen sank back into the sofa, resting her feet on the coffee table. 'He's made his decision, Anna. You have to move on. And I can't think of a better way than going out with Mr Dreamboat this Saturday night.'

Suddenly, a whimper was heard through the baby monitor. Anna immediately rose to her feet before Gwen pushed her back down onto her seat. Looking to the table by the living room door, Gwen picked up Anna's mobile before holding it out towards her.

'I'll see to Summer, you call Richard and tell him you'd love to go out on Saturday night,'

'But..'

'Um..' Gwen interrupted, placing a finger over Anna's lips. 'Call him.'

'Alright,' Anna sighed. 'Alright.'

* * *

Anna stood quietly as the lift rose her and Summer upwards towards the fourth floor where John's flat was situated. She hated this part. Having to say goodbye. She had dropped Dylan and Oscar the day before, they loved their sleepovers with their Dad. Now Saturday afternoon had arrived and after finishing work, Anna would drive to her Mother's to collect Summer then bring her over to join John and the boys. It was a complicated arrangement but one which had been perfected over the past six months. Elizabeth could easily take Summer to John's, but Anna insisted she did. For the brief moment she handed Summer over to John, everyone who meant everything to her were in the same room. Her family. Then John would announce he was fine with everything and Anna would have to leave. Even now, it broke her heart. Every time she made this journey, she prayed today would be the day John would realise the mistake he had made. The terrible thing for Anna was that it was never that day.

Pushing Summer out of the lift, Anna walked to John's front door. Reaching out for the doorbell, she reluctantly pressed it. She smiled as she heard Dylan and Oscar, excited to see their sister again. In the next moment, John appeared, an eye patch over one eye and a paper hat placed on top of his head.

'You look like you're having fun,' Anna raised an eyebrow before continuing with Summer into the flat. 'How are you?'

'Good thank you,' John answered, closing the door and following Anna through to the living room.

'Hello Mummy,' Dylan ran to his mother, arms outstretched as Oscar remained inside a large cardboard box they had turned into a pirate ship. John had obviously treated them, both of his sons wearing Pirate costumes.

'We're Pirates,' Oscar added, quite unnecessarily as he raised a telescope to his eye.

'I can see that,' Anna laughed, watching John, now sans eye patch, kneeling beside the buggy, greeting his daughter. She felt a twinge in her chest as John lifted Summer into his embrace and kissed her softly on the forehead.

'Hello my angel,' he whispered gently. Anna had to look away, seeing John with Summer was too much to handle. 'Is she alright?'

'Sorry,' Anna turned to look at John who was now bouncing Summer in her arms, a broad smile on his face. 'Oh, right. Yes, she's fine. She's due her next bottle in a couple of hours, Mum said she slept for a couple of hours this morning, she had a bad night last night. I think she knew Dylan and Oscar weren't home.'

'Really? She could tell they weren't there?' John asked, sitting down on the sofa to relieve Summer of her coat.

'I think so,' Anna nodded as Oscar now joined his brother in a cuddle from her. 'They do dote on her at home.'

'Daddy, can we dress Summer up as a pirate as well?' Oscar asked, reaching for the face paints that were laid out on the table.

'She's a little too young for face painting, mate,' John replied. 'Why doesn't she be the damsel in distress the pirates are going to save?'

'Silly Daddy,' Dylan laughed. 'Pirates don't save damsels in distress. They find treasure.'

'Well imagine my embarrassment,' John rolled his eyes good naturedly in Anna's direction before looking for Summer's bouncy chair. 'Why don't we sit Summer down whilst Daddy says goodbye to Mummy. Perhaps you could sing her one of the wonderful songs you know?'

Placing Summer in her bouncy chair, Dylan and Oscar were immediately by her side, holding her hands and trying to make her laugh. Summer was squealing excitedly, obviously very happy to be reunited with her big brothers.

'Bye then, boys,' Anna said. They waved in her direction before turning their attentions back to Summer. Kneeling down, she gave Summer a kiss on the head before John gestured for her to lead the way to the front door. 'Just give me a call if you have any problems.'

'Will do.' John stopped by the door as Anna turned to face him. 'So, a night to yourself. Do you have any plans?'

'Erm...' Anna wondered whether to tell John what she was actually doing or to just remain nonchalant. 'Just dinner with someone from work.'

'Oh right,' John placed his hand on the door handle. 'Well, I hope you have a nice evening.'

'Thank you.' The door opened and Anna stepped out into the hallway. 'I am on my mobile. I'll be around about ten in the morning to collect them.'

'Alright, no rush,' John replied, placing a hand in his pocket as he leant on the door.

An awkward silence fell as they both stared at each other. Anna thought about her dinner companion, and whether she should tell John. She didn't have to, John didn't really have any right to know. It was just dinner, as friends. Nothing serious. But if it did turn into something more, John had made his feelings perfectly clear.

'I best get going,' Anna smiled. 'Have fun.'

'We always do. Enjoy your evening, Anna.'

* * *

Bedtime was always a challenge when John lived at home, and now was no different. All of the children were bathed, John and his sons having a great time bathing Summer together before the boys jumped in afterwards. Although Dylan and Oscar wanted to continue being pirates once in their pyjamas, John had to be stern and insist they each choose a story then it would be bedtime. Now, in the boys bedroom, Summer was sitting on John's lap as they all sat on Oscar's bottom bunk, the boys cuddling up to their father on either side of him. His rather entertaining Gruffalo was followed by The Very Hungry Caterpillar.

These were the moments John lived for. His children brought him joy he had never experienced from anything else in his life. Dylan and Oscar were doing very well at school, Dylan excelling in English and Maths, Oscar much more into playing football and doing physical education. Chalk and cheese but both brought as much pride to John as the other. As for Summer, John had always dreamed of a daughter. His little girl. And now she was here the reality far exceeded his dreams. Summer was such a happy little thing, content to sit on her father's knee as Dylan and Oscar had continued their Pirate game in the afternoon.

John looked down to see Oscar fast asleep, leaning on his arm. Experience had taught him that it was best to not disturb Oscar too much when he had fallen asleep. If he woke up, chances were he wouldn't fall asleep again for a few hours. Finishing the last story, John placed a gurgling Summer at the top of Oscar's bed so she was supported by her brother's pillow before turning to Dylan.

'Get into bed, Dyl,' John whispered, Dylan doing as he was told. John manoeuvred himself away from the bed, his hand holding Oscar in position as he steadied his feet on the ground. He gently moved Oscar so he was now laying flat. Looking around, he reached for Oscar's dressing gown and lay this over the top of him. John turned to reach out for Summer who smiled the instance he met her father's gaze. Now standing upright, Summer in his arms, John looked at his eldest son who was getting settled into a comfortable position.

'Are you alright, son?' John asked, using his free hand to tuck Dylan in. 'You know what your brother's like for falling asleep in awkward positions.'

'Yeah,' Dylan rolled his eyes, causing John to chuckle. He leant Summer towards Dylan. 'Give your sister a good night kiss.'

Kissing her head, Dylan gently stroked Summer's arm before John pulled her away.

'Good night, Dyl.' John breathed, gently stroking his son's cheek. ' Shall I leave the door open a little bit?'

'Just until I'm asleep,' Dylan replied.

'Of course,' John smiled. 'Sweet dreams.'

With those words, John moved out of the room and into his own room. Summer still in one arm, John pulled back her covers in the cot before moving to sit at the top of his bed. Summer would only drift off if she was rocked in somebody's arms, a trait she had gained from her father. Often, John's mother would regale him with tales of his childhood, particularly how much of a nuisance he could be at bed time.

Sitting with his back against the head board, John began to gently sway Summer in his arms, patting her back softly as he did so. Looking at her face, Summer looking back at him John smiled warmly. He had never believed it until he became a father, but now he understood why people had said you don't just love your children, you fall in love with them. You experienced the same rush as that when you fall in love with someone. John couldn't remember what it had felt like, but he was sure it was something close to how he felt when he looked into his daughters adoring gaze.

Anna had advised John in a text message after she had left that she had found it hard to settle Summer of a bedtime recently. As the little girl began to whimper a little in his arms, fighting the obvious need to sleep, John remembered Anna's advice that she liked to be sung to.

'God, what songs do I know that are suitable?' John muttered to himself, looking towards the ceiling.

Singing was by no means John's forte, as he searched the inner recesses of his brain for a song to sing his daughter to sleep. He couldn't remember the last time he had listened to music, let alone sing. Since his deployment he hadn't found much joy in anything, let alone music, yet his children were helping him to remember how beautiful life could be.

'I wonder what Mummy sings to you. She could have told me.' John continued to think before, just like that, the perfect song came into his mind. Clearing his throat as quietly as he could, John closed his eyes and thought of the opening lyric.

'I've got sunshine on a cloudy day...'

* * *

'I'm sorry for yammering your ear off all night,' Anna said, looking up at Richard as they walked away from the restaurant. 'I talk too much.'

'Not at all,' Richard replied with a smile. ''It's lucky for you I enjoy listening to you.'

Anna had to admit it to herself, she had had a very enjoyable evening indeed. Richard had been the perfect gentleman, holding doors open and paying for dinner. Never pushing Anna, just simply listening to her as she let off steam. In this whole new situation for the both of them, meeting outside of work, nothing was forced. It all seemed so natural and Anna felt like she could tell him anything. She hadn't felt that way about a man since she had first met John.

There was something about seeing Richard away from the office that Anna couldn't put her finger on. He was so much more relaxed, and dressed more casually in a waistcoat, shirt and jeans, a lot less stuffy. Richard was good looking, she couldn't deny it and Anna was attracted to him. She had found herself getting lost in his understanding gaze as she talked about her children and the past few months.

'But I monopolised the conversation,' Anna laughed awkwardly. 'I'm sure you have some very interesting things to say, as well.'

Richard reciprocated her laughing, his blue eyes dancing before running a hand through his blonde locks. 'There are many who would disagree with that.'

They continued walking in silence, a comfortable silence until they reached the taxi rank.

'We might as well share.' Anna suggested, joining the queue. 'You only live a couple of streets from me.'

'Fair enough,' Richard shrugged. 'But I insist I pay the fare.'

'But you paid for dinner,' Anna argued.

'Yes, but a beautiful young lady like you deserves to be treated.'

Anna met his gaze, his smile was sincere. A lock of blonde hair had fallen above his right eye, he moved a hand to sweep it back into place. She felt herself becoming warmer as he kept his eyes focussed on her. His jaw line clenched. Only John had ever looked at her like this before.

John.

She closed her eyes and looked away from him, desperately willing the thoughts of her ex husband resounding around her head to leave. Before she knew where she was, Richard was opening the door to a taxi for her and Anna was climbing inside, followed by her companion.

Reaching Anna's house, Richard asked the driver to wait as he insisted on walking Anna to her front door.

'Thanks for a lovely evening, Anna.'

'And you,' Anna said warmly as they reached her front door. 'I really had a great time.'

'I hope it was slightly preferable to an evening alone.' Richard added, Anna putting her key in the lock and opening the front door. She turned to face him again.

'It was. Thank you for listening to my problems. You'd make a great agony Uncle.'

'Well it was my fallback career if the lawyer thing didn't work out.' She laughed heartily at his comment, Richard joining in himself. As their laughter died down, Richard shuffled his feet, rubbing the back of his neck with a shaky hand before looking Anna in the eye. 'Is there a chance, we could do this again? You said yourself you were sure I had many interesting things to say, would you like to listen to them, over dinner again sometime?'

Exhaling deeply, Anna pondered Richard's suggestion. She was so out of practice when it came to this sort of thing she felt a little uneasy about how to respond. They had a wonderful evening, something Anna would like to experience again. She felt like she wanted to get to know Richard better. However, John was playing on her mind. Deep down, she still harboured hopes of a reconciliation. Going out with another man wouldn't aid the situation. Then she thought of Gwen's advice. Anna had to move on and start living her life again. John had made his decision, they were divorced. As far as he was concerned, it was over. Six months had passed since he had suggested the divorce. Anna had made up her mind.

'I'd love that.'

'Great.' Richard's face brightened at Anna's response, his whole demeanour lifting slightly. Anna felt herself shiver a little, she was beginning to realise Richard did have the most beautiful smile. 'I know it won't be until next weekend, so maybe we can talk about it at work?'

Anna nodded. 'Yes, that would be nice. So I'll see you on Monday.'

'Monday.' He moved to kiss Anna on the cheek, his warm breath caressing Anna's ear as he placed his lips to her skin. She closed her eyes at the contact, he was so warm. So tender. As he moved away, Anna sought out his gaze. 'Goodnight Anna.'

'Goodnight Richard.'

* * *

Delighting in being in her children's company again, Anna smiled as John got Summer ready to leave. Dylan and Oscar chatted excitedly about their adventures as pirates, both still dressed in their new costumes. Stealing glances at John, Anna was surprised she didn't feel a pang of guilt as she thought about the night before and of Richard. Maybe she really was ready to move on.

'All ready to go,' John announced, standing up and placing Summer in her pushchair. 'Now you three, I want to hear you've been good for mummy when I see you next.'

'Yes Dad,' Dylan replied, holding up a hand to his father. 'High five.'

John obliged before Oscar did the same. 'High Five, Daddy.'

'Bye my little shipmates,' John smiled. He looked down at Summer, stroking her cheek with his index finger. 'Goodbye my angel.'

Dylan and Oscar preceded to push Summer towards the door, John and Anna following behind.

'Did you have a good night?' John asked.

'It was lovely,' Anna let out a sigh as she thought of Richard. 'Really lovely.' Stopping at the front door, Anna opened it and Dylan and Oscar continued on out with their sister. 'Boys, wait out there for Mummy.'

'Okay,' Oscar called back. The next thing they heard was the opening line of Row, Row, Row your boat. Anna and John shared a laugh.

'Who did you go out with? John asked, leaning against the doorframe.

Shifting uncomfortably, Anna decided there was no point in hiding who she was with last night, as far as she knew John wouldn't care anyway.

'Richard.' Anna began. 'Richard McIntyre.'

'Oh,' John said weakly, remembering exactly who the man was from when he had asked Anna out on a date all those years ago.

'Yeah, he's been a good friend the past few weeks.'

'A friend.'

'Yes. We are going out again next week.'

'Great.' John's smile was none too convincing before he changed the subject. 'So, I'll call sometime in the week to check on those three.'

'Okay,' Anna furrowed her brow a little. John's response hadn't been what she was expecting. 'Are you alright, John?'

'Fine,' John nodded. 'Absolutely fine. Take care.'

With one final glance over her shoulder in John's direction, Anna left and lead Dylan and Oscar to the lift. Once the door was closed, John leant back against it and sighed deeply. When he had decided he needed to break free of her, it had never occurred to John that Anna would see other men. Besides, it shouldn't matter to him that Anna had dinner with another man, he had no rights over her whatsoever. Yet, the thought of Anna sharing dinner with Richard left a sour taste in his mouth.

Why had her revelation left him feeling like this?


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N- John's beginning to realise what he's lost... the fool **

**Disclaimer-** Same as chapters 1-6

* * *

'Alright, see if you'll take your milk for Daddy.' Anna passed Summer over to John, completely frustrated at her daughters lack of co-operation.

She blamed the unfamiliar surroundings, too much was going on around Summer to worry about drinking her milk. It was Dylan's birthday party, the newly seven year old choosing a Go Karting party with four friends. John was on hand to offer his assistance, as were Gwen and Elizabeth. The atmosphere between John and his ex wife's mother and best friend was frosty to say the least but John was politeness personified. He kept his head down, keeping Oscar and Summer occupied whilst Anna and the others ran around after Dylan and his friends. However. Anna had taken a break from proceedings to feed her daughter, which was proving more of a challenge than looking after Dylan and his mates. Joining John in the amusements arcade, Oscar spending a fortune on all the machines, Anna passed her daughter to John to try his luck.

'Now then little one, why don't you want to drink your milk?' John cooed, taking Summer into his arms before reaching for the bottle Anna was handing to him.

'Mummy, can I have some more money?' Oscar called over from the toy crane machine he was trying, and hopelessly failing, to win a Buzz Lightyear from.

'Ossy, I've already given you a fiver,' Anna replied as John chuckled beside her. 'Why don't you join in with the boys in their Go Karts?

'I want a Buzz.'

'There's a tenner in my wallet you can change for him if you want.' John offered as Summer began to drink her milk. 'There we go, it was obviously too busy for her down there.'

'Or she knew her Daddy was here and wanted to play her Mum up.' Anna replied.

'Where is your wallet?'

'Ahh, my back pocket.' John leant awkwardly, Anna looking down uncomfortably to see the top of his wallet revealed to her. 'Come on, Anna. It isn't exactly new territory for you, is it?'

Rolling her eyes, she reached down and removed his wallet, holding it out for him to take before realising he wasn't really in a position to. Reluctantly opening his wallet, she pulled out a ten pound note.

'I will pay you back, it's just I have no cash on me now and...'

'It's alright, Anna. I am sure I can spare a tenner for my son.'

'Okay,' she smiled at him, locking her gaze on his. 'I'll go and change it for him. Knowing Oscar he'll put it in the wrong machine and we'll have ten pounds worth of two pence pieces.'

Laughing at her remark, John watched as Anna lead Oscar to the change booth in the middle of the arcade. A few weeks had passed since Anna had revealed she was seeing Richard. They had been out regularly since. Although taking things slowly, Anna admitted to herself that she was enjoying Richard's company. He was the perfect gentleman, wooing her properly and treating her as if she were the only woman in the world. He also appreciated the relationship she had just come out of, and Anna's wish for them not to rush. A few kisses had been shared, but nothing beyond that.

John wasn't sure how he felt about the whole situation, choosing to brush it under the mat when Robert asked him. The truth was, he and Anna had been getting on really well since she had started dating Richard. Anna was happy and this was impacting positively on her relationship with her ex husband. That could only be good for Dylan, Oscar and Summer. Besides, what right did John have to have an opinion on their relationship anyway? He had made his decision and deep down, it still felt right. However, he would be lying if he said it didn't feel odd to know Anna was seeing another man. Another man knowing her in a way only John had for the past decade.

'Right Oscar, you can have two more pounds, then it's time to call it quits.' Anna handed Oscar two shiny gold coins before rejoining John and Summer. 'Is she taking it?'

'Over half so far,' John replied as Anna sat beside him. 'He's a determined little sod, isn't he?

'Yeah.' Anna agreed before looking up at John. 'Wonder where he gets it from?'

Their eyes met again, John smirking slightly at Anna's hidden meaning. As silence fell, John suddenly found himself thinking about Anna's new friend. Checking to make sure Oscar was out of ear shot, he decided he would ask about him.

'Richard not available to come this afternoon?'

Anna cleared her throat a little, keeping her eyes firmly on Oscar. 'No. He had to work. Plus I thought it would be a little uncomfortable if he joined us. He hasn't met the kids yet.'

'Hasn't he?' John raised his eyebrows in surprise.

'We've only been dating for a few weeks,' Anna explained, tucking a stray strand of blonde hair behind her ear. 'I don't think we are ready for that.'

'So things are going well?'

'They are,' Anna nodded, John looking at her expression to see her face beaming. She turned her head to see him staring at her, her smile instantly disappearing in response to his blank, almost solemn expression. 'What is it, John?'

'Here they are,' Elizabeth sighed, completely exasperated as she and Gwen walked towards where Anna and John were sitting. Followed by Dylan and four of his friends, they both looked thoroughly worn out. John and Anna looked in their direction, Anna a little frustrated they had been interrupted.

'I won, Dad,' Dylan said excitedly, running to his father with a shiny trophy in his hand. He gave Summer a kiss as she lay in John's arms, drinking her milk.

'Well done, mate.' John replied, keeping his eye on Anna as she approached her mother and Gwen, along with Dylan's friends.

'Right, burger time, then.' Anna announced, clasping her hands together as five very excited boys shouted their appreciation. 'Are you coming along, John?'

John looked between Gwen and Elizabeth's icy glares and though it possibly might be wise for him to make his excuses. 'I've got an overnight job to Glasgow unfortunately, best get home for a couple of hours kip.'

'That's a shame, John,' Elizabeth said unenthusiastically.

'Please Daddy.' John looked to see Dylan's disappointed expression.

'Sorry mate. But you're staying over at Daddy's tomorrow night, we'll do something then. Alright?'

'Okay,' Dylan sighed before following his friends and Gwen to the exit. Elizabeth continued on after them, Anna saying she would meet them by the car in a minute.

'Mummy, look.' Oscar appeared, clutching a Buzz Lightyear in his grasp.

'Wow, well done Ossy.' Anna smiled as she took Summer from John and placed her in the buggy.

She turned to see Oscar in John's arms, John pretending to make the stuff toy fly as Oscar struggled to reclaim his prize. John's reaction to her speaking of Richard had intrigued her. She knew John. She'd wager better than anyone else. And the look he gave her was one of a man who wasn't comfortable with what he had just been told. Was it possible John might have been jealous? So what if he was? He had made this happen, after all.

'So I'll be over with the boys about five tomorrow?' Anna said as John put Oscar down on the floor.

'Perfect.'

* * *

Walking the short route home from the Go Karting arena, John allowed himself some time to reflect on Anna's relationship with Richard. Anna was dating again and the man she was dating made her feel happy. For some reason, that wasn't sitting well with John. When he arrived home from Afghanistan, he was so self absorbed. John just couldn't see himself sharing his life anymore. Being a husband to Anna was the last thing he wanted and he couldn't see those feelings fading away. Now, nine months on and he had what he had wished for. All those long, despairing nights when flashbacks and night sweats were crippling him, the only thing he wanted was to be alone.

And now, Anna was seeing someone else.

The thought of Anna with another man left John with a knot in his stomach, a horrible feeling deep inside. How naive had he been to never even consider she would find someone new? Consoling himself, John realised these feelings hadn't surfaced until Anna had told him about Richard. Was it simply a case of feeling uncomfortable because someone else had her now? Deciding to put it down to that, for fear of driving himself insane, John was brought out of his thoughts by an unfamiliar voice calling his name. Turning, he saw a middle aged woman, short blonde hair, exiting the Post Office he has just walked past.

'Excuse me,' the lady said again, this time approaching John. 'Forgive me for interrupting, especially if I'm wrong. But are you Captain John Bates, from The Yorkshire Regiment?'

John narrowed his gaze on the lady, wondering how she would possibly know that. 'I am.'

The woman remained silent, biting on her bottom lip as if she was stifling a cry. 'Right. My name is Joanna Mason.'

Mason. John recognised that name. Suddenly, it dawned on him. One of his comrades. Private Mason. She was William's mother.

'I'm sorry, I don't usually approach strangers on the street. But I feel like you aren't a stranger to me at all. You knew my William.'

John smiled weakly before bowing his head slightly. 'I am very sorry for your loss.'

'Would you mind, if we shared a coffee?' Joanna continued, placing a hand on John's wrist. 'I have so much to ask you. If you don't mind indulging me...'

'I'm really not...'

'Well, just share a coffee with me anyway.' She insisted, squeezing John's wrist gently. 'You were there when William died. I'd like to get to know you a little better.'

Exhaling deeply, John looked at the woman standing in front of him. Obviously grieving, simply wanting to know what had happened to her son. Who was he to deny her that?

'Alright,' he agreed. He looked over the road to see a small cafe. 'Shall we?'

Once in the cafe, John bought Joanna a drink, and they sat together by the window, the early evening sun illuminating their table. An awkward silence ensued, Joanna searching for the right words to begin the conversation, John reluctant to tap into his memories again. Eventually, Joanna found something to say.

'I tried to find you. Once you came home.' Joanna began, rubbing her finger along the rim of her coffee cup. 'I've met Major Crawley.'

'Robert.'

'Yes,' Joanna looked up to see John's gaze upon her. 'He was very kind, made sure I was aware of who you were as well.'

'Right,' John sat forward, joining his hands together on the table in front of him. 'I'm sorry about not meeting you. When I came home, my head was all over the place.'

Nodding in acknowledgment, understanding of John's admission, Joanna took a sip of her coffee before continuing. 'Robert told me. You were there. When my William passed away.'

Taking in a deep breath, John sat back on his chair. 'Yes.'

'Well, what.. when did...'

'I can't tell you what I saw,' John interrupted. 'For my own sanity as well as yours.'

'Please. Just let me know a little. He was my son, my only child.'

Closing his eyes, John tried to remember the moments before the grenade hit. The panic all around him. Noise. Fear. Pain. He couldn't tell Joanna everything. What happened after the weapon landed. She would be horrified, it would open wounds John had worked so hard to heal.

'We were on patrol, got ambushed so we took refuge in an abandoned building. Myself, Robert, Private Crawley and your son. One thing lead to another, the enemy got into the building, we saw them off before a grenade was thrown in the direction of where your son and Private Crawley were situated.'

'Alright,' Joanna whimpered, holding her hand up indicating for John to stop.

'You're son was a courageous young man, Mrs Mason. I spent six months with him. He was very proud of who he was and where he came from. You were in his thoughts. Always.'

'Thank you,' Joanna gratefully accepted the napkin John had offered her, pressing it to her cheeks. 'And thank you. For being there for William. In his hour of need.'

'I just wish I could have done more.'

'Please know that he adored you. In his letters home he would mention Captain Bates. And Major Crawley. Told me if he could be half the soldier you are then he'd be extremely proud.'

'That's nice to know.'

'And he told me your wife was pregnant as well.' Joanna said with a smile. 'I take it she's had the baby now? Was it a boy or a girl?'

'It was a girl.'

'Are you a hands on Dad, John?' Joanna asked before taking another sip of her coffee.

'Not exactly.' John shifted uncomfortably in his chair. 'We're divorced.'

'Oh.'

'Yeah. I wasn't the same man I after my deployment.'

'Did what happened to my son alter you?' Joanna asked before the change in John's demeanour caused her to instantly regret her question. 'I'm sorry, it's none of my business.'

'No, it's fine.' John insisted. 'If I'm honest, it did. Yes.'

'Well, it's not my place to say but I'm sure William wouldn't have wanted what's happened. And neither would I. I know there is nothing you could have done to save my son.'

'What's done is done.' John simply shrugged before taking a swig of his drink. 'We've all moved on.'

'As I say, it's none of my business. I'm just sorry things have turned out this way.' Joanna finished her coffee before reaching for her handbag from the floor. 'Take care of yourself, John.'

'And you,' John smiled, looking up at Joanna as she did up the buttons on her coat. With a nod of the head, she turned on her heal and left the cafe.

Watching as she left, John felt like some of the weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Although his psychiatrist had helped him to come to terms with his guilt, he still thought about Matthew and William's families, and how they were coping. Now he had seen first hand. Still obviously grieving, Joanna seemed to have come to terms with the loss of her son and felt no anger towards John. She was coping. Walking outside, John looked to the sky, the sun shining beautifully as it began to set. He allowed himself a small smile. His life wasn't perfect but he had managed to get to point in his life where his demons no longer haunted him. John was coping aswell.

* * *

A desperate call from Anna woke John from his sleep after his overnight delivery. Anna's car had broken down, and she had no way of collecting the boys from school, Elizabeth away with her friends on a Spa day. Half an hour later, and John was treading the path to Anna's front door with Dylan and Oscar in tow. It still felt odd, after all these months, to be pressing the doorbell. Almost instantly, Anna had flung the door open before walking back down the hallway, her mobile phone glued to her ear.

'So you can't watch Summer?' Anna said impatiently as John stepped inside and closed the door. 'No, it's alright. It's fine, Gwen. Honestly. Take care.'

'Go and watch some TV boys,' John told his sons, pointing towards the living room. 'I'm just going to see what's wrong with Mummy.'

'Why does Mum never answer her bloody phone?' Anna ran a hand through her hair.

'Everything alright?' John asked, following Anna into the kitchen.

'No,' Anna huffed, throwing her phone on the table. 'Richard's just had a job come up meaning he'll be away for the weekend. He wants to see me tonight instead but I've got no one to watch Summer. This on top of the flaming car as well.'

Richard. John felt his heart sink as Anna mentioned his name again. She must really be keen on him if not being able to see him had got her this flustered. Suddenly, John realised it was the least he could do to step in and help.

'I'll have Summer.'

'What?'

'I'll look after Summer.' John reiterated. 'You obviously want to see Richard before you go away.'

'Really?' Anna smiled. 'But I haven't sorted milk for her or anything. Richard wants to meet at six, it's four now and...'

'Easy,' John replied. 'I'll go home, grab myself a few things and stay here tonight. Then I'll take all three of them with me tomorrow.'

'Only if you're sure.'

'Yes. I won't be ten minutes.'

'Alright then. I best go and check on her. She was shattered so she is asleep upstairs. Still not sleeping very well.' Anna walked towards John before placing a hand on his upper arm. 'Thank you.'

John's eyes followed her hand, his heart quickening in pace as he felt her touch upon him. What was happening?

'I best go and check on her.' Anna said softly, John agreeing with a weak nod as she relinquished her touch on him. He instantly felt colder. 'See you in a minute.'

* * *

'Daddy, you are forgetting your crown,' Dylan pointed out, placing the gold cardboard on top of his head. 'You are the king, me and Ossy are Princes and Summer is the Princess.'

'Of course,' John smiled, looking to his daughter sitting beside them, deciding to chew on her crown rather than wear it.

Suddenly the doorbell rang, and John, resplendent in crown and a towel acting as his robe, took Summer in his arms and went to answer it. Reaching the door, he pulled it open to reveal a tall man, dressed smartly in a suit jacket and jeans, his blonde hair blowing in the breeze. Richard.

'Oh. Hi.' The man said. 'You must be John.'

'I am,' John replied, taking his crown off his head with one hand as he supported Summer against his body with the other. 'Richard, I take it?'

'The very same,' Richard smiled before turning his attentions to the little girl in John's arms, stroking her hand with his index finger. 'This must be little Summer.'

'It is,' John replied, moving himself so Richard could no longer reach Summer. 'You better come in.'

Stepping aside to allow Richard to walk past, John shut the door. Richard turned into the living room as John followed him, Dylan and Oscar immediately looking to question the stranger.

'Who are you?' Oscar asked as Richard stood uncomfortably by the door.

'Erm...'

'This is Richard,' John informed his sons, squeezing past him with Summer in his arms. 'Mummy's friend.'

'Hi boys.' Richard held up a hand to greet them, each of them staring back blankly in response. Richard hands found his pockets before he looked at John. 'Where is Anna?'

'Getting ready. She won't be a minute.'

'Hello Richard.'

They all turned to see Anna standing in the doorway. John couldn't believe his eyes, she looked breathtaking. Anna was wearing a knee length white floral dress, her hair cascading down her shoulders, a pink cardigan draped over her arms. John suddenly thought how she used to dress up when they went out, when all the effort was made for him. Now she was dressed up so beautifully for a date with another man. And John found himself hating it.

'You look stunning,' Richard breathed, stepping forward and taking Anna's hands in his. 'Truly stunning.'

'Thank you,' Anna replied shyly as John looked on, watching the scene playing out in front of him in anguish. Seeking out his gaze, Anna began to speak to John. 'Are you all set, John? If we leave now?'

'Erm, yes. We're fine.' John nodded. 'Go. Have a nice evening. We've got everything under control here.'

'Great,' Anna smiled. She walked forward and gave each of her sons a kiss before gripping her daughters hand. 'I'll see you all later.'

'Bye Mummy,' Dylan said as he and Oscar went back to their game.

'Nice to meet you, John.' Richard said as walked out with Anna to the hallway.

'Yes, and you.' John lied. 'Enjoy your evening.'

* * *

All three children fast asleep, John helped himself to a glass of milk and a couple of Anna's brownies that she had been storing in the fridge. Making his way to the living room, he placed his milk on the coffee table before walking to the glass cabinet. Anna had arranged many photo's inside the cupboard doors. Dylan and Oscar as babies, Summer as well. One picture caught his eye though. The people in the photograph, both their faces were beaming, both looked so happy. It was John and Anna, on their wedding day. Opening the door, John reached inside and clasped his fingers around the picture frame. Removing it, he took a few steps back to sit in the armchair. Studying the photograph, John found his gaze narrowing on Anna's perfect features. She really did look stunning that day. Like every day of their married life. John was beginning to realise how badly he had treated Anna on his return from Afghanistan. All she wanted to do was support him. All John did was think of himself. Was it a pang of regret that he was starting to feel?

He had a beautiful woman in his arms but now she was in the arms of someone else. Placing the photo against his chest, John closed his eyes and allowed memories of his life with Anna to flood his mind. The way she would leave little notes for him around the house. How they could share a look across a crowded room and instantly each would know what the other was thinking. Waking up each morning and seeing Anna by his side. He didn't realise how much he was missing the little things. Until now. Arrogance had meant John never recognised Anna could find someone else. Maybe unconsciously, he believed as long as they both remained single Anna was territory he could retread. John winced as he thought about Anna in such plain terms, but that was how he felt. He had taken her for granted. And now she was out of his grasp.

* * *

Quietly shutting the door behind her, Anna sighed before leaning back against it. He really was a dream. Richard. So kind, so tender, a kiss that made her knees weaken. She was going to miss him whilst he was away. Anna couldn't deny it. After John, she had never thought anyone could come close to John in her affections. Until she met Richard. Now she couldn't wait to see how events turned out. Anna felt excited, for the first time in months.

Walking into the living room, she saw John asleep in the armchair. Frowning, she noticed the photo frame on his chest. Removing it, she gasped as their wedding photo came into view. Why on earth did he have it? Anna shaking him from his slumber, John opened his eyes slowly, adjusting to his surroundings before remembering where he was.

'Anna,' he said groggily. 'Good night?'

'Lovely thank you,' Anna replied, smiling slightly before holding up the photograph to show John. 'Why do you have this?'

John's face turned pale as he sat up, remembering events of earlier in the evening. 'Erm, just. Err. Looking I suppose.'

'Oh right,' Anna placed the picture back in the cabinet. 'You know, John...'

'I best be getting to bed,' John interrupted, walking out into the hallway and picking up his bag.

'John, we should talk about this.'

Mounting the first stair, John turned to see Anna standing in the doorway of the living room, hands on her hips. 'There's nothing to talk about. Good night, Anna.'


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N- For those who have asked- sorry for the wait of an update. My mum took a turn for the worse. She still isn't out of the woods but is improving so I have been more in the mood for writing over the past couple of days. **

**In my eyes, the story had to take this turn. I don't want to make John suffer but feel he deserves it. **

**Disclaimer- All things Downton belong to Lord Fellowes and Carnival/ITV. **

* * *

'I'm just going to take a shower,' Richard stood behind Anna, wrapping one arm around her waist before softly kissing her cheek. 'I won't be long.'

'You better not be,' Anna replied, leaning into his touch.

As he left, Anna turned her attentions back to the lake that the balcony to their room overlooked. Everything was so still, so silent. Peaceful. Having left her children behind with their Dad, Anna was revelling in this private time with her new partner safe in the knowledge Dylan, Oscar and Summer were safe. Tightening the cord on her robe, Anna sighed as the events of the afternoon passed through her mind. She and Richard had taken things further in their relationship for the first time. It hadn't been at all like she had imagined it would be, and in her opinion that wasn't a bad thing. Events had been slow, gentle and felt entirely natural. Like it was meant to be.

After coming home that evening, Anna didn't press John about the wedding photo. He had always been sensitive in this regard, and if he said he didn't want to talk about something, then it was highly likely he wasn't going to reveal what was in his heart. The image of John clutching on to their wedding photo softened Anna's attitude towards him a little. It made her realise their divorce had had an effect on John as well. That maybe, his heart wasn't made of stone as his actions had lead Anna to believe.

She still believed that John was happier on his own, which made it easier to pursue her relationship with Richard. He was charming yet a complete contrast from John. Although her ex husband had made Anna very happy, he was always very guarded with his thoughts. Richard was much more open and Anna appreciated that. She could feel herself falling for her colleague the more time they spent together. Richard was so gentle, so complimentary and such a good listener.

Having been dating for a little under a month, they had been reaching the point in their relationship where they were to decide whether to move things along to the next level. Anna would be lying if she said she wasn't physically attracted to Richard, yet their interactions had never moved beyond a kiss or a heated embrace on the sofa. The timing had never seemed right, no matter how much Anna wanted things to progress.

It was on a dinner date to celebrate their month anniversary that Richard announced he had booked the following weekend away at a country house in the Lake District. Anna was overjoyed that she and Richard would finally be able to have some quality time alone together, John was having the children as he normally did over the weekend whilst Anna went away. He had also agreed to take the boys to school on the Monday. Anna didn't need to rush back.

And now here they were, arriving mid afternoon Richard and Anna took a short walk around the grounds before returning to their room. It was a beautiful afternoon, and Anna was relieved what happened, did. It was as if a barrier had been pulled down. For Anna, it made things seem more real between them. Richard was officially the new man in her life, and Anna hadn't felt this happy in a long time.

* * *

Joining Cora back at the patio table, she bouncing Summer on her knee, John smiled as he watched his son's on the Crawley's front lawn kicking a ball to each other. They got on so well, it was times like these that John was sorry he never had siblings of his own. After he and Anna welcomed Dylan into their lives, he knew from his own experiences that he wanted him to have a little brother or sister. John had never had that, and although he had a happy childhood at times he could feel lonely. He didn't want that for his children.

'So where has Richard taken Anna?' Cora asked, settling Summer down against her as she reached for her drink. Robert was at the barbecue a few feet away, becoming increasingly frustrated with the sausages he was trying to cook.

'The Lake District,' John kept his gaze focussed solely on his sons as he answered. 'Near Lake Windermere I believe.'

'Lovely, I love that part of the world.' Cora replied before looking over at Robert as he took another swig of his beer before relighting the barbecue for what seemed like the hundredth time. 'Are you coping, dear?'

'Very well, Cora,' Robert said impatiently, waving away his wife's concerns. John and Cora shared a small laugh as a burst of smoke caused Robert to back away from the barbecue rather quickly. 'Bloody hell. I'm beginning to think a takeaway might be our best option.'

'We'll do that, then.' Cora said, stroking Summer's cheek with her index finger as she cooed softly. Robert admitted defeat before moving towards the table, pulling his mobile out of his pocket. 'Pizza? Indian?'

'The boys won't eat Indian, is Pizza okay?'

'Fine, I'll go and order them shall I?' Cora suggested, taking the phone from Robert before passing Summer back to her Dad. She giggled as John took her in his arms. 'I need to use the bathroom as it is.'

As Cora disappeared. Robert looked on as John stared intently at his daughter. 'She's a little sweetheart.'

'Yeah,' John nodded, turning Summer around so she could see her brother's playing. 'Looking more and more like Anna every day.'

'How is Anna?' Robert asked, John turning to meet his gaze. 'Richard her new boyfriend, is he?'

'Yeah,' John breathed indifferently. 'Her new boyfriend.'

'You don't sound too happy about it.'

'It's none of my business,' John shrugged. 'What Anna does in her personal life is her concern, not mine. My only concern are the kids. And she's a great mum, so I have no need to worry, do I?'

'Come on, John.' Robert wasn't convinced. 'Your ex wife has a new boyfriend. Does that not do anything to you?'

John remained silent as he pondered his friends question. His ex wife was smitten with another man. If he was honest, it wasn't a nice feeling but he had brought it on himself. John had made this happen. He had wanted to be alone. Anna had every right to move on, to meet someone new. John needed time to process the new situation Anna found herself in, and he truly believed once he had got used to the idea it would no longer be an issue.

'It's weird,' John agreed before kissing Summer on the forehead. 'But I'm not jealous or anything.'

'Really?'

'Does that surprise you?'

'Well, I put myself in your shoes and the thought of another man experiencing things with Cora that I do doesn't sit well with me.' Robert explained. 'I know you decided to get divorced, but still. It would be normal to feel a little jealous.'

'Well I don't,' John replied, maybe a little more eagerly than he would have liked.

'Good.' Robert smiled, sitting back on his chair. 'Especially because if things go well between them, Richard will become a part of the kids lives as well.'

John hadn't allowed himself to think about that. 'Maybe.'

'I ordered a large pepperoni and a margherita.' Cora announced, reappearing outside. 'What are we talking about?'

'Not much,' Robert took Cora's hand in his own. 'I think I'm going to join in with the boys.'

* * *

A beautiful sunny Sunday afternoon had lead to Richard and Anna deciding to hire a boat and take a trip out on the lake. Richard had convinced Anna he was quite the skilled oarsman, although he had been caught short when he got their boat tangled in some weeds. Giggling more than she had in ages as he battled to free them, they were now flowing gently along the water, deep in conversation as the sun shone above them.

'I used to go to raves all the time,' Anna explained, reminiscing about her teenage years. 'Fluorescent clothing, the works.'

'I was never much of a clubber,' Richard admitted before narrowing his gaze upon Anna. 'But I might have been if I had you to accompany me.'

'You charmer.'

'Only when the person in question is worth it,' Richard raised his eyebrows, gazing at Anna in a way that made her feel as if she was on fire. He had the most beautiful eyes and Anna could quite easily find herself lost under their control.

'So, if you didn't go clubbing, what did you used to do in your spare time?'

'Football.'

'Typical man,' Anna interrupted with a sigh. 'Sports.'

'Not just sports I'll have you know,' Richard argued as he manoeuvred them around a few little ducklings following their mother. 'I used to play the trumpet.'

Anna's instant reaction was to burst out laughing before the straight look on the man opposite her caused her to stifle her giggling. 'Sorry.'

'No, it's fine,' Richard shook his head. 'I usually get that reaction.'

'I know but it's not nice to make fun of someone for their interests.'

'True, I kept my thoughts to myself about your fluorescent clothing.'

'Hey,' Anna threw her empty water bottle in the direction of her oarsman. 'I'll have you know I looked very fetching in my Hi Visibility jacket and luminous yellow tights. John certainly thought so.'

With the mention of his name, silence fell between Richard and Anna. She knew Richard felt uncomfortable about the whole situation, John was the father of her children and her ex husband. Richard wanted to get to know her as just Anna, mention of her husband surely wouldn't help matters.

Clearing his throat, Anna stared intently at him as she realised Richard was about to speak. 'John used to go clubbing with you?'

'Only once,' Anna replied. 'We had been seeing each other for a few weeks.'

'Oh right.' Richard shrugged his shoulders before meeting Anna's gaze. 'Do you mind me asking about him?'

'No,' Anna answered, looking down to the floor of the boat. 'I just assumed you wouldn't want to talk about him.'

'He's part of who you are, Anna. And I just want to get to know you.'

'Correction, he is part of who I was. He made his decision, and I won't lie, it has been difficult for me to accept. But it's becoming easier every day and I am so happy with how things are going between me and you.'

'I'm glad,' Richard's lips upturned into a smile as his gaze remained locked on Anna. 'Why don't I get us back to the hotel and we can get ready to go out for dinner?'

'I think that's the best idea you've had since you suggested this little excursion. All this rowing has left me famished.'

* * *

Closing his bedroom door with the quietest of clicks, John took in a deep breath as he heard his young sons giggling in their bedroom down the hall. Getting them to sleep was going to be a challenge. Bracing himself for the mission ahead, John moved down the hall until he was standing outside their bedroom door. Hand now on the door handle, John opened the door and silence falls as the boys realise they are no longer alone.

'Right then Master Oscar and Master Dylan. What do we have here?'

Both of the boys looked to the scattering of cars on the floor next to their toy garage. Tidy up time may be upon them. Kicking the box gently in their direction, John smiled as they both looked at it with an expression of dread on their faces.

'Cars in the box by the time I get to ten then you can both pick on story each. Go.'

The boys scurried around the floor, each picking up a handful of cars as John counted slowly up to ten. The floor was clear by the time their father had reached eight and both picked their stories. Settling on Oscar's bottom bunk, they laughed heartily as John put on an array of voices as he read them their chosen bedtime tales. Reaching the end of the final book, John looked down at his eldest son as Dylan prepared to ask his father a question.

'Will Mummy and Richard be picking us up from school on Monday?'

'Yeah.' John replied, shuffling to take both Dylan and Oscar in his arms. 'Do you get on well with Richard?'

'He's good at football,' Oscar replied, resting his head against his father's chest.

'And he is really good at making paper aeroplanes,' Dylan added. 'But are you coming home soon, Daddy?'

John felt a stinging in his eyes as the sound of his son's last question filled his ears. Composing himself, John thought about how he was going to respond. 'No son. But you come and stay here with Daddy, and that's alright isn't it?'

'Yeah,' Dylan said none too convincingly. 'I'm going to get into bed.'

Dylan scrambled out of his father's grasp and climbed up to the top bunk. John stood up, before bending down to kiss Oscar on the forehead and pull back his covers. 'In you get, Ossy. Sleep well.'

'Goodnight Daddy,' Oscar reached for his teddy and pulled the covers up over him, wriggling for a little while before finally settling.

Suitably convinced Oscar was moments from slumber, John turned his attentions to Dylan who was tucked in already, staring at the ceiling. 'Sweet dreams buddy.'

'Night Daddy, can you leave the door open a little bit.'

'And the hallway light on?'

'Yes please.'

John smiled, kissing Dylan on the forehead in the same way he just had Oscar, and turned to leave the room. As he set foot in the hallway, he felt his mobile phone vibrating in his pocket. Finding his phone, he saw it was Anna who was calling. Moving away and into the living room, he answered as he set up Summer's monitor on the mantelpiece.

'Hello Anna.'

'Hi John, how is everything?'

Stopping for a moment, John closed his eyes as Anna's voice reverberated around his head. Hearing it had an effect on him he wasn't quite expecting. His heartbeat had quickened, his breath was suddenly sharp and all with her simple greeting.

'Fine,' John managed to reply. 'Summer went down straight away and the boys only needed a couple of stories.'

'Great. I'm glad, although a little disappointed not to say hello to them.'

'They were asking after you,' John reassured her. 'I told them you'd be picking them up from school tomorrow.'

'Good. Thanks for this John. I really appreciate it.'

'It's my pleasure, I'm their Dad and pleased to do it.' John sat on the sofa, immediately moving forward as he came into contact with something uncomfortable. Reaching behind the cushion he was leaning on, he pulled out a rattle in the shape of a rabbit. Smiling as visions of Summer happily playing with it earlier in the afternoon filled his mind, he placed it gently on the coffee table in front of him.

'I know, but I do feel guilty leaving them all so I can go swanning off to the Lake District. '

'You deserve pampering,' John surprised himself by his admission, it had fallen off his tongue so naturally. The only trouble was that it was John who used to pamper Anna. The thought of another man doing it left him feeling suddenly downbeat.

'Thank you.'

'And is he, err...' John felt awkward as he continued with his line of questioning. 'Pampering you?'

'He is.' John could feel in her tone of voice that Anna was smiling. And he hated it. 'I am being treated like a Princess.'

John leant his head back against the back of the sofa, squeezing his eyes closed. He replied through gritted teeth. 'I'm glad. So you've had a good time?'

'Yes.' Anna didn't miss a beat. 'It's been wonderful.'

'Good.' John lied again. 'So I'll take the boys to school and be round to you with Summer by two. Is that okay?'

'Perfect. We'll be home by midday, Richard has to go into work tomorrow afternoon.'

'Alright. Well, I hope you have an enjoyable evening.' John was getting good at this lying business. 'See you tomorrow.'

'Bye John.'

With those words, Anna hung up. Staring at his phone as the picture changed from the call screen to his wallpaper of Summer, Dylan and Oscar, John let out a deep sigh. Why was his heart doing this to him now? Why had he suddenly rediscovered all these feelings he thought were gone with the man he was before his final deployment? He tried to convince himself it was because Anna was with someone new, because he couldn't have her anymore. But it was becoming harder and harder to ignore the fact it was more than that. After his meeting with William's mother, and in becoming more like his old self due to his counselling sessions, his opinions on the world and life in general were turning back to the way they used to be. And that meant the way he felt about Anna was changing too.

What a fool John had been. And now it was too late to do anything about it.

* * *

Walking slowly in the moonlight, the cool summer's nights breeze dancing around them, Anna got the feeling Richard had something on his mind. At different intervals, he would turn to say something to Anna, but then stop himself before any sound escaped his lips. This meant the walk from a nearby pub back to the hotel had been in relative silence. As they reached the gates to the entrance of the country house that was their hotel, Anna could stand it no longer.

'Richard, what is it?'

'What's what?' he replied, stepping aside to allow Anna to enter the hotel grounds before him.

'You have been trying to say something since we left the bloody pub.'

'No I haven't.' Anna stopped Richard by grabbing hold of his jacket sleeve. He met her gaze, took in a deep breath before looking beyond Anna at the hotel in the distance. 'Alright, I do have something I'd like to say.'

'Well, it's obvious but what?'

Shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot, Richard composed himself before replying. Taking Anna's hand in his, he grinned as a beautiful smile spread across her face, brightening her features despite the moonlit darkness they found themselves in.

'You're beautiful.' He began. 'Wonderful company. We have a great time together and I am so pleased with how events have transpired this weekend.'

'Me too,' Anna nodded, squeezing his hand. 'It's been lovely.'

'Look Anna, we're both too long in the tooth to beat around the bush.'

'Nice use of clichés, there,' Anna giggled, the atmosphere turning instantly lighter as Richard reciprocated her laughter.

'You are just perfect. I want to be honest with you. I have wanted to ask you out from the first moment I saw you. Now we finally have had the opportunity to date, it's been beyond anything I could have envisaged. I've fallen for you Anna, hook, line and sinker. I think, no I know, that I am in love with you. I love you, Anna.'

Wow. Anna was struggling to take it all in. This gorgeous, flawless man had just confessed his love for her and she had no idea how to handle it. Replying in kind wouldn't be fair, especially when she wasn't convinced she felt the same way. Not yet anyway. All she knew was that she had a great time with Richard, she liked who she was when she was with him. However, in the back of her mind she knew she was still in love with John. He had made his feelings quite clear, yet everything they had experienced together meant she wasn't quite ready to let him go completely yet.

'Richard, I'm very flattered.'

'But,' he sighed, stepping away from Anna and releasing her hand.

'No, please don't be like that.' Anna pleaded, grasping her fingers around his and resuming their contact. 'I am very fond of you, and I love spending time with you. My feelings grow with each passing second we spend together. But I want to be honest with you, like you are with me. I am still in love with John, and whilst those feelings are still there I can't promise you anything. The only thing I know is I want to carry on seeing you, and get to know you even better than I already do. I feel what we have between us will only get stronger and in time, I will feel the same way. For the time being, please be patient with me. I beg you.'

Relief flooded through Anna as Richard bridged the gap between them and rested his hands on her hips.

'Thank you for your honesty. What we have is worth fighting for, Anna. I truly believe that. I'll wait as long as it takes.'


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N- I will get back to Living in Sin, probably after this one is finished now. This only has 3 or 4 chapters to go. I have loved every minute and it has been a real tonic to write, as well as reading all your reviews. The response to this story has been amazing so thank you. But there is still a lot more to come. **

**Disclaimer- **Same as chapters 1 to 8.

_-4 Months later-_

John stood awkwardly in the kitchen as Anna chatted happily on her mobile phone to Richard. He was away in New York, working on a big case his firm had been battling to win for a while meaning he would be missing Summer's first birthday party, much to John's relief. However, standing here and listening to Anna and her cooing towards her new beau wasn't John's idea of fun.

He was in love with his ex wife. John had admitted that to himself. It wasn't because she was with someone new, it was a fact. He hadn't confided in anyone, keeping the secret buried deep within himself. Pride was stopping him, his damned stupid pride. John had made his decision, now he realised he had made it in haste. Anna had met someone new, and John believed it was karma's way of teaching him a lesson. He had resigned himself to the fact he would now be forever alone. If he couldn't have Anna back, he didn't want anyone else.

Relations between John and Anna were positive. John could feel it wasn't just because of the kids. There was a genuine friendship that had existed ever since the first moment they had set eyes upon each other which had been rekindled. A connection that couldn't be broken. They simply _got_ each other. It seemed a divorce and new boyfriend would do nothing to dent that. It had caused ructions between Richard and Anna, yet her confession of love and devotion to him a few weeks subsequent of their Lake District trip had done much to dispel his fears. Besides, as far as Anna was aware her feelings for John remained unrequited.

'Sorry about that,' Anna said, hanging up her phone. 'Where were we?'

'Discussing whether Summer should have a Unicorn or a teddy for her cake.' John replied, letting out a sigh as he rejoined Anna at the table. The party was three days away. Anna's friend was a cake designer, and had promised to bake the cake for them as a gift, if they handed in their order by Tuesday. It was now Wednesday afternoon. 'I vote teddy bear.'

Anna held up her cake brochure. 'But the Unicorn is so sweet.'

'Rock, paper, scissor?' John suggested. 'The winner gets the cake they want.'

'John, you are so juvenile.'

'On three.'

'John...'

'One, two...'

'This is ridiculous.'

'Three.'

Anna's reluctance all but evaporated as she drew rock. John showed paper.

'Teddy bear it is,' John announced with a grin, wrapping his hand around Anna's fist to indicate his victory. Their gaze locked on the other, John was sure his heart had stopped beating. The silliest of games had lead to the first contact they had had since Anna had left Robert's house in tears, all those months ago. When John had told her he couldn't be the man she wanted him to be. The moment wasn't lost on Anna either, her eyes unable to divert themselves away from John's, her breathing shallow. Suddenly, deeming the whole moment strangely absurd, Anna slowly pulled her hand away before turning her attentions back to the cake brochure.

'Well, can the teddy bear at least be pink?'

'Okay,' John nodded weakly, the feelings rushing through him meaning he wasn't sure he could deny Anna anything at the present moment.

'Good, I'll phone Daisy in a minute. As for the rest of the food, Robert will man the barbecue...'

'Which means we should be eating in time for Summer's fourth birthday,' John answered without missing a beat.

Anna began to laugh almost instantaneously. No one had ever been able to make her laugh like John did. Not even Richard. He watched transfixed as her laughter died down, the way she tucked an errant strand of her behind her ear almost driving John close to the edge.

'I'm glad that...' She stopped, looking down to the table before clearing her throat. 'Never mind.'

'No, please carry on,' John insisted, searching out her eyes with his own before reminding her of something. 'It's me, Anna. You can tell me anything.'

Something in his voice made Anna look up, grinning slightly as he implored her to continue her train of thought.

'I'm glad that we can be friends. Like this.' She began, John's heart sinking slightly at the sound of the word, friend. 'Not just for Dylan, Oscar and Summer's benefit. But for mine. For ours. To know that you are still in my life means more to me than you will ever know.'

'I'll always be here for you Anna. Always.'

'I know that, and I couldn't have picked a better Daddy for my children to have.' Anna looked beyond John into the distance as she contemplated how to continue. 'Look John. I have some news. But I haven't told Mum and Gwen yet. On Saturday, before the other party guests arrive, will you bring the boys over an hour or so earlier. So I can tell the three of you together?'

'You're worrying me, Anna.'

'Oh, it's nothing to be worried about,' Anna dismissed John's fears. 'I'm not ill or anything. Will you just be here a little earlier?'

'Of course.' John agreed, his imagination now running wild. This would be torture, the not knowing. Especially now he had a trip to Edinburgh for work ahead of him. 'Right, I best get going, I am due at the depot in an hour.'

'Fine, Summer will be awake for her lunch soon anyway,' Anna smiled, standing up and following John to the front door. 'And she won't eat for the excitement of her Daddy being here.'

Reaching the front door, John opened it before turning to face Anna. 'Is there anything else you need? For Saturday?'

'Nope, I think we're all set.' John stepped out onto the front porch as Anna took hold of the door. 'The boys know you are picking them up from school on Friday. You should have finished your delivery by then?'

'I'll be finished by six o clock tomorrow morning. I have a counselling session tomorrow afternoon so I better be finished, Robert will kill me if I miss an appointment.'

'The counselling has really helped, hasn't it?'

'Yeah,' John nodded. 'The flashbacks are all but non existent now and the doctor thinks I'll be able to be prescribed the lowest dosage my medication allows.'

'That's fantastic news, John.' Anna enthused. 'Really it is.'

'Thanks. Myself and Robert are taking them bowling after school on Friday. Luckily for me, the only thing Robert does worse than barbecuing is bowling.'

Anna chuckled lightly, raising her fingers to her lips. 'Is he really that bad?'

'No, it will be fine. But have a back up in place. You know, just in case.'

* * *

Pulling up onto the drive, two very excited little boys in the back of his car, John grimaced at the amount of pink that had come into his line of vision. Ribbons and balloons were hanging from every available position and a giant number 1 hung on the door. He laughed softly to himself as he saw a pink Unicorn sitting on the porch. Turning off the cars ignition, Oscar and Dylan began to undo their seatbelts.

'Steady on, boys,' John warned, opening his door. 'I'll come around and let you out.'

Freeing Dylan first, his eldest son was out of the car and towards the house before he had even had a chance to walk around to Oscar's side of the car. Opening his door, Oscar reached out his arms for John to lift him out of the car. John obliged, pulling Oscar up into his embrace.

'Let's go and find Mummy and Summer, shall we?'

After reaching for a pink bag which had been sitting between Oscar and Dylan, containing his gifts to his daughter, he locked the car and preceded into the house with his son. The sounds of Anna, Elizabeth and Gwen greeting Dylan filled his ears as he crossed the threshold with Oscar in his arms. Placing him on the floor, John closed the door as Oscar ran into the kitchen. Following him, John struggled to find his composure as the vision of Anna in white knee length dress took his breath away. She had curled her hair, her blonde locks flowing down over her shoulders.

'Hello Oscar,' Anna exclaimed, bending down to take him in her arms. 'Mummy has missed you.'

'Where's Summer?' Oscar asked, wrapping his arms around his mother.

'Sleeping my darling. She has a big afternoon ahead of her.' Anna replied before turning her attentions to John. 'Hello Dad.'

'Alright Mum,' he returned with a grin. 'You look beautiful.'

'Oscar, Dylan is outside with Nanny and Aunty Gwen. Do you want to go outside and see them?'

'Okay,' Dylan replied sweetly before running outside, leaving John and Anna alone.

'You know, you never did scrub up badly.' Anna said once Oscar was outside, giving John the once over. He was wearing a pair of jeans, ones which Anna recognised as new. A white shirt was hidden beneath a light grey sweater.

'Well, thought I'd dress up for the occasion of our daughters first birthday party,' John answered, straightening his sweater before placing his gift on the kitchen side.

'John, do you remember when I said I had something to say to you?'

Remember? It was all John had been able to think about since Anna had mentioned it.

'Yes,' John said indifferently.

'Well, I told Gwen and Mum this morning. I wanted to tell you alone. Mum and Gwen know we are having this conversation so are keeping the boys entertained outside.'

'What is it, Anna?'

Taking a deep breath before continuing, Anna took John by the hand and lead him to sit at the kitchen table. Sitting opposite him, Anna kept her fingers tightly wrapped around John's.

'This is so difficult for me, John. When I first met you, I thought that was it. I'd found the man I would be with for the rest of my life.'

'Anna, please don't...'

'Please John,' Anna interrupted before exhaling deeply. 'I have to say this and I have to say it now. I have been building myself up to this and have planned what I want to say. Please just listen.'

'Alright, sorry.'

'Look, what happened when you came home ripped my heart in two. I never thought anyone could make me feel like that, least of all you.' John squeezed his eyes shut, hearing Anna's admission had hit him like a bullet in the chest. How could he have been so cold, so callous? 'I never thought I would get over it but then Richard came into my life. And he made me see that maybe I could be happy again.'

Richard. The name that John was growing to loathe the more and more he heard it.

'Things have progressed quickly between us. He loved me long before I knew anything about it, and I found myself falling for him the more and more time we spent together. I do love him. With all my heart.'

John couldn't bear hearing this, it was too much for him to handle. 'Anna, what is it you are trying to say?'

'We're engaged, John. Myself and Richard.'

And with those words, John's head was spinning. Engaged? They had hardly been dating five months. John had no response. Because of his stupidity, he was about to lose the only woman he had ever loved. For good. He should speak up. Tell Anna what was in his heart. For a split second, he contemplated doing so before a realisation quickly spread over him. Anna had just confessed her love for Richard. She was happy. For all John knew any romantic feelings his ex wife may have been harbouring for him were gone. He owed it to Anna to let her go. To let her move on.

Anna sat patiently as she waited for John to respond. This was what he wanted, he wanted her to find someone who could treat her in a way he no longer could. Although she was content with Richard, it shouldn't be like this. In an ideal world, John would have come home from Afghanistan and things would have carried on as normal. She and John would be welcoming guests into their home for their daughters party together. John had made this happen, not Anna. She was simply doing what he had requested of her, to move on in her life without John in it as her husband.

'When...' John began before looking up to meet Anna's eyes with his own. 'When are you getting married?'

'We've booked the registrar for a months time. Nothing too fancy. We just want to be married. That's the other thing... he will be moving in here with us. If that's alright.'

John looked around the kitchen that was meant to be his kitchen. Having been able to buy the house outright thanks to his mother's money, John had signed the house over to Anna and their children. To ensure the children had a nice roof over their heads, to soften the blow for Anna that his decision would cause. The house was Anna's to do with as she pleased. Now another man would be taking his place. He had no choice but to accept it.

'That's fine. I'd rather the kids stayed somewhere that was familiar to them.'

'Thank you. Richard wants to pay you back in some way if you agreed that he can move in. I told him you would both talk about that at a later date.'

'And what about the kids. And Richard?'

'They won't be calling him Daddy, if that's what you mean,' Anna replied, tenderly stroking John's hand. 'Nothing will change in that regard. I still maintain I couldn't have picked a more perfect father to bring children into the world with. But Richard will be in their lives. They do all get along so well. But you are their Dad, and I will do everything in my power to remind them of that every day. Richard would never dream of taking your place.'

John nodded his head, gently pulling his hand away from the grasp of Anna's. He looked up and Anna noticed a slight glistening to his hazel coloured eyes.

'But he does make you happy?'

'He does,' Anna answered with a smile. 'Very happy.'

John stood up suddenly, Anna mirroring his movements shortly afterwards. 'Then I wish you all the luck in the world.'

Reaching out his arms, John pulled Anna into his embrace, wrapping his arms tightly around her waist, breathing in her scent. He could feel his heart breaking more with every second he held her close to him. So many times he had held Anna like this, however knowing this would be the last time left John close to despair. And it was all of his own doing.

* * *

Trying to make an effort for his children's sake, John really wished he could be anywhere but here. Alone. The news had come from the leftfield, completely out of the blue. He knew Anna and Richard were getting along well together, but news of an engagement was the last thing he thought Anna would be revealing to him.

Distracting himself by playing his Dad role to the letter, John set about setting up all of Summer's new toys. Raiding his old shed, finding screwdrivers to undo gifts that were screwed into their packets, placing batteries into their correct place, handing out drinks to the assembled guests. Anything to take his mind off his wife's revelation. His act wouldn't wash with Robert though, who looked on an intrigued spectator as John over emphasised his role as the happy father.

'Two more burgers please Robert,' John announced, holding out two empty plates to his comrade. 'Dylan and Oscar are loving the barbecue.'

'Yes, it is a culinary triumph,' Robert replied in jest before his demeanour turned more serious. He began to toss two more burgers on the grill before looking at his friend. 'What's going on?'

'I'm sorry?' John replied, placing the plates on the table behind Robert.

'You and the happy host routine. You're not fooling me.'

'And I wouldn't try to. Nothing is wrong. I'm just enjoying my daughter's party.'

'John,' Robert replied impatiently, folding his arms.

He sighed before looking to check for Anna's whereabouts. She was sitting on a picnic blanket twenty or so metres away, Summer on her lap as she chatted intently to one of the neighbours. John felt safe to continue.

'Anna and Richard are getting married.'

'What?' Robert hissed before the barbecue made the same sound, startling him a little. 'When was this decided?'

'I don't know, all I know is it is happening in a month.'

'Well, that shouldn't bother you. You said yourself you aren't jealous.' Robert sought out his friends eyes before turning his attentions back to flipping the burgers he was cooking. 'Or are you?'

'I've been a damned fool, Rob,' John admitted, folding his arms whilst staring at Anna.

'Well yes, I did tell you that at the time.'

'Not helping, Major Crawley.'

'Look John, give it time. You made your decision when you came home and convinced us all it was what you wanted. You have to stick by that. I reckon you are just feeling this way because you can't have Anna anymore. '

'I thought that at first but I have realised I'm still in love with her.' John revealed, picking two bread rolls and cutting them with a knife. 'Ever since she announced her dating Richard, something has been stirring within me. I honestly did put it down to the fact she was with someone else. But as time went on, the more and more the feelings grew. It makes me sick to the stomach to think of them together.'

'Then tell her how you feel...'

'I can't,' John interrupted, placing the bread on the two plates. 'It's too late now. I made my decision too hastily, and now I have to live with the consequences.'

* * *

With all the fuss being made over Summer, Elizabeth felt it was fair she should treat her grandsons to something as well. John and Robert had worked together to erect on the front lawn a tent, which had been lovingly given to the boys by their grandmother.

Subsequently, John had found himself talked into staying over to camp in the back garden with his sons. Anna had agreed to allow John to stay over, seeing the looks on her boys faces she could hardly say no. After a quick trip home, John returned with a sleeping bag, pyjama's and his toothbrush.

With both boys now asleep, John unzipped the tent and looked out to see Anna sitting on the decking by the kitchen door, Summer's monitor on the garden table, sipping a rather large glass of wine. The lights on the decking were shining brightly in the dusk filled atmosphere. Anna waved at him, signalling to John that it was alright for him to approach. Carefully extracting himself from the tent, John slowly zipped the tent back up, ensuring the torch gave out enough light to satisfy his nervous eldest son, but not too much that would wake them both up. Once convinced everything was in order, John treaded the front lawn, his sweater long since discarded and his shirt tails hanging out from his jeans.

'Drink?' Anna asked, holding the bottle of wine in the air.

'No thanks, I'll get a glass of water in a minute. Summer go off alright?'

'Yes, once she got over the fact that you were here yet not putting her to bed. She's definitely a Daddy's girl.'

Silence fell then, both lost in their thoughts as they watched the summer evening's sky slowly fade to darkness. A few minutes must have passed before Anna spoke, breaking the stillness that had fallen between them.

'John, are you really alright? About my news?'

Sitting forward , John pulled down his shirt slightly before shifting in his chair to make himself comfortable again.

'It's sudden but I meant what I said. You don't need it but you have my blessing.'

'Thank you.'

'But why so soon?' John enquired, looking across at Anna. 'A month? I thought you wanted a white wedding.'

'With you, yes.'

Her words caused John to fall silent again as their gaze met.

'Anna, I...'

'It is sudden, I accept that.' Anna interrupted, looking at her wine glass and running her index finger over the rim. 'It just feels right. Richard makes me feel so good about myself. He saved me, and I have a lot to thank him for.'

'Then I honestly do wish you every happiness. I just hope the bloke realises how lucky he is.'


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N- This chapter went on for 14 pages. I went off on a tangent it would seem. Lots of angst but plenty of Anna and John interaction. Thanks for your reviews. My Mum is doing much better now, thanks to those who have asked about her. **

**Disclaimer- **Same as chapters 1-9 :)

* * *

'Three tins of crushed berry pink paint, two rollers and a step ladder. Let's get painting shall we?'

John bounded into the house, and up the stairs to Summer's new room, paint accessories under his arm. Anna smiled as she heard a crash before John's cursing followed shortly afterwards. Walking up the stairs, Anna made her way into Summer's room to join him. Richard was away in Seattle on business, not exactly convenient considering the wedding was a week away. As he would soon be sharing Anna's room, it had been decided they would move Summer into her own room. John had insisted he help decorate. Dylan, Oscar and Summer were staying with Elizabeth, Anna not wanting them around the paint fumes.

'It had to be pink,' John grimaced as he reached for his screwdriver and opened the first tin of paint. 'Lovely. Not.'

'It's gorgeous,' Anna squealed, picking up one of the paintbrushes that John had dropped before dipping it in the tin. John looked on amusedly as Anna moved to the wall and stroked the brush over the surface. 'Beautiful.'

'Yeah, well,' John said, shrugging his jacket over his shoulders before picking up the backpack he had dropped along with everything else. 'I'll just go and get changed and we can get started.'

A solid three hours of painting meant the room was completed in one afternoon. John had to admit the colour had grown on him, although after a small paint fight he believed it looked better spread across Anna's face. A shower each later, they found themselves in the kitchen as Anna prepared them something for dinner.

'Do you remember when we painted our first living room?' John asked, a smile across his face as memories of that time in their lives filled his mind.

'It took us two weeks.'

'That was because you couldn't resist me in my overalls.' John replied, raising his eyebrows.

'I couldn't resist you full stop.'

She turned to look at him, their eyes meeting as her comment reverberated around the room. The words had fallen so naturally from her tongue she hadn't contemplated what affect they would have. Turning back to the stove, she switched off the hobs and moved to get two plates from the cupboard.

'Ready for dinner?'

'Yes,' John replied, sitting up at the table as Anna placed a plate down in front of him. She first offered him some spaghetti, before placing the bolognaise on the table. They remained in silence as they settled at the table.

'This is beautiful,' John said after taking a mouthful. 'I've missed your cooking.'

'That's not what you said the first time I cooked for you,' Anna mused. 'Remember that steak and kidney pie.'

'Which you incinerated. ' John laughed as he twisted some more spaghetti onto his fork.

'It wasn't incinerated, it was well cooked,' Anna argued.

'It was black.'

'But you ate it.'

'I did. And I enjoyed every char grilled bite.' John replied in jest.

* * *

After dinner, Anna and John decided to bring down some old photographs from the loft. Talking about the old times had brought this occurrence about and Anna couldn't see the harm in it. Richard was away, and it was only reminiscing about what was a happy time in her life. Despite it all, she liked to remember those times. When she had first met John. When they dated. How he proposed. Sitting in the living room, they had the box of photographs on the floor between them, intermittently reaching for a photo each.

'Do you remember the dozen roses you sent to the office,' Anna remembered as she looked at a picture of her and John at their engagement party. 'I felt like the cat who had got the cream.'

'I remember they cost me an arm and a leg.'

'Trust you to remember they were expensive,' Anna rolled her eyes. 'Always a stickler when it came to money.'

'I just don't like to be ripped off,' John pleaded his defence before pulling out another picture. He breathed in deeply as a grin spread across his lips. It was a photograph of John and Anna with Dylan, a few minutes after he had been born.

'That was the happiest evening of my life, up until that point at least,' Anna said as she took the photo John was holding into her own hands. 'Remember driving him home from the hospital? You wouldn't go over twenty miles an hour.'

'Better safe that sorry.'

'John, you were doing twenty along a dual carriageway.'

'Damned if I do, damned if I don't. You were always moaning at me for driving too fast. In fact, you were always moaning at me if I think about it.'

Anna laughed at his comment. 'Well, if you did as I asked, I wouldn't have nagged.'

'Is that so,' John narrowed his gaze on Anna, a slight smile playing on his lips. She reciprocated his expression before looking away, reaching for the next photo. It was one of John and Anna on their wedding day. Both of them were staring at it absorbedly, John dressed in his blues, Anna resplendent in her wedding dress. In the photograph, they were staring at each other, both laughing, hand in hand.

'Do you remember what I had just said to you before that was taken?' John asked, breaking the silence that had fallen between them.

'It was probably something crude,' Anna replied. 'No one can make me laugh like you do.'

They carried on sitting in silence, both of their attentions focussed on the picture as they both thought about the wedding day and what it had meant for both of them.

'I loved seeing you dressed in your blues. It turned me on like you wouldn't believe.'

'Really,' John's tone was playful as he continued to still look at the photograph. 'You were so beautiful that day, as you were every day of our marriage. You still are beautiful.'

Anna looked at John, the sincerity in his eyes causing her resolve to almost melt away. At that moment, they were the only two people who existed. John moved closer to Anna, the feelings rushing through him rendering him not in control of his body as he gently stroked Anna's cheek with his index finger. As he leant towards her, it soon became apparent she wasn't moving away. Her head was tilted, her eyes half lidded as John brushed his lips softly against Anna's. He felt her pull away a little, keeping his eyes tightly closed before the feel of her lips on his completely took his breath away. She was kissing him. Anna wanted this.

'Tell me to stop,' John breathed, breaking contact with Anna.

'I don't want you to stop.'

He needed no further encouragement as John pushed Anna back against the sofa, his hand running along her thigh as he resumed the kiss they were sharing, deepening it instantly. Anna's trembling fingers found John's shirt buttons, undoing them hastily. As soon as they were open, Anna's hands were on John's chest, running her hands through the coarse hair she found there.

'I've missed this...' John murmured, turning his attentions to Anna's neck as she moved her hands down his sides, John shivering as her touch set all his senses alight. It was as if this was their first time together all over again.

Richard was the furthest thing from Anna's mind as she revelled in the feeling of being this close to John. Everything she had felt for him came rushing back, and if she was honest to herself those feelings had never lost her. This was right, this was how life should be. Her and John like this.

'Are you sure?' John had pulled away from Anna's neck, doubts creeping into his mind. He would never push Anna or lull her into something he wasn't certain she wanted. Suddenly standing up, Anna held her hand out to John and left him in no doubt.

'Take me upstairs.'

* * *

She couldn't sleep. The room was dark, all she could think of was Richard. As she stared at the ceiling above her, Anna felt the cold chill of guilt rush through her. Looking to her right, she closed her eyes at the sight of a contented, sleeping John. What had felt so natural a few hours before was now seeming like a massive mistake. Anna had wanted this, she wanted to be with John. Now, she longed to be anywhere but sleeping by his side. Richard was to be her husband in less than a week. She silently tried to convince herself that was where her heart lay, that her life now was with Richard. What had happened previously this evening was wrong. So cruel. Anna suddenly felt very ashamed. She looked at the clock, half past midnight.

With the silence almost deafening, Anna got out of bed and immediately reached for the robe that was laying on the chair in the corner of the room. Tying the cord, she carefully trod out of the bedroom and out onto the landing. Paint fumes filled her senses and memories of her and John painting Summer's room came to mind, the fun they had together. She had to move downstairs and fast.

Once in the kitchen Anna turned on the light before rubbing a weary hand over her face. Reaching for a glass from the cupboard, Anna was sure she would feel a little better after having a drink. As she held the glass under the tap, she was startled by a presence behind her. Turning, she sucked in a breath as she saw John standing in the doorway, in only the trousers he had worn whilst painting, leaning against the doorframe. She felt her heart beating fast as he walked towards her.

'Are you alright?'

Anna turned quickly, not wanting to look at John as images of what they had done together became prominent. The betrayal, it would break Richard's heart. She couldn't do that to him. She wanted to marry Richard, Anna was telling herself this had just been a way of getting John out of her system. John reached Anna, standing beside her and placing his hands on her shoulders.

'I feel terrible.'

'Poorly?'

'No, about this.' Anna replied, shaking herself away from John's touch. 'It shouldn't have happened.'

'What do you mean? Anna, you wanted this.'

'I thought I did,' Anna replied, slightly agitated before taking another sip of her water. 'I love Richard. I am going to marry him.'

'But what about what happened between us? It felt right, you have to admit that...'

'It was wrong. All of this is wrong.'

John placed his arms around Anna's waist. 'We belong together, you know we do.'

'I belong with Richard now.'

John relinquished contact with Anna, stepping backwards as not to come across as too overbearing. He stood with his back against the kitchen counter so he could look into her face. She was showing no sentiment, a cold hard stare ahead of her was all the indication to John of how she was feeling.

'Anna, the thought of him with you, the thought of him experiencing things with you like what we just have,' John stopped, his voice breaking with raw emotion. 'I don't want anyone else to have you.'

Anna responded by throwing her glass into the sink, the sound causing John to jump as Anna paced towards the back door that lead to the garden.

'You made this happen, John,' Anna was yelling as she ran her hands through her hair, turning back to face him. 'When you came home from Afghanistan I was ready to carry on living our lives. You wanted to leave me, you wanted to break up our marriage. Do you have any idea how much that hurt me?'

'Anna, I'm sorry,' John approached her, his arms outstretched before Anna backed away.

'Don't touch me, John. Just don't.' She leant against the back door She looked at the floor, tears beginning to fall from her eyes before she looked up at her ex husband. 'You had me. I was yours, unequivocally. For better or worse. And you blew it.'

'I was in a dark place, I...'

'I don't care, John.' Anna interrupted him as she walked towards the kitchen table and sat down. Stillness spread throughout the room until Anna continued to speak. 'Do you know what hurt the most? That day, when you told me you weren't sure if you were in love with me anymore.'

'Anna, please believe me,' John was now kneeling beside Anna, his hands clasped around hers, his voice aching with desperation. 'I was lucky enough to fall in love with you once. What this past year has done is given me the chance to fall in love with you all over again...'

'You shouldn't have needed the chance to, John. We should still be married.'

'I know that. Please forgive me.'

' You hurt me so much. ' Anna's voice softened to almost a whisper. 'But I have learnt to accept it. We have both moved on. And this isn't fair to Richard, if he ever found out it would kill him. And the look on his face would kill me. I love him and I am going to be his wife. Whether you like it or not.'

Freeing her hands, John stood up, his gaze locked on Anna's as he backed away.

'Well, there's nothing else to say.'

'No.'

'I'll go then, shall I?'

'I think it would be best.'

John moved to the kitchen door, his shoulders slumped before stopping and looking back at Anna. She felt her heart ache at the sight of him, a broken man. The jovial tone of the early evening's reminiscing a distant memory. 'I never would have pursued this, this evening, if you didn't want me to, Anna. You do know that.'

Anna nodded, wiping her eye before smiling weakly. 'Things just got out of control. I'm sorry for giving you false hope.'

'You gave me a memory to treasure, please don't be sorry for that.' John mustered all his strength to upturn his lips into a slight smile. 'I just wish I wasn't such a fool. I'll regret the decision I made for the rest of my life.'

'Just make sure you continue to be there for Dylan, Oscar and Summer. They adore you.'

'As I do them.'

'They'll always connect us John, no matter what.' Anna stood with these words before walking across the kitchen, her bare feet against the cold floor causing a shiver to run down her spine. She stopped within touching distance of John, placing a hand on his upper arm. 'We'll always be in each others lives.'

'Just not entirely in the way I would like.'

'I don't know what to say John.'

'Except that this is all my doing.'

'Well it is, isn't it?' Anna shrugged, John sighing in response before folding his arms. 'I won't insult your intelligence by asking this stays between us.'

'Only because you want me to.'

'Thank you.'

John nodded weakly in acknowledgement, staring at Anna for a final moment before disappearing upstairs.

* * *

'Summer is going to look adorable,' Gwen cooed as Anna showed her best friend her daughter's dress for the wedding.

In Anna's room, they both studied the little yellow dress laid out on the bed as Elizabeth fed Summer downstairs. It was the night before her impending nuptials to Richard. He had just left, having shared lunch with Anna, her mother and her dearest friend. Gwen and Elizabeth were bowled over by Richard and how he had behaved towards Anna ever since he had come into her life. After how devastated Anna had been left by John and his actions, it was wonderful for them to see Anna so happy.

However, Gwen would be lying if she hadn't noticed how distracted her best friend had been for the past few days. She was nothing like the blushing bride she should be. Distant, not at all affectionate towards Richard as one would be towards their soon to be husband. Finally getting her friend alone, Gwen contemplated broaching the subject. Anna looked up at Gwen and noted the troubled expression on her face.

'What is it, Gwen? That look means you are thinking and that can be nothing but a dangerous thing.'

Gwen turned to look at her friend before speaking. 'It's just, I know you Anna. And you haven't been yourself all day.'

Anna looked back down at Summer's dress. 'I'm fine, Gwen. Really I am.'

'Anna,' Gwen exclaimed, frustrated with Anna's response. 'You are not. What is it? You do want to marry Richard, don't you?'

'Yes,' Anna replied without missing a beat before she met Gwen's eyes once more. 'I think so.'

'Anna, what's going on?'

She was going to have to reveal all, there was no point in denying it to the person who knew her best, possibly apart from John. Admitting defeat, Anna slumped down on the bed before taking some of the material from Summer's dress between her thumb and forefinger, stroking it gently.

'I slept with John.'

'What?' Gwen was overwhelmed, moving to the bedroom door and shutting it closed. 'When?'

'The evening after we finished Summer's room.' Anna explained as Gwen came and sat beside her.

'Did he force you?'

'God no. John wouldn't do that.' Anna quickly dismissed Gwen's suggestion. 'I wanted it to happen. As soon as it was over I felt so guilty. Richard was all I could think about. I sent John away, told him it was a mistake and that we were over, I was going to marry Richard.'

'Good for you, Anna. He had his chance, this was all his doing.'

'That's just it, Gwen. Right now, a few days later all I can think about is John and whether or not I am making a huge mistake in marrying Richard.'

'Well, you can shake those thoughts from your mind,' Gwen replied, rising to her feet and standing in front of Anna with her arms folded. 'Think on this, Anna. Think how devastated you were feeling when he left you. When he ended your marriage. Would Richard ever leave you feeling the same way?'

'No,' Anna breathed. 'I know he wouldn't. But I'm just not sure I am ever going to feel the same way about him as I did about John.'

'Anna, your sons are home.' Their conversation was interrupted by Anna's mother calling up the stairs. 'And John's here.'

'We best get downstairs,' Anna stood up, picking up Summer's dress and hanging it back into her wardrobe, beside Dylan and Oscar's little suits that matched Richard's.

'Anna, you are going to marry Richard tomorrow, aren't you?'

'Oh, of course I am,' Anna sighed, running a hand over the sleeve of one of the suits. 'I do love Richard. We will be happy together and I know my children are safe with him.'

'Exactly, he's a good man and he'd go to hell and back for you.'

'I know, I am very lucky.'

'That's more like it,' Gwen smiled as she turned to open the bedroom door.

They walked downstairs in silence. Elizabeth and the boys were in the living room, Anna craning her neck right to see John holding Summer in his arms in the kitchen. She felt her heart melting as she drank in the pure joy on his face as he whispered at his daughter. Closing her eyes, she was brought out of her daydreams by Elizabeth,

'John wants a word in the kitchen.'

'Why?' Anna furrowed her brow as Dylan and Oscar came into her view. 'Hello my handsome boys.'

'Mummy, can we watch a DVD before bed?' Oscar asked as she bent down to embrace Dylan.

'Yes my darling's, Go with Nanny and Aunty Gwen, I'll be back in a minute.'

'Yes!' Oscar exclaimed as he ran back into the living room.

'Boys, not Jurassic Park. If I have to watch that one more time I shall scream.' Elizabeth warned her grandsons as she followed them to the DVD cabinet.

'Anna, don't do anything stupid.' Gwen advised her friend. 'Don't let him change your mind.'

Agreeing with her friend with a nod, she turned her attentions to the kitchen and began to tread the hall towards her ex husband and their daughter. John looked up to see her approaching and kept her gaze until she shut the kitchen door.

'Hope you don't mind, it's just I won't see her with the wedding tomorrow and everything. It's good of your Mum to have the kids tomorrow night.'

'Of course I don't mind,' Anna replied, walking towards them and stroking Summer's arm. 'She's your daughter. You are allowed to give her a cuddle.'

John smiled at her before turning his attentions back to Summer. 'Would it be alright to have a picture of the kids in their outfits tomorrow. For the cab in my lorry.'

'Of course it is,' Anna's voice was weak causing John to look up in alarm. 'What did you want to talk to me about?'

'Firstly, I'm sorry about the other night.'

Anna held up her hand to indicate for John to stop talking, she wanted to push that to the back of her mind, especially with what was to happen tomorrow. 'It's fine. It shouldn't have happened but it did. As long as it stays between us, there is no harm done.'

John inhaled deeply before placing Summer in her highchair. 'Anna, I know you are embarking on a new life tomorrow, and I understand that but I had to say what I am about to say, before you become another man's wife.'

'John, I...'

'Please sit down, Anna.' He gestured for her to sit beside her daughter at the table. She did as she was asked, their eyes locked on each other, Anna waiting with baited breath for what John was about to say. 'What happened this past year, it's just been crazy. I was self centred, self absorbed. I just wish...'

'You went through something horrific John. You had every right to...'

'I just wanted you to know that I still love you Anna.' John said the words quickly, fearing if he stalled he might not ever get them out. 'I've tried not to, but it seems in doing so it only makes my feelings stronger.'

'Please John, don't.'

'Anna, I have to tell you this.' He sat opposite her, smiling slightly as Summer murmured 'Dada' before turning his attentions back to Anna. 'The simple truth is I miss you. I miss the little things. Like the way you curl your hair around your finger when you think, running my hand along the arch of your back, the way your kiss made me feel. Please believe me when I say I will never be with anyone else now, not wholeheartedly anyway. Not when my heart belongs to you. Only you.'

'This isn't fair, I don't get it,' Anna shrugged, averting her gaze from him to Summer. 'Why are you doing this now? You aren't being fair.'

'I just had to tell you,' John replied, matter-of-factly.

'You're just putting doubts in my mind. It just makes everything so complicated.' Anna gasped, standing up and walking to the kitchen counter. With her back to John, she carried on, fearing looking at him would cause her to lose her composure. 'You have no idea how hard it is for me to ignore how I feel about you. I feel so many things towards you.'

'I'd be worried if you didn't. I am the father of your children after all. We're friends, aren't we?'

'It's not that simple,' Anna sighed before looking to the ceiling. 'I am still in love with you.'

John's could hear his heartbeat thundering in his ears as he processed Anna's words. She was still in love with him, he was with her. It was simple, wasn't it?

'Well then?' John moved to stand beside Anna, looking down at her. 'We both still love each other. What's stopping us...'

'You near on destroyed me John.' Anna blurted out, looking up at his face. 'Richard would never dream of making me feel that way...'

'But you said yourself. I went through something terrible.'

'I wanted to help you. And you wouldn't let me.' Anna couldn't stop herself then, tears began to fall from her eyes as she recalled how low she had felt when John turned his back on her. 'You wouldn't let me in. I was your wife, and made me feel second rate, like I meant nothing at all. That's very hard for me to forget, let alone forgive. I said I feel so many things about you. Despite loving you, I hate you as well for the way you made me feel. '

'I want to make it up to you.' John placed his hand over the top of Anna's as it rested on the kitchen counter. 'Let me make it up to you.'

Snatching her hand away, Anna startled John as she backed away from him. 'I love Richard and we are going to get married tomorrow.'

'But does he make you feel how I do?' John asked with a whisper, closing the gap between himself and Anna. This time, Anna didn't move as John came closer, resting a hand on her hip. She closed her eyes, gasping slightly as she felt her skin burning at his touch, sensations flowing through her that Richard had never made her feel. John moved his head so his lips were beside Anna's ear before continuing. 'When he touches you, or kisses you, does it feel the same?'

'No.' Anna answered truthfully. 'But I can't do that to him. I can't call off the wedding. I do love him. We wouldn't have a passionate relationship, but I'd be happy and secure. The kids will be safe.'

'Anna...'

Clasping her hand over the one he was gripping onto her hip with, Anna moved it away before stepping back slightly. 'Even if I could find it within me to call off the wedding, I couldn't be with you. After what you did to me.'

'What do I have to do?' John's tone became sharper, Summer turning in her chair to see what all the commotion was. 'Get down on my knees? I will if I have to, Anna.'

'No John. It won't make a difference.' Walking to Summer, noticing her alarm, Anna lifted her from the chair before turning back to John. 'I don't want us to ruin the relationship we have built over the past few months and if we carry on like this that is what is going to happen. We owe it to the kids at least to be friends.'

'So that's it?'

'I think you should go now. I'll call you with arrangements for the kids next week.'

'But Anna, you love me. You just told me you loved me.'

Anna walked to the kitchen door, opening it as a warning for John to be careful how he continued, the others would be able to hear now. 'Bye John.'

He stood in the middle of the kitchen, a solitary tear falling down his cheek. Anna almost whimpered herself at the sight of it. Despite her steely exterior, refusing to give in to John's advances was so difficult. It would be so easy to tell him she wanted him back. But in her mind, it was Richard who was deserving of her love now, not her ex husband.

John walked out without a sound.

* * *

He couldn't go home. The silence would drive him mad. Parking his car outside the building he lived in, John decided to go for a walk. Not wanting any company, he wondered aimlessly for what seemed like a few hours. Having passed the same pub for the third time, he decided on this occasion he would go inside. He hadn't touched a drop of alcohol for over a year. Maybe this was one of those occasions where solace could only be found at the bottom of a pint glass.

Once inside, the first thing he saw was an unmistakable figure at the bar. It was Richard. Sitting alone and tapping at his mobile phone, half drunk orange juice in front of him. Hoping to creep out unnoticed, John was rumbled as Richard looked up, waving at him and gesturing for him to come over. Inwardly cursing himself, John moved towards Richard, outstretching his arm as he got nearer. Richard shook his hand.

'Hi John, what brings you here?'

'Erm, well I always drive by this pub, always thought it might be worth a go and tonight is the night I have decided to take the plunge.'

Richard laughed at John's comment. 'Well it's a great place. I'm waiting for my best man and a couple of the ushers to turn up. Turns out they are stuck in traffic on the M6.'

John looked at his watch. 'Yeah, well it is rush hour I suppose.'

'Would you like to join me, keep me company until they arrive?'

'Oh, I don't know,' John screwed up his face.

'Come on, what's your poison?' Richard insisted, standing up and taking his wallet from his back pocket.

Poison? Where were they? In a Wild West movie? John kept his thoughts to himself as he looked at what lagers were available on draft. Noticing Richard's non alcoholic stance, John got the better of his demons when a few moments earlier it had seemed they would get the better of him.

'I'll have a Coke, please.'

Standing awkwardly as Richard ordered, John stared at him intently. This was the man Anna had passed him over for. He was good looking, that was a given. Blonde hair, piercing blue eyes and a chiselled jaw that clenched as he was searching for the change for John's drink. He was John's polar opposite. Perhaps that was why Anna had gone for him, John thought to himself with a smile.

'I'll be honest,' Richard began as he passed John's drink to him. They both sat side by side at the bar. 'I am so nervous about tomorrow.'

'It's to be expected.'

John really didn't want to be giving advice to the man who was about to marry the love of John's life on the eve of the wedding, but he had to respect Anna's wishes. Falling out with Richard would only damage the relationship he and Anna had forged recently. If he could only be with Anna in the capacity of friends then John would do everything within his power to preserve their friendship.

'She is so perfect.'

'She is,' John agreed before taking a sip of his drink.

'She has a beautiful soul, she is a wonderful mother. So gentle. I keep waiting for someone to tell me it's all a dream. What did I do to deserve her?'

John looked at Richard as he spoke about Anna, he was so animated, so alive. The man was clearly head over heels for her. John knew Richard would do anything for Anna. He was reliable, solid and a good man. He didn't deserve what John was asking of Anna. What she had said to him earlier and the other night was right. John had his chance with Anna, and he blew it. It was Richard's turn now.

'Even after ten years together I still ask myself that question. Even now.' John looked over and met Richard's gaze. 'I don't want to lie to you Richard. Even though she is my ex wife, I do still love her. She is the mother of my children. And I want what's best for her.'

'I understand that,' Richard nodded.

'She loves you, and what I would say to you is don't question it. Take it for what it is. Because believe me, you'll regret it if you lose her.'

Before Richard had a chance to come back in response to John's remark, a group of men came bursting through the pub doors.

'Richard, we've made it.' One of the men shouted as they approached.

'Hi guys.' Richard was smiling broadly before turning his attentions back to John who was busy drinking his Coke at breakneck speed.

'I'll leave you to it,' John raised his eyebrows at Richard.

'Don't leave on our account mate,' one of the men said. 'Join us.'

'It's alright,' John refused, zipping up his coat as Richard extracted himself from the group to bid John goodnight.

'I know this must be difficult, John. You do know that I'll never do anything to hurt Anna.'

'I'm glad,' John looked up, a grin across his lips. 'Because if you do you'll have me to answer to.'

Richard chuckled softly. 'Fair enough.'

As they shook hands, their gaze met. John's face turned decidedly more serious. 'Good luck for tomorrow.'

'Thank you.'

Relinquishing contact with his hand, John walked away before looking back over his shoulder at Richard. 'Take good care of her.'

'I will.'


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N- Thanks for the reviews, I have been blown away by everybody's response to this story. Cheers. :)**

**Disclaimer-** Same as chapters 1-10.

* * *

Staring at the mug in front of him, John lost himself in his thoughts as steam floated from the surface of the coffee he had poured. He heard the clock ticking gently on the wall behind him, in time with the beat of his heart. Although having left the pub the previous evening believing he should let Anna and Richard be, the cold light of day left him feeling entirely different.

In a few short hours Anna Smith would become Anna McIntyre. It just wasn't right. He was being selfish, but John could honestly say he didn't care. He wanted to make Anna understand. John knew this situation was all his fault but he had lost his way once he had returned from his deployment. In that second, he knew he had to get to the registry office. To at least try once more to make Anna see sense. She still loved him, more than she could ever love Richard. She had admitted as much.

John would always regret it if he gave up.

* * *

'What a wonderful man that Richard is,' Elizabeth announced as she stared at the pair of gleaming Bentley's waiting outside to escort Anna, the children, Elizabeth and Gwen to the church. Anna had no idea he had arranged such a thing, completely blown away as a fully dressed chauffeur turned up at her door. She was expecting a couple of Richard's colleagues in their smart enough BMW's to take them the short distance to the registry office.

Despite all the effort he had gone to, Anna's mind was full of doubts about Richard. Ever since she had seen John the previous day. If she was honest to herself, she had been aching for his touch since the evening they had shared a week ago. The guilt she had originally felt had all but evaporated, all she could think about was John. Yet, things had come too far now. Not only was she finding it hard to see how she could ever forgive John for the hurt he had put her through, it was too late to back out now. Looking at the clock on her bedroom wall, Richard would already be at the registry office. Anna had to do the right thing.

Elizabeth had gone on ahead to with her grandchildren, Anna asking Gwen if she would accompany her to the registry office. Anna had requested Elizabeth walk her down the aisle, yet she had asked her mother to take her sons on ahead with their sister as they were becoming restless with all the waiting around at the house. Plus, Dylan and Oscar were already eyeing up the buffet that had been laid out in the kitchen downstairs for the guests after the ceremony. Only thirty or so people had been invited, Anna had insisted on nothing too fancy and that was fine by her fiancé.

'Knock knock.' Anna looked up to see Gwen enter, a smile on her face as she took in the sight of the bride to be. 'You look absolutely stunning, Anna.'

She was wearing a simple knee length, strapless, white dress, her hair was left down and curled. Small white flowers were dotted here and there around her hair, keeping in line with the simplicity she had requested of the second wedding day she never thought she would be having.

'Thank you,' Anna smiled weakly before looking away from her friend, her happy expression instantly disappearing.

'Anna, what is it?' Gwen stepped inside the room. 'It's just us, your Mum has just left with the kids.'

'Oh, I don't know,' Anna exclaimed, standing and walking over to stare out of the window.

'It's John, isn't it? He messed with your mind didn't he? When he spoke to you yesterday? God, I could kill him...'

'The thing is Gwen, he's right.' Anna interrupted, staring into the distance beyond her back garden. 'I do still love him, more than I have ever loved Richard.'

'But Richard would never hurt you, he's a good bloke. I can't believe you'd even consider dumping him to go back with John.'

'I'm not getting back with John,' Anna pinched the bridge of her nose, closing her eyes. 'Even if I do call off the wedding. I'm not getting back with John. I can't.'

'If you ask me, you should go ahead with the wedding. Even if you don't love him in the same way you loved John, you do love Richard.'

'I do love him, really I do. He's been my saviour these past few months.'

'There you go then,' Gwen replied, stepping closer to her friend and placing her hands on Anna's shoulders. 'He's dependable, great with the kids and they love him too. You could either have a life alone, or share it with someone who is going to treat you like you are the only woman in the world until the day he dies. I know which I'd choose.'

Anna contemplated Gwen's words for a moment. She was right. Life with Richard wasn't such a terrible proposition. She had already accepted it wouldn't have the same passion as her marriage to John, but perhaps that was a good thing. To break free and live a completely different life. She had three other people to consider this time around. The future wasn't bleak, nor would it be exciting, but it would be comfortable. And she owed that to her children.

'Let's get going, shall we?'

* * *

John watched from across the road to the registry office, his children and their Nan had arrived ten minutes or so previously. His lips had been upturned into a smile ever since he had seen them, the boys in grey suits and yellow ties, Summer in her frilly yellow dress. They really were perfect, the pride he felt whenever he saw them knew no bounds. The fact he had some involvement in their upbringing left him at a loss. How he could have helped create something so perfect was beyond him.

Then she appeared. Anna and Gwen walked the path towards Elizabeth and the children arm in arm, the boys immediately running up to their mother and giving her a hug. John's heart swelled with love as he took in the sight before him. Anna looked breathtaking. This was it. He had to make his move now. Once Anna was in the building, there would be no turning back. If he could just engineer a few moments alone with her now, John was sure he could break her, make her come to her senses. Opening the car door, John got out and after gently closing the door behind him, made his way over towards the registry office.

Oscar saw him first, running towards John as soon as he recognised him. The others turned to see him, Dylan instantly following his brother to embrace their father.

'Daddy,' Oscar squealed as John bent down to take them both into his arms.

'Hello boys,' John said softly, dying to look up and see Anna's expression.

'What's he doing here?' Elizabeth hissed as she, Anna and Gwen began to walk in the direction Dylan and Oscar had just run.

'John, just go.' Gwen requested politely. 'You shouldn't be here.'

'No, you shouldn't,' Elizabeth agreed, struggling to contain Summer, excited at seeing her Dad.

'Please, I just want a moment alone with Anna,' John replied, meeting Anna's gaze. 'If she'll let me.'

'She's about to get married,' Gwen pointed out, gesturing in the direction of the entrance to the registry office. 'Her fiancé is waiting inside.'

Anna had remained silent, trying to get her head around John being there. Elizabeth had been watching, her daughters expression indicating to her that everything was not alright with Anna.

'Do you want to talk to John, Anna?' Elizabeth asked suddenly, shaking Anna from her reverie.

'Erm...'

'Me and Gwen will take the kids inside,' Elizabeth suggested, shifting Summer from one arm to the other. 'I'll tell Richard you won't be long if you'd like.'

Moving her eyes away from John to look at her mother, understanding etched all over Elizabeth's face, Anna nodded. 'Yes please.'

John's sigh of relief was audible as Gwen shook her head in response to her friends decision. 'Don't let him confuse you, Anna.'

'Come on Gwen, boys,' Elizabeth said softly, leading them away and leaving Anna and John alone in the gardens outside the registry office. John noticed a bench a few feet away.

'Shall we sit?'

'I'll get my dress dirty,' Anna replied, shaking her head. John shrugged his jacket off his shoulders, laying it down on the bench.

'Here, please sit.'

Exhaling deeply, Anna sat down upon John's jacket, watching his every move as he joined her.

'What's this all about, John?' Anna began, her voice breaking slightly. 'I thought we said all we had to yesterday.'

'I just knew I wouldn't forgive myself if I didn't speak to you once more, try to make you see...'

'Try to make me see what, John?' Anna interrupted, her voice raised slightly startling John a little. 'That we belong together, that I shouldn't marry Richard?'

'You know that we belong together Anna. Otherwise, why would you be having these doubts?'

Anna let out a cynical laugh. 'Someone's very sure of themselves.'

Choosing to ignore her remark, John continued with what he had to say. 'Please give me another chance, Anna. I need you, I've needed you since I first saw you walk through into that pub all those years ago.'

'John, please don't do this. You aren't being fair...'

'I lost my way, and I'll always hate myself for the manner in which I treated you. But I never stopped loving you. How could I when it comes as naturally as breathing to me?'

Stopping then, John looked down at Anna as she turned her head to look at him. 'Why must you do this? Make this so hard.'

'Anna, I am only being honest, I love you.'

'John, please just go...'

'Anna...'

'Just go, John.' Anna was nearly crying now, her emotions becoming to hard to hold in so John relented. The last thing he wanted to do was make Anna upset.

'Alright Anna, I will go. But will you do one thing for me?' Meeting Anna's eyes with his own, she indicated for him to continue. 'If my admitting my feelings makes the whole situation so hard, should you really be marrying Richard? Surely if I don't matter, and you love him like you say you do, marrying Richard should be easy for you?'

And there it was. John had hammered home what had been plaguing Anna's mind for the past week in a few words. Anna did love Richard, but John's articulacy had made her see not enough to become his wife. With one last smile, John stood, Anna mirroring his actions.

'Listen to your heart. Anna.' John advised as he put his hands in his pockes. 'At the end of the day, it is the only part of us that will always speak the truth.'

Looking beyond Anna over her shoulder, John saw Elizabeth appear at the entrance to the registry office.

'Anna,' she called, arms folded and her face full of concern. 'Are you ready?'

'You really do look flawless today,' John grinned down at Anna. 'Richard's a very lucky man.'

With these words, John walked away and back towards his car. Anna didn't turn away. watching him as he got inside his car and disappeared down the street. His words were echoing around her mind as Elizabeth came to stand beside her daughter. Closing her eyes as she felt her mothers arm around her shoulders, Anna knew what she had to do.

'You still love John, don't you?'

Biting her lip before replying, Anna dreaded her mother's response already. 'Yes.'

'Do you love Richard?'

'I do, really I do.' Anna insisted, trying to convince herself this was the truth. Anna's emotions overtook her now as the tears began to escape her eyes. 'I'm just not sure I love him enough to marry him, Mum. I'm so sorry.'

'Sssh,' Elizabeth whispered, pulling Anna into her arms. 'There's no need to be sorry, my darling. I just want you to be happy. And if that's with John then...'

'I don't want to get back together with John. He hurt me so much, I'm not sure I could ever forgive him.'

'But you don't want Richard either?'

'No. I don't think so.'

'You need to decide, Anna. Forever is a long time to be married to the wrong person.'

'Anna, what is going on?'

Elizabeth and Anna looked over their shoulders to see Richard appear, looking completely flustered. Anna breathed in deeply before Elizabeth left them alone.

'Dylan told me John was here?' Richard continued, watching Elizabeth as she went inside before his eyes zeroed in on Anna. His voice was breathless as he looked at her from head to toe. 'You look so beautiful.'

Anna held her hand out to Richard, smiling slightly. 'Come and sit with me.'

'You've been crying,' Richard observed, taking Anna's hand and following her to the bench she had just occupied with John.

'You are such a wonderful man. So kind, so sweet.'

'Anna, what is this?'

Looking down at the floor, Anna squeezed Richard's hand. She closed her eyes, inhaled deeply and gathered the courage to say the next words that would shatter the world of the man sat beside her.

'I can't marry you, Richard.'

* * *

He was shattered, it broke Anna's heart to see Richard like that. It broke her heart even more as he continued to be as chivalrous as he always was. He started by suggesting their simply postpone the wedding. Give themselves more time to get to know one another. Anna refused, stating she could never see herself loving Richard enough to marry him.

Elizabeth made the announcement to the gathered guests, Anna staying in the shadows as everyone left the registry office. Richard's best man and ushers lead him away, clearly devastated yet shouting anyone down who said anything against Anna. She so wished she could love Richard in the way he loved her, life would be so much easier.

Now evening had fallen, Elizabeth and Gwen had left Anna alone with her sleeping children upstairs. This was her life now. The three of them. Alone. Walking to the huge bay windows at the front of the living room that looked onto the street outside, Anna watched intently as the rain that had been falling incessantly all afternoon fell down the panes.

Before too long, completely lost in her thoughts Anna saw a familiar figure walking down the street. Anna furrowed her brow as John arrived at the bottom of the garden path, soaking wet and obviously on his way to see her. How did he even know she hadn't gone through with the wedding? Moving from the front room, Anna opened the door before John even had a chance to ring the doorbell.

'What are you doing here?' Anna hissed as John reached the door.

'Can I come in? I'm absolutely freezing.'

Anna stepped aside to allow John inside. 'Go in there, I'll grab you a towel.'

John did as he was instructed, walking into the living room, rubbing his hands together to try and circulate some heat around his cold body. It wasn't too long until Anna had returned, towel in hand.

'What do you want, John?'

'I heard what happened. Earlier.' John took the towel from Anna before rubbing it over his hair.

'How on earth did you find out?'

'Someone in my building was invited by Richard. I asked them why they were back so early and they told me the bride had called the whole thing off.'

'Well, there's no need to sound so chipper about it,' Anna replied, folding her arms as she met John's eyes. 'And that brings you here, why?'

'Can I make you a tea?' John asked, passing Anna and walking into the kitchen. Anna sighed, rolled her eyes and followed John. She watched as John fumbled his way around the kitchen, towel in one hand, his other opening cupboard doors looking for cups.

'Third from the left,' Anna finally gave in, sitting down at the table.

'Bingo,' John chirped, taking two cups down from the cupboard. He went about making the tea in silence before Anna finally spoke.

'Why are you here, John?'

Turning slowly, John leant back against the counter. 'Are you alright?'

'No.' Anna replied truthfully. 'But what happened is for the best.'

John nodded before a hint of a smile spread across his lips. 'You really did look beautiful earlier.'

'John...' Anna sighed, looking away from him.

'What? You did.'

He continued to make them a cup of tea before joining Anna at the table. 'There we go, milk no sugar.'

'Thank you.' Anna took the mug from John before taking a sip of the steaming hot liquid. 'Why are you here, John? You never did answer me.'

Looking at Anna, John drank some of his tea before answering her. 'I'm here to ask you out for dinner.'

'You what?' Anna could scarcely believe what she was hearing. Slamming her cup down on the table, Anna stood up and moved to lean against the kitchen counter. 'You've really got a nerve.'

'But Anna, I thought...'

'That's just it John. You don't think. Only about yourself.'

'Anna, you said...'

'I didn't say anything,' Anna cut John off mid sentence, almost yelling at him as he looked at her, bewilderment apparent across his features.

'I thought you loved me...'

'God, John.' Anna clenched her fists in frustration, banging them against the counter. 'I do love you, but that doesn't mean I'm about to let you come home and play happy families.'

'But Anna...'

'No John. What is it going to take to make you realise I can't just forget about what happened. You made me see that I didn't love Richard enough to marry him. That is why I called off the wedding. Not because it would [ave the way for us to get back together.'

'Anna, please,' John pleaded, rising to his feet and moving towards her. 'I will spend my life making this up to you.'

'I can't forgive you John. For how you made me feel. I just can't.'

'Try. Please.' John's voice was breaking, raw with emotion as he took Anna's hands in his own. 'I can't change what happened but please don't punish us both by not letting happen what we both know should. We belong together, Anna. Deep down, you know it as well as I do.'

'Leave John. Please. Just leave me alone.'

'Anna.'

'Just go,' Anna exclaimed, snatching her hands away from John.

Leaving him with no choice, Anna watched as John disappeared down the hall and out into the rain filled night. It was harder to watch him go, then it would have been for her to relent. But she couldn't just forget what happened. She just couldn't.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N- Not many chapters to go now. Thanks for all your reviews. **

**Disclaimer-**_ Same as the other chapters..._

* * *

Anna sighed as she picked up the letters on her doormat, the boys running past her having just been collected by their Mum from after school club. Summer wriggled uncomfortably as Anna stood back up before following the boys into the living room. She stopped as she looked at the mess before her. Summer's toys sprawled on the floor, a result of mother and daughter having a fun filled afternoon before setting out to collect the boys. Oscar was kicking his shoes off onto the floor before settling down on the end of the sofa, clearly tired after a long day at school. She smiled as Dylan took control of the remote, not giving his brother the option. Shaking her head, a slight smile on her lips, Anna realised how lucky she was. Her kids were healthy, happy and they lit up her world in ways she could never describe.

'Mummy, can we watch some TV?' Dylan asked as he stood beside the television, pressing the standby button.

Placing Summer down on the floor, surrounded by her toys, Anna began to flick through the envelopes in her hands. She hadn't heard her son's question, too engrossed in one letter that was handwritten.

'Mummy,' Dylan called impatiently.

'What?' Anna replied, turning the envelope over in her hand and opening it.

'Can we watch our programme?'

'Haven't you got any homework?' Anna's question was met by a chorus of groans from both Dylan and Oscar. 'Alright, half an hour. Then homework. Spellings today is it?'

Dylan turned on the television instantly before joining his brother on the sofa. Anna sat in the armchair behind Summer, pulling the letter from it's envelope. It was from Richard. Looking over at her sons, both of them engrossed in the screen then down at Summer who was happy with her toy laptop, Anna continued to read the letter.

_'Dear Anna,_

_I hope you are well and that life has settled down for you. You may have noticed my absence from the office recently. I have permanently transferred to the Seattle office. I needed a clean break, this opportunity came up and I grabbed it with both hands. Please know that I am happy with this change in my life, and that I bear you no ill feeling with how things materialised. Marrying someone you don't love would have been a mistake, I thank you for your honesty. _

_I wish you all the very best for the future, wherever it may lead you. _

_All my love,_

_Richard.' _

Leaning back in the chair, Anna took a deep breath. She had noticed Richard hadn't been around, but the news he had moved half way across the world had come as a bit of a shock. Anna just thought he was spending more time in the Manchester office.

'Mummy, is Daddy still babysitting tonight?' Oscar asked.

'Erm, yes,' Anna answered, still trying to get her head around the news she had just received. 'Mummy is going out for dinner with Aunty Gwen and Nanny.'

'Daddy won't make us do our homework,' Dylan remarked, looking at Anna briefly before turning his attentions back to the TV.

Anna smirked. 'Is that so? Maybe I'll have to have a little word with your father.'

She didn't regret her decision for second even though the past few weeks had been tough for Anna, adjusting to her single life once more. It would have been easy to have given in to John. To have allowed him back into her life as more than the father of her children. Anna missed him, that much was for sure. But she had stood firm, although it had taken all the resolve she could muster. Relations between herself and John had been frosty to begin with. It soon became clear to John that Anna wasn't going to change her mind, not yet anyway. He refused to give up hope, he believed she just needed time. Time to realise he was right and willing to do anything to make it up to her. However, if the only way he could be with Anna was to be friends, then John would be her friend. A late night conversation had convinced Anna of as much, John promising to back off. And he had ever since. The arrangement John had for looking after the kids remained in tact, except for tonight where he was looking after the kids on a weeknight. Gwen was going away with work for a week, and had insisted on a night out with Anna and her mother to say goodbye.

'Oh Dyl, I brought down that box of photo's for you.' Anna sat forward and pulled the cardboard box that was sitting beside her armchair to the middle of the floor, careful to not disturb Summer. 'What's it for?'

'I've got to do a project book all about my family.' Dylan explained. 'Boring really.'

'Well, maybe Daddy can help you later with it.'

'But Mum,' Dylan moaned as Anna picked up Summer in her arms before the little one managed to climb on top of the coffee table. 'It doesn't need to be in until next week.'

'Did I hear someone not doing as their mother is asking?'

Everyone turned around to see John standing in the doorway, keys in hand, the boys immediately leaping from the sofa and greeting their father.

'Yes, that would be your eldest son,' Anna replied, walking towards John and passing Summer to him. 'I'm off to get ready for dinner. They'll need feeding, the boys need to do their homework and they're all yours.'

* * *

Half way down the stairs, an hour or so later, Anna furrowed her brow as she was met with quiet. Reaching the bottom step, Anna craned her neck to look into the dining room. Summer was sitting contently in her high chair, playing with John's car keys, Dylan was carefully cutting something out and John was helping Oscar with his spellings.

'Okay, try this one Ossy,' John said encouragingly as Anna moved into the hallway and took a few steps closer, so she could hear the conversation.

'Juhhh, uuuhh, mmm, puh... Jump. It says jump, Daddy.'

'Fantastic Oscar,' John was genuinely thrilled as his son got yet another spelling correct. An on looking Anna couldn't keep the smile from her face. John really was a natural father. The joy in his face as Oscar sounded out his spelling correctly tugged at Anna's heart a little bit. This is how life should be every evening, not just once every few weeks. The fact that all she had to do was say the word and John would be home was playing heavily on her mind as she continued to watch. 'That's eight out of ten. Good job, mate.'

'I still got two wrong,' Oscar folded his arms and sat back against the chair.

'Don't worry about it, son. Your old Dad used to be rubbish at his spellings, he wouldn't have been able to get eight out of ten.'

Reasonably satisfied with his Dad's response, Oscar pushed his spellings book away and reached for some of the photo's Dylan was looking at.

'Why did you do copies of the photo's, Dad?' Dylan asked.

'Well, photographs are precious, aren't they?' John replied, collecting up some of the originals before they felt the wrath of Dylan's erratic scissor control. 'Especially when they are of someone as beautiful as your Mummy.'

Bowing her head and inhaling deeply, Anna smiled slightly to herself at John's compliment.

'What's your project about anyway?' John took the paper that explained Dylan's homework in his hand and began to read.

'We've just got to write about our families,' Dylan shrugged. 'Who we live with. I've had to do an extra page because you don't live with us.'

'Yeah, well,' John turned to look at Summer who was busy chewing on a key ring. 'That's alright. Just means you've got two homes. That's pretty cool, isn't it?'

'I'd still like you to live with us, again.' Dylan replied. 'Will you ever live with us again, Daddy?'

'Errr, well...'

Of course the boys were going to ask questions like the one Dylan had just posed. Anna usually responded with an 'I don't know' or 'not at the moment.' She had never seen John have to answer the question and she could see he needed assistance, the blank expression on his face showing her that much.

'Well, well, well, what do we have in here?' Anna felt this was the right time to interrupt proceedings, stepping into the dining room. 'Two cheeky little boys doing their homework?'

'I got eight out of ten on my spellings, Mummy.'

'I know, I heard. Well done, Oscar,' Anna smiled before moving to lean over Dylan. 'Are these the pictures you've chosen then Dyl?'

'Yeah, I did scans of them on the computer, I hope you don't mind.' John explained, looking up at Anna. She could never understand it, how John had a way of looking at her like she was the only woman ever to exist. How his eyes always looked so sincere when Anna was the focus of his attentions. 'Dylan's nearly finished, haven't you mate?'

'Yep,' Dylan said as picked up all his paper cuttings. 'Just got to stick these.'

'Well there's a bath run for the two of you. Perhaps Summer could join you both. If Daddy was feeling adventurous.' Anna's text alert went off, she reaching inside her bag for her phone. 'Gwen's on her way. I won't be late.'

'Don't worry about that, just have a good night.' John allowed a smirk to drift over his lips, his eyes glancing over every inch of Anna. She suddenly felt very warm, despite concentrating on composing a reply to Gwen's text message, Anna knew John was watching her. Her heart was beating quickly, her mouth was dry. Attempts to say anything at the moment futile as she looked up to meet John's gaze. 'You look beautiful this evening.'

She nodded to acknowledge his remark, placing her mobile phone back in her bag. Anna was relieved it was her children witnessing this moment, rather than Gwen or her mother. Dylan and Oscar were arguing over a picture, this moment between their parents completely going over their heads. Suddenly, a car horn outside interrupted the silent link between Anna and John.

'That will be your lift. Come on boys, bath time.' John stood up, pushing his dining chair back under the table before moving to free Summer from her highchair. Anna watched her sons happily run off ahead of their father, John stopping as he reached the door to look at Anna over his shoulder. 'Enjoy your evening.'

* * *

'Can you just give us five more minutes?' Gwen asked the waiter politely as he placed their drinks on the table.

'Of course madam, take all the time you need.'

'Are you alright, Anna?' Elizabeth asked, peering over her menu as the waiter walked away. 'You've been quiet ever since we picked you up.'

'Yeah, I'm fine,' Anna replied, Gwen and Elizabeth not convinced by her answer. She looked at them both, their gazes upon her, eyebrows raised sceptically. She was thinking about John however knew what chaos this revelation would create. An argument from Gwen about how John was the lowest of the low and how badly Anna had treated Richard. Her mother would stick up for Anna before questioning the timing of her telling Richard and whether rekindling her romance with John was the best path forward. So, to avoid this she instead decided to share the news she had received before John arrived. 'Richard's moved to Seattle.'

'Wow, you must have really hurt him.'

'Yes, thank you, Gwen.' Anna snapped, looking at her menu once more before throwing it on the table. Resting her elbows on the table, Anna held her head in her hands. 'Did I do the right thing?'

'Elbows darling,' Elizabeth warned her daughter.

'No you didn't,' Gwen said in response to Anna's question. 'He adored you. I think you should have married him. Don't you agree, Liz?'

'I don't actually,' Elizabeth shook her head. 'It would have been foolish for Anna to marry a man she didn't love enough to be his wife. It would have been better if she had realised sooner than ten minutes before the ceremony but that's neither here nor there.'

'Mum,' Anna groaned, her prediction coming true. 'I thought I did want to marry him.'

'Until you spoke to John,' Gwen interrupted. 'He's the one that talked you out of it, for his own selfish gains...'

'No, he made me see sense.' Anna said, defending John's motives. 'Despite what you think Gwen, he's always had my best interests at heart.'

'Surely you wouldn't have liked to see your best friend marry someone she didn't love?' Elizabeth asked Gwen.

'Well, no,' Gwen sighed, folding her arms. 'I suppose not. I just don't want to see you get hurt again.'

'I know, and I'll always be grateful to you for that,' Anna reached across the table and placed her hand over the top of Gwen's. 'But I'm a big girl.'

'How are the kids?' Elizabeth asked, trying to change the subject.

'Fine,' Anna smiled. 'I left the boys having just done their homework with John, Summer in her highchair making a meal out of his keys. He's a good Dad. So encouraging.'

'He is,' Elizabeth agreed. 'Just don't let that cloud your judgement.'

'What are you talking about?' Anna asked, a puzzled look etched across her face as the waiter approached their table.

'Are you ready to order now?' the gentleman asked.

'Yes, I'll have the...'

'Can you give us five more minutes, please?' Anna interrupted Gwen, her eyes focused solely on her mother.

'Certainly,' the waiter answered politely, backing away from the table.

'What do you mean, don't let John being a good father cloud my judgement?'

'Darling, I am simply looking out for your wellbeing.' Elizabeth explained. 'You still love John, you said as much. It can be tough being a single mother, especially with three little ones. Feeling pressured, you might make an ill advised decision.'

'Mum, I have been managing for over a year now.'

'I know darling, and a fine job you have done as well.'

'But you didn't know John was in love with you then.' Gwen pointed out. 'One word from you and he'll be back.'

'Yes. But what if, what if...'

'What if you wanted him back?' Elizabeth offered.

Averting her eyes from her mother's, Anna looked down at the table. 'Oh, I don't know. Would it be such a terrible thing for us to have another go? If we took things slowly. We love each other. He's promised me he's going to make it up to me.'

'Anna, remember how he made you feel.' Gwen began. 'All those late nights we spent together, you were devastated. He made you feel worthless, like you were nothing. Can you really forgive that? I mean wholeheartedly?'

Losing herself in her thoughts once again, Anna leant back against her chair. John had hurt her, she couldn't deny that. Yet, he was the only man she had ever loved, the father of her children. The way he looked at her, no man had ever or could ever make her feel the way she did when she was under John's intense gaze. Like she had been earlier in the evening. Anna hadn't felt so alive in such a long time.

He'd been so lost when he arrived home. Despite all this, whether he was of sound mind or not, John had treated Anna appallingly. All Anna had wanted to do was help him. John shut her out. One of the things they had promised each other from the beginning of their relationship they would never do. Theirs was a marriage built on openness and trust, something John had seemingly forgotten. Anna just couldn't overlook that. And if she couldn't forget, Anna wasn't so sure she could forgive either.

'Are we ready now, ladies?' The waiter appeared again, notepad in hand.

'No, I don't think I am.' Anna said suddenly, to be met with looks of bewilderment by Gwen and Elizabeth, and a sigh from the waiter.

'Anna, is everything okay?' Gwen asked.

'Yes, yes...' Anna laughed awkwardly before looking up at the waiter, his patience almost drifting away. 'I've just come to a decision.'

'About the food I hope?'

'Oh, the food.' Anna turned her eyes towards the menu.

'Yes madam, that is why most people visit our restaurant.' The waiter moved away again.

Anna raised her eyebrows as she watched the waiter. 'Someone's not getting a tip.'

* * *

With the children fast asleep in bed, John used the time alone waiting for Anna to return by looking through the photo's that had been left for Dylan's project. Each individual photograph evoked different memories within John. He had found an album of the first holiday he and Anna had shared.

It was only a few days in Whitley Bay, John's job meaning he could only be spared for a little while. At the end of their break, he was to go on his second tour of Iraq. They had only been dating for a couple of months, yet John had felt confident enough to tell Anna on their last evening together that she would be his wife one day. John sat back and smiled as he remembered how Anna had responded with the words, 'I'll hold you to that.'

He proposed the moment he returned home.

John heard the sound of the front door opening, looking over his shoulder as Anna appeared in the doorway. Shutting the photo album in his hands, he dropped it back in the box and sat forward.

'The kids behaved?' Anna moved into the living room, placing her handbag on the coffee table.

'They did, straight to bed after their baths.'

Anna eyed the box beside John. 'Been taking a trip down memory lane?'

Looking down, John realised Anna had seen the photographs. 'Yeah, do you mind if I take some back to the flat?'

'Not at all,' Anna replied, the resolve she had built whilst thinking about John in the restaurant earlier almost completely dispelling now she was back in his presence. 'Any in particular?'

'Well, I was looking at this one.' Reaching in the box, John pulled out a green coloured album. Opening the cover, he revealed a picture taken of one of their first few dates, at one of the raves Anna used to like attending. Both were in hi visibility clothing, John was wearing clothes not too dissimilar to the uniform a road worker would wear. 'The things I did for you.'

'You loved it,' Anna giggled, sitting next to John and taking the album from him. Her giggles soon turning into full blown laughter as she leant back against the sofa. John wondered what Anna had suddenly found so amusing. 'Do you remember our very first date?'

'God, how could I forget?' Finding himself laughing heartily now as well, John moved so he was sitting back next to Anna. 'They were my smart jeans, in my defence.'

'John, they had a hole in the knee.'

'But to not let us into the party, that was just plain unfair.' John argued his corner, Anna looking at him as if she was about to burst out laughing all over again, index finger stroking over her lips as if to stifle her laughter. 'The film was good though, eh?'

'Shrek,' Anna nodded, amusement still evident in her tone.

'What? The only other film that wasn't sold out was Hannibal. Hardly romantic.'

'And Shrek is?'

'Ogre's deserve love too, Anna.' John's face was deadpan as he met Anna's gaze. Eye contact led to them both erupting in laughter once more. 'What about the Italian I chose? Good choice?'

'Pizza Hut. Italian is a stretch.'

'Come on, be fair. I was a private in the army on a budget.'

'No, you treated me very well.' Anna replied, stroking John on the arm. 'I was very lucky.'

'And then, dancing in the street to finish the night off.' He stared straight ahead, exhaling deeply.

'Only because we couldn't get in the party.'

'Come on, we did discover our song that night.' John remembered.

'It Wasn't Me by Shaggy?' Anna was laughing again as she recalled John dancing in the middle of the pavement in a way a man of his age really shouldn't.

'No, remember. The last dance. Hero. Romantic wasn't it?'

'Oh yes,' Anna's voice turned slightly softer as she remembered how John took her in his arms, convincing her to dance with him as the sounds of Enrique Iglesias spilled out onto the street where they were standing. 'Because you were my hero.'

Both turned their heads in unison, meeting each other's gaze. Anna's heartbeat was thundering in her ears, John moving towards her causing her to lose coherent thought for a moment. All she could see, hear and smell was John. Suddenly, she remembered her conversation in the restaurant with Gwen and Elizabeth, the realisation she had come to. And in the next moment, she could feel herself turning her head away.

'John.'

She felt his breath hot against her ear, she could almost feel his heart beating he was that close to her. His hand was strong on her upper arm, possessive yet reassuring. Her heart was screaming to Anna to let this continue, her head was reminding her how hurt John had left her feeling all those months ago. Over a year ago now. Her head won out, reaching for John's hand and gently removing it from her arm.

'Anna, I...'

'I can't do this.' Anna breathed, moving away to generate some space between herself and John. Some breathing space.

'This can't keep happening, Anna.' John sighed, running a hand through his hair. 'You must feel something, you must want this.'

'I just can't forget...'

'You can't forget how I made you feel when I left you.' John interrupted, sitting forward and resting his elbows on his knees. 'What can I do Anna other than say I'm sorry? I can't rewind the clock because if I could, I would change what happened in a heartbeat.'

'I know you would, really I do.'

'Do you know something?' John began, looking back at Anna. He could feel the bitter sting of tears at the back of his eyes as he breathed Anna in. What he had lost. What he probably would never have again. And it hurt.

'What's that?' Anna said softly, leaning forward so she was sitting beside him as he spoke.

'I kept saying to you how I wasn't the same man when I came home. Well, now time has passed and I am still not the same man. But not because of what I experienced or what I saw. That's not the reason anymore. I am not the same man because you are no longer my wife. And I know I made this happen, I know I broke your heart but without your love how could I be the same person? I'm half the man I was.'

'I'm just not sure things could ever be the same again between us.' Anna's response was as honest as much as it was painful for John to hear. Seeing the despair now obvious in his eyes, Anna searched her heart to give John something to cling on to. 'Not straight away anyway.'

'So let's take things slowly, then?' John suggested, Anna's words lifting his spirits ever so slightly. 'Really slowly.'

'John, I don't know...'

'Come on, Anna.' He had somehow found himself on his knees before her, his hands clasped around hers. 'Let me take you out to dinner.'

'I'll think about it,' Anna replied, smiling weakly. John's face dropped. 'Really, I will. But right now I think you should go home.'

'Anna.'

Anna stood up, backing away from John and freeing her hands from his grasp. 'I'll see you on Saturday when you come and get Summer?'

He had to admit defeat.

'Yep, alright.' Getting up off the sofa, John stood still in front of Anna for a moment, eyes locked on each other. Breaking the hold her stare had on him, John looked towards the door. 'I'll show myself out. Goodnight Anna.'

'Good night, John.'


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N- I've waffled on a bit, this chapter is 17 pages of Word long. It's a bit lighter, a bit more fun in the same vein of OOML. I hope you enjoy. **

**Disclaimer:** _Same as chapters 1-12. _

* * *

'What is wrong with you?'

Robert sat opposite his friend at his kitchen table, John resting his head on his arms, sighing intermittently, letting out a groan every so often.

'She's never going to realise, is she?' John said suddenly, sitting up in his chair.

'Who isn't, and realise what?'

'Anna. Realise she wants me back.'

'Oh, that' Robert rolled his eyes.

He had been John's sounding board and main source of advice for the past few weeks. Anna still hadn't agreed to go on a date with John like he had suggested that night. John had accepted even if Anna did let him back into her life, it may not be as her husband straight away again. He felt embarrassed to think she would have done. It would take time.

'As I said, you need to woo her.' Robert explained, leaning forward on the table. 'Gifts, romantic messages...'

'Yeah, well the flowers didn't exactly work did they?' John argued, moving back to his position of resting his head on his arms. 'I never bought her flowers when we were married. She never liked them.'

'What about cooking her dinner?'

'How can I? She keeps refusing my offers of a date. I've got to think outside the box, think of something different to win her back.'

Sighing, Robert remembered something he had done for John a few days previously. Walking to the kitchen counter, he opened a drawer and pulled out a CD.

'Music?'

'Bravo Sherlock,' Robert threw down the disc in front of him. 'Have you heard of a band called Hoobastank?'

'Erm... no.'

'This song was on the radio the other day and it describes your situation perfectly.'

'And this will help me win Anna back how?' John took the CD in his hands, staring at it intently.

'It wont. You've got to work out how to do that on your own.' Robert walked to the kitchen door. 'I've heard that women love a good ballad though. You could sing for her.'

'With a voice like mine, it would kill all my chances.'

'Have you tried Google? They usually have some nice romantic ideas.' Robert explained, leaning on the door frame.

'Really?'

'Yeah. On our anniversary last year I laid out a little treasure hunt for Cora. She thought it was all my doing, it wasn't. Found it out all on Google.'

'Well, that's good to know, Major Crawley.' Cora appeared at the conservatory door, Robert completely surprised to see her standing there. She shook her head, scowling at her husband before disappearing into the garden.

John looked up at Robert, his face brightened by a wide smile. 'You might need to Google, 'how to avoid being murdered by my wife.'

* * *

After being begged to baby-sit her grandchildren as short notice, Elizabeth wasn't in the best of moods. She didn't mind looking after the kids as long as it was for a good reason. A trip to the 'Lava Lamp' with Gwen didn't fall into that bracket. However, Anna had been moping for weeks, pining for John and Gwen had begged her to baby-sit so she could take Anna out for a night on the town, to raise her spirits.

She had never approved of John, always believing he was too old for her daughter. Yet, he made Anna happy for the first ten years of their life together and Elizabeth couldn't ignore that. What she also couldn't ignore was the fact that John had suffered a tremendous ordeal. Although he hurt Anna in ways that couldn't be described, he wasn't of sound mind when he had left her. Now John had come to his senses and realised he had made a mistake. It was clear to Elizabeth, and Gwen to a certain extent, that the only way Anna would be truly happy would be to let John back into her life. The sooner she realised, the better as far as Elizabeth was concerned.

Settling down in front of the soaps, Elizabeth was annoyed to hear the doorbell, interrupting her peaceful evening. Rising to her feet, she walked the hallway to the front door. A tall figure, frosted out by the glass was standing there. Opening the door tentatively, Elizabeth was a little relieved to see it was John.

'Oh. Hello Elizabeth.'

'John.'

'Is Anna at home? I finished my job early so I thought...' John stopped and exhaled deeply, taking in the blank expression looking back at him from Elizabeth. 'I don't know what I thought.'

'She's gone to a club with Gwen. The Lava Lamp I think it was called. She needed a night out.'

'Oh right, well I'm sorry to have troubled you.'

It was Robert's idea John should go and pay Anna an impromptu visit, so he could play her the song Robert had introduced him to. John had to admit, if a song could have summed up the past year of his life, this would be it. He had never really been into sentimentality, yet he needed to do something different to get Anna to accept him again. Music was one route to Anna's heart, that had been proven on their first date.

Turning on his heels to walk away, Elizabeth called after him. 'John, hang in there.'

'I'm sorry?' He couldn't believe what he was hearing. Looking over his shoulder at Elizabeth before walking back towards her, John waited to hear her explanation.

'She still loves you, you do know that? John nodded his head, now standing directly in front of Elizabeth.

'I love her, with all my heart. I was a fool, and I am so sorry for what I did. Anna, the kids. They are all I'm living for.'

'I believe you. I really do.'

John's eyes met his former mother in law's, she was being serious. 'You have no idea how much it means to me to hear you say that.'

Elizabeth allowed herself a small smile. 'I just hope she can find it within herself to let you back into her life. It's been difficult for her.'

'I know.'

'I'll let Anna know you called.'

'Thank you,' John bowed his head in appreciation before Elizabeth stepped back inside and shut the door.

Once back on the street, John reached inside his pocket to call Robert from his phone. John could talk and talk and Robert would listen without judging him. The only other person in his life who had ever listened to him without prejudice was Anna.

'Hello John. How did it go?'

'She's gone out.' John replied.

'Oh. Where?'

'A club called the Lava Lamp,' John shrugged his shoulders as he spoke, he had never heard of it.

'Oh, that's on Shepperton Street, opposite The Prince of Wales.'

'Ahh, right.'

'You are going to find her, aren't you?'

'No, why would I do that?'

'Honestly John,' Robert sighed. John could almost see his friend shaking his head on the other end of the line. 'Wait a minute.'

'What?'

'Go and find her. And pretend you are someone else.'

John's instant reaction was to laugh out loud. 'If only I was someone else.'

'Seriously. Do it. Come on, John.' Robert was insistent. 'She might find it a turn on.'

'A turn on?' John was laughing heartily now as Robert continued to speak.

'Yeah, according to this website...'

'Google. I knew it.' John interrupted, Robert clearly annoyed at being cut off whilst he was in full flow if the sigh he had just made was any indication.

'If you'd let me finish, women found role playing in this way reignited their otherwise flagging relationship.'

'Really?'

'Yeah, you could say you were an astronaut. Or a Secret Agent. And it would be like a clean slate. Like you were wooing her all over again.'

'What is it with you and the word woo?' John asked before considering what Robert had just said. 'It might be worth a try.'

'It might. Good luck. Let me know how you get on.'

Hanging up, John thought about what Robert was suggesting. John had sent flowers to the office, they hadn't worked. Every time he approached Anna for a date she rebuked him. Meeting her whilst she was already out would mean half the work was done. John's mind was made up.

* * *

John stood outside the club, his hands shaking, his palms sweaty, his heart pumping so quickly he could almost hear each beat. The only other time he could remember feeling this way was on his and Anna's first date. The fact she didn't even know he was here added to the anxiety. What if she rejected him?

A full length mirror just inside the entrance suddenly had him adding self consciousness to his list of physical symptoms. Looking at the men in the club, any one of them would be better suited to Anna than he was. Taking in his appearance, John inwardly scrutinized himself. He dressed as a man of his age should. John was in his mid forties and there was nothing he or anyone could do about that. However he thought he looked quite sharp in his brown suede jacket, black shirt and jeans. John had never been hung up on his looks and Anna had never complained. He reminded himself of this fact as he preceded into the main part of the club.

The music was so loud, John wondered how anyone could possibly hear anybody else. He dismissed the thought almost as soon as it entered his head, quickly realising the point of a night out clubbing probably wasn't for an evening of good conversation. His one saving grace was that the music wasn't like the stuff Anna used to go raving to. It was vintage music. Scanning the room, John saw what seemed like a quieter part of the club beside the bar across the dance floor.

And then he saw her. She was stood leaning on the bar, chatting intently to Gwen yet for John everyone else in the room had disappeared. It was as if everything going on around him was in slow motion, then there was Anna, a golden light almost shining around her. She never failed to take his breath away, even after all these years. She was wearing a short black dress, John allowed himself a glance at her form, from head to toe. The fact he had called this flawless woman his wife for nearly ten years of his life still flummoxed him. The belief that she would agree to take him back was diminishing. She was stunning, he was a failure who had thrown this all away.

But John was determined to not give up.

Taking in a deep breath, he began to tread the dance floor to where she was standing. He went over the plan in his head. Flowers to the office, after John had bought them for the first time ever, hadn't worked. It was clear Anna wouldn't be won over easily. And why should she be? Anna didn't owe John anything, and what difference would flowers make? John cursed himself for even believing for a second that they would work.

Shaking his thoughts to the task at hand, he was to behave like he had never met Anna before. Like they were strangers. Like he was wooing her all over again. This part of the club was much quieter and John was thankful for that. Gwen noticed him first. The expression she sent in his direction almost knocked John off course, but he was determined to go through with his plan. There was no turning back now.

'What are you doing here?' she hissed, Anna now turning to see who Gwen was addressing. Their eyes met, and suddenly the plan was forgotten as John held Anna's gaze. The relief that flowed through his body as she smiled was incredible. 'Look, Anna doesn't want to see you.'

Anna turned to look at her friend. 'I don't believe I hired you as my spokeswoman, Gwen.'

Letting out an audible sigh, Gwen turned her back on John and leant on the bar. Eyes locked on each other, Anna furrowed her brow a little as John held out his hand for her to shake. Thinking it rather formal, she accepted his hand all the same. Taking in her confused expression, John recognised it might be time to begin his little act.

'Hello, my name is John Bates. And yours is...'

Laughing out loud at his statement, even Gwen looked over her shoulder as she registered his words, Anna gave him a look as if to ask if he were serious.

'John, you know my...'

'I'm new to the area, haven't met many people yet.'

'Have you had a bang to the head?' Gwen retorted, her body now fully turned in John's direction.

Ignoring her, John kept his eyes solely focussed on Anna, hoping she would catch on. Praying she would play along. The last thing he wanted was for her to think he was going mad.

'So, I'm John. The customary thing to do when meeting new people is to tell them your name in response. So...'

Her mind was going into overload. What was he playing at? Anna couldn't make out if he was serious or not. He seemed to be wanting Anna to see him as a stranger. It could be fun, Anna had to admit that but why? She soon found her mind wandering to his appearance. He was looking very dapper this evening. She had always liked him in that suede jacket. Maybe it was time to admit defeat. It might not please Gwen, or her mother. But she had to do what was right for her. She still loved this man standing before her. He was her John and he always would be.

'My name is Anna,' she finally said, clasping her hand around John's.

'Oh boy,' Gwen exclaimed, taking her drink from the bar and moving to a vacant table by the window.

'Hello Anna,' John continued, gently squeezing her hand. He hadn't chatted anyone up for over ten years. Remembering what to do seemed to be proving a problem. 'Erm... what do you do for a living?'

'I'm a secretary,' Anna replied, letting go of his hand. 'In a solicitors office.'

'Oh right...'

'What do you do?' Anna interrupted. John allowed a flicker of a grin to pass over his lips as he realised now was the time to make up his profession. What did he do for a living?

'I'm a pilot ,' he answered, realising before the words were out of his mouth how ridiculous it sounded.

Stifling a laugh, Anna played along. 'Oh yeah, what sort of planes?'

'Commercial aircraft, taking people off on their holidays. Pretty standard stuff.' John kept eye contact with Anna as he spoke. 'I was one of the test pilots on the A380.'

'Is that so?' Anna nodded, taking a sip of her drink.

'Yes. I even flew Concorde for a little while.'

'Really? Now that is impressive.' Anna finished her drink with a final long sip. 'I bet you get a lot of female attention dressed in your uniform.'

'Perhaps, but none of them have been as beautiful as you.' Lifting her head to look into his eyes, the sincerity Anna found there almost took her breath away. 'So Anna, will you let me buy you a drink?'

'That would be nice.'

John went to order as he had done for Anna for so many years before remembering as far as he was concerned he had never met her before. He knew what the answer would be, yet he asked anyway. It was all part of the game.

'And what would you like?'

He almost mouthed the words with her as they spilled from Anna's mouth.

'A rum and Coke please.'

* * *

John surprised himself with his capacity to weave a tale. Anna was hanging on his every word, dying to know what he would come out with next. They were having fun, laughing with each other like they always had throughout their marriage. John had missed this, and Anna had to admit she had as well. The foundation of their marriage had been a strong friendship which still remained, they couldn't ignore the fact. It was a natural thing that existed between the two of them.

'Can I get you another drink?' John stood up.

'Yes please, captain. I'll have a ...'

'Rum and Coke?' John completed her sentence, looking down at her with raised eyebrows. She nodded in response. 'I'll be right back.'

Once at the bar, John had been standing waiting to be served for a minute or so before feeling a hand on his shoulder. Looking to his left, he saw Gwen standing beside him.

'Can I get you a drink?'

'What are you playing at?' Gwen said in response.

'Is that a cocktail?'

'Don't joke,' Gwen snapped. 'This is my best friends happiness we are talking about.'

'And nothing is more important to me than that.'

'So that's why you broke her heart, is it?'

Letting out a sigh, John looked to the ceiling before meeting Gwen's eyes. 'I was cruel, I'm the first to admit it. I broke Anna's heart and that fact breaks mine over and over again every day. I lost my way and took it out on her when she was the only person who could have saved me. I'm trying to make it up to her, praying she'll realise she needs me too.'

Gwen shook her head. 'By lying to her and pretending to be a pilot?'

'How do you know...' John looked over his shoulder to see Anna texting and it fell into place. 'She must have text you...'

'When you went to the gents. Get over it, we tell each other everything.' Gwen explained before folding her arms. 'You better not be planning to cut and run, she's falling for you all over again. I know it.'

'Please Gwen, believe me when I say the last thing I want to do is hurt Anna. I love her.'

He seemed genuine enough, and Gwen wanted her friend to be happy. Although she would always hold a grudge against John for the way he had treated Anna, if he held the key to her happiness then her beliefs didn't matter.

'Very well, you have my blessing.'

'That's very noble of you,' John replied sarcastically before realising that probably wasn't the best way to go. 'I actually have a lot to thank you for. For being their for Anna when I was...'

'She's my best friend, I love her too.'

'I know.'

'And although I still think you would win the prize for the worlds biggest idiot, she loves you. It's clear for us all to see. I just hope for both your sakes she can find it in herself to forgive you. Believe me, she's not finding it easy.'

John stared back blankly, Gwen's last statement making him realise all over again how big the task ahead of him was. Winning back Anna, earning her trust again.

'Tell Anna I'm meeting up with some other friends across town, I'll call her in the morning. Make sure she gets home safely.'

'I will.'

* * *

Pulling up outside Anna's house, a heavy feeling spread throughout John as he realised their night would soon be ending. She had played along, and it had been fun getting to know each other over again. They spoke indirectly about the children, although John had to hold back tears as Anna described how she felt after the marriage broke up. He appreciated her honesty, hating himself even more for how much he had hurt her. She had left him with a ray of hope, saying how things were much better between herself and her ex husband now and that she was hoping the situation would continue to improve. Anna had even asked John for a dance before they left. As _Unchained Melody _echoed around the club, John dared to think maybe there was some hidden meaning in the song that Anna had chosen to invite him to dance to. Asking him to be patient, to wait for her.

'So this is me, Captain Bates. I've had a lovely evening. Goodnight.' Anna began to leave the car before John got out as well.

'I am nothing if not a gentleman. I always walk a lady to her door.'

Walking up the garden path in silence, Anna stopped once she reached the door and turned to face John, This was it. John had to make his move. Deciding the best way to continue would be to drop the act, John knew what he had to do.

'This evening was enjoyable, but we can go back to normal now,' John smiled nervously, putting his hands in his pockets. 'It was fun being Captain Bates for a little while.'

'I had a great time, you suit an airline pilot. You should go for your licence.'

John let a small chuckle in response before his expression turned more serious. 'Look, Anna. I was wondering if you would let me cook you dinner. This Saturday at my flat.'

'John, what about...'

'No, you're right. Too forward.' He took a few steps back, hands raised as he looked at the floor in defeat.

'No, if you let me finish I was going to say what about the kids?' Looking up, he caught Anna smirking at him. 'It is your night to have them.'

John thought on his feet. 'Robert has agreed to have them.'

'Really?'

'No, but he will once I ask him. The boys would love a sleepover at Uncle Robert's. And Cora will spoil Summer rotten.'

Anna began to laugh, nodding her head. 'Brilliant. So what time?'

'I'll pick you up about half 7?'

'Lovely, do I have to bring anything?'

'Nope, just yourself.' John replied before silence fell, the cool midnight breeze floating around them as they stared at each other.

'I best be going in.'

'Right, goodnight Anna.'

John held out his hand, once more for Anna to shake in the same manner as when he had greeted her in the club. She took him by surprise by grasping his hand and pulling him closer to her. In the next moment he felt Anna's lips on his cheek, her breath softly grazing his ear. He sighed as Anna moved away before feeling completely overwhelmed by the feeling of her cheek resting against his. John's eyes were closed throughout Anna's actions, revelling in the close proximity to which she was standing to him.

It was over as soon as it had begun, Anna stepping away from him slowly, releasing her grip on his hand. She had tears in her eyes, John was sure of it. He wanted to take her in his arms, hold her until she told him to let her go, be everything she needed him to be. But for now, a kiss on the cheek would have to suffice. John was pursuing her all over again, and anything too forward could blow his chances.

'Goodnight John.'

'Night Anna. Until Saturday.'

'Until Saturday.'

* * *

Standing in front of the mirror in his bedroom, John was becoming increasingly frustrated with the jeans he was wearing. Why he ever thought going out in a pair of jeans ripped at the knee was a good idea he couldn't fathom. The shirt still looked alright, John was secretly pleased he could still fit into it, despite the decade that had passed since he first wore it on his first date with Anna. The jeans were snug, and annoying. The shoes he was wearing had seen better days. But this all added to what John was hoping would be a magical evening. He had to decided to recreate their first date. From the clothes he was wearing, right down to the food. He had even snuck out the boys copy of Shrek from their house. It was a recreation right down to the finest detail.

Suddenly the doorbell rang. Anna. One final look in the mirror confirmed John's suspicions, he looked ridiculous. Still he preceded with moving down the hall to the front door.

'I can do this, it's Anna,' he whispered to himself before placing a hand on the doorknob.

'Hello John.'

He was completely blown away, she looked beautiful. Stunning. Her hair had been crimped slightly, she was wearing it down. Anna knew what it did to him when she wore her hair down, dancing upon her shoulders. She was wearing a red top which flowed down to her waist and jeans. Nothing too fancy, yet to John she looked more beautiful that he had ever seen her. He had been staring, John knew he had and Anna was now standing with her hands on hips, looking at him impatiently.

'Are you going to stare at me all night or invite me in?' Anna asked, stepping past him. 'We'll get into what the actual hell you are actually wearing once we're eating. I'm famished.'

Grinning at her remark, John stepped aside to allow Anna to walk past him. He caught her scent, she smelt as divine as she looked. Closing the door with a click, he followed her into the kitchen. She was looking around. No pans were on the hob, nothing was cooking in the oven. Folding her arms, Anna turned to look at John, a delicious smirk on her face that John had to do everything in his power not to kiss away.

'I knew it. You want me to cook.' She began to look in the cupboards, then the fridge. 'John, you have absolutely no food in here.'

'I need to visit the supermarket,' he replied with a shrug. 'And you're wrong, I don't want you to cook.'

'Well one of us is, I've only had a sandwich today.'

'No, we aren't.' John reached for a piece of paper from the kitchen counter. He held it up for Anna to read.

'Pizza Hut? John, why?'

'I am recreating our first date.' John replied with a smile, picking up his mobile from the table and beginning to dial.

'Well, that explains the clothes. I'm so glad I made you see ripped jeans hadn't been cool since the eighties.'

'We shared a Hawaiian pizza. I had a glass of Stella, you had a lemonade because you hadn't been feeling too well. Our waiter was called Jimmy and we sat in the table by the window. You were wearing a light blue dress and a white cardigan.'

'You remembered all that?' Anna stepped towards him, the phone now resting by his ear.

'When something's worth remembering I remember it. And that night means a lot to me. Even now.'

'It means a lot to me too. Really it does.'

They shared a moment of silence, eyes locked as John waited for his call to be answered. Anna couldn't believe the trouble he had gone to. John was completely mesmerised by the way she looked and the way she was looking at him now. She hadn't looked at him in that way since before he had been deployed.

'Yeah, hello, I'd like to order a pizza for delivery please.'

* * *

Pizza quickly devoured, the next part of John's plan was to watch the film they had seen on their first date. Anna couldn't control her laughter as the opening scene of Shrek began to play. She had asked if they really had to sit through the whole film, John insisted that they did. He even turned off the lights for full effect. He had decided anything that happened tonight would be on Anna's terms, that she should make the first move if any were to be made at all. He was just relieved she had finally agreed to a date. John felt his heart would burst out of his chest as Anna rested her head on his shoulder half way through the film. Even though it was intended for children and John had seen it a hundred times with his own, he found it hard to follow the story as he felt Anna clasp her hand around his. Was she finally coming around? John felt like it was too good to be true. The film finished, John reluctantly rose to his feet and moved to turn on the lights.

'So, what's next Mr Bates?'

What was next? On their date all those years ago, John had been invited to a party by one of his fellow Privates who lived near him on the barracks. It was his friend's brother's birthday, and he had hired out a club to treat him to a night he would never forget. Once at the club, John had been refused entry because of the rip in his jeans. His comrade couldn't be found inside to vouch for John, so he and Anna had been left out in the street. The music could still be heard loud and clear, and John still wanted to show Anna a good time. So he insisted they should not miss out and dance in the street instead. Anna labelled him crazy there and then, although she did not anticipate she would be about to encounter one of the most romantic moments of her life. Sharing a slow dance with John in the middle of the street.

John had enlisted the help of a neighbour and Robert to recreate this in the communal courtyard that was situated outside of John's kitchen door. Praying that they had come through for him, John held out his hand for Anna to take hold of. Looking up at him suspiciously, she clasped her fingers around his and followed him as he lead her to the kitchen.

'Where are we going?' Anna asked intrigued as John opened the back door.

He remained silent, instead choosing to tentatively look out of the door. His pals had come through for him. Breathing a sigh of relief, John moved aside to allow Anna to step out of his flat and onto the courtyard. He saw her raise a hand to her lips before carefully closing the door behind him. Candles were carefully placed around the patch of grass that sat just outside his back door. Looking to his right, John was relieved to see his music system ready to go. Anna turned to look at him, her hand still covering her mouth. She was crying, John felt his resolve melting.

'This is all for me?'

'Everything I do is for you, Anna.' His voice was sincere, his eyes warm and loving.

'I don't know what to say.'

'Then don't say anything.'

Pressing play on the music system, the romantic atmosphere which had been created was swiftly forgotten as the opening notes of _It Wasn't Me _by Shaggy began to play. John reciprocated Anna's laughter, picking up the remote control and placing it in his back pocket before moving towards her and offering him her hand.

'May I have this dance, madam?'

'I never thought you'd ask, kind sir.'

A verse and a chorus of giggles and an alarmingly good impression of Shaggy by John later, a crowd began forming, other people stepping out into the courtyard to see what all the commotion was about. Anna noticed, looking over John's shoulder at her audience as they moved together in time to the music.

'I think that's enough of that,' Anna whispered. 'It was awful the first time around.'

'You're right. Shall I move on to the next song?'

'For everyone's sanity, I think so.'

John nodded in agreement, reaching in his back pocket for the remote control. What came next was not what Anna had been expecting. She looked up at John, he was looking right into her eyes, trying to gauge her response.

'I was expecting Hero,' Anna replied. 'I don't think I know this one.'

'Listen to it, Anna. Please.'

_'I'm not a perfect person, there's many things I wish I didn't do...'_

'Oh John,' Anna gasped, looking into his face as she registered the lyrics. John was perfect to her, she had to make him see that.

'Hero was the song for the old us. I thought we might need a new one. And this song in particular explains everything I have wanted to say to you for the past few months.'

'This. Everything you have done this evening, it's all so overwhelming.'

Stillness fell between them as John's arms found Anna's waist, her own wrapping around his broad shoulders. The crowd around them seemed to be getting bigger but neither noticed as they simply held each other. Anna was listening intently to the song because John had chosen it specifically for her, falling more in love with it with each lyric that passed.

_'I'm sorry that I hurt you, it's something that I must live with every day...' _

Closing her eyes, Anna rested her head on John's chest. He tightened his grip on her waist as they swayed gently in each other's arms. Their bodies touching, the feel of her head on his chest, her scent all around him was enough to drive John closer to the edge. This was it, it was now or never. John decided in that moment to tell Anna how he felt, what he wanted.

_'__I've found a reason for me__, t__o change who I used to be__, a__ reason to start over new__and the reason is you__...'_

'Anna...'

John stopped as he felt her jump in his arms, startling her as his deep tone filled her ears. She had become so lost in the music, in his arms. She settled as he placed a hand on the back of her head, gently pushing her back against his chest before continuing with what he was about to say.

'I hurt you and I am so sorry for that. The song describes so eloquently how I feel. The hurt I caused you is something I live with every day. But my reason, it's still you. It's always been you and it always will be. Yes, I am partly back to how I used to be, but my life will never be the same until you take me back. Only then will I consider my life saved.'

John could feel Anna gently sobbing on his chest, her reaction enough to cause tears to sting the back of his eyes. Moving both his arms back to her waist, he pulled Anna close to him, so willing to be exactly what she needed at this moment, like he had longed to be when he saw her crying on the doorstep a few evenings previously. No words seemed enough at this moment, yet he continued with what he wanted to say.

'I will spend my whole life making this up to you. I want to be there when you wake up. I want to argue with you over who does the school run. I want to look at you, so happy with our children and know the smile on your face it is partly down to me. Please Anna. Let me give you your big white wedding. Marry me.'

His talking was complete, he waited patiently to hear how Anna responded. What dawned on him now was that if Anna didn't accept him now, she probably never would. He had laid himself bare, put his heart on the line. There was nothing else he could do. An eternity seemed to pass as he waited for Anna to speak. The song had finished a few moments previously, the crowd gathered diminished leaving the two of them alone in the courtyard. With each second that passed, John was left feeling less hopeful. With a gentle sigh, he could take it no longer.

'Anna, please tell me. Whether it's that you can do this or whether you can't. I have to know.'

'The way you looked at me, when you opened the door,' she began speaking suddenly, softly, moving her head away from John and seeking out his eyes with her own. 'And the other night, when you approached me in the club. I would give up anything in the world to have you look at me like that for the rest of my life. It seems, even something I wasn't sure I could ever get over, my reluctance to forgive you.'

John narrowed his gaze, the words he was hearing were those he had been dying to hear for months and he couldn't quite believe Anna had spoken them. They lingered in the cool evening air, repeating over and over in his head. The more he replayed the words, the more they seemed real. Anna had actually said them.

'Anna, I really don't...'

'John, I think we've said enough. Just kiss me.'

He chuckled a little at her suggestion, resting his forehead against hers. Her eyes were half lidded as he moved his lips closer to hers. It felt like a jolt of electricity through his whole body as he finally felt her lips on his. Yes, they had shared that night just before her intended wedding to Richard, but it was instantly regretted. Passion and desired had ruled the situation. This was different, it felt different. It was reaffirming a love John thought had been lost forever because of his stupidity. He didn't deserve Anna's forgiveness, but it seemed like he had just received it.

Pulling away, both breathless, Anna moved her hand to John's cheek, his gaze instantly finding hers.

'I thought I loved Richard. Really I did. In the beginning everything was great. Then as time passed and things got more serious, all I could think about was you. All the time, you were there. He'd touch me, kiss me and I'd feel nothing. But the kiss we just shared, God knows I felt that. There is no one in this world that I want more than I want you.'

John let out a small laugh, in relief more than anything. Tears were falling down his cheeks unashamedly, his voice breaking with the raw emotion that had taken over his senses.

'Anna, you have no idea how much it means to hear you say that.' He placed a hand over the one that Anna was resting on his cheek. 'All I want is you aswell. Everyday. Nothing else. Just you.'

'And the kids...'

'Yes, I thought that goes without saying.'

'Well, you've got me.' Anna's hand left his cheek then, clasping around John's and holding it tightly. 'Just don't ever leave me again.'

'I've already lost you once. I'd be an even bigger fool to let it happen again.'

'So then, Mr Bates...'

'So what?'

'I believed you asked me a question a few moments ago.'

John stood confused for a moment before realising Anna's meaning. 'I don't have a ring.'

'I don't need a ring.'

'Very well.' He carefully fell to his knees, making Anna laugh as he groaned, slowly getting into position. Once on one knee, John took Anna's hands in his and looked up into her beautiful face, lit up because of the beautiful smile that looked back at him. John decided to keep it simple believing he had said enough. 'Anna Smith, will you marry me?'

'Yes. Yes I will. '

And with those four words, she had quite possibly saved John Bates life.

* * *

**A/N 2- The song referred to, if you didn't know it is The Reason by Hoobastank. Google it, it's a lovely song. And thanks to those who assisted me in PM's when trying to find the perfect song and for not getting annoyed when I chose this one by myself.**

**I'm sorry to say, that's the end. I didn't include any smut, which may disappoint some but I felt it wasn't needed. And I could write a long winded wedding chapter but it would probably be so similar to the one on OOML so there would be no point. I like the idea someone suggested in a review about an epilogue set 25 years from now, in a nod to Anna and John's conversation in the first chapter. That could be quite fun to write. **

**The response to this story has been overwhelming, thank you to anyone who has left a review or sent me a PM. As you know, my mum was very poorly for a time and I found some relief in writing this. She is much better now, thanks to everyone who has asked after her.**

**So, an epilogue will probably follow. Then it's back to Living in Sin. **


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N So this is 21 pages long. I read the reviews, and I know some people wanted nice family shizz. So this is that, with a twist. **

**I hope you enjoy it, and that it's easy to follow. Thanks for all the reviews on this story, I've had great fun writing it. Cheers.**

**Disclaimer: **Same as previous chapters.

* * *

**Epilogue**

**-Year 2034-**

Wiping a weary hand over her face, Anna walked into the kitchen. She had been busy recently, and John must have left her to have a lie in, the clock now ticking gently past eleven. Expecting John to be sitting at the table, she was surprised to see the kitchen empty, save for a huge bouquet of flowers on the table, a post it note attached to the vase they were safely sat in. Looking at the piece of paper on the table beside the flowers, the note simply read,

_'Back in half an hour, these are for you. John x.' _

Smiling to herself, Anna lifted the post it note from the vase. Reading it, she rose a hand to her lips, even after all these years John never failed to move her with his thoughtfulness.

_Reason #7305: Twenty years ago today you saved my life when you said I do, again. _

Clutching the little yellow paper to her chest, Anna closed her eyes. These little yellow post it notes had been a daily occurrence, ever since she and John remarried. He vowed on their wedding day that he would leave her a little note each day of their married life, each one listing a reason why he loved Anna. Day seven thousand, three hundred and five had arrived, their twentieth wedding anniversary.

Anna was now in her fifties. She hadn't worked for twenty years, leaving the solicitors office after re-marrying John. His HGV job paid very well and the fact their house was bought outright meant she could stay at home and raise their three children without the added pressures of a full time job. John felt it was the least he could do after Anna had forgiven him. He promised he would spend his life making things up to Anna and enabling her to spend all her time with her children went some way to achieving this.

John had just turned sixty five and was newly retired. He had worked his way from HGV driver to Managing Director of the haulage company. With his army pension and the money he had made through his hard work, he and Anna could live comfortably. It had been a long time coming. John was now ready to enjoy his retirement and devote his time fully to his wife.

After taking in the scent of her flowers, Anna returned upstairs, the tiny piece of paper safely in her grasp. Walking into the spare room, she moved towards the corner and moved the chest of drawers to reveal a blanket covering a stack of boxes. There were twenty of them, each one labelled with a year. Lifting the most recent one from the top, she opened it and placed the post it note inside. The boxes contained the previous seven thousand, three hundred and four notes John had left Anna. He had no idea she had kept them all, but she had. After closing the box, she placed it on the ground and reached for the box that contained the first years worth of notes. Opening it, she rifled through them, looking for number one. When she found it, she leant back on her haunches and stared at John's writing. Suddenly, thoughts of when she had first found it flooded through her mind.

**_-20 years previously-_**

_John insisted he take the boys to stay with him at Robert's house the night before the wedding. Robert was to be his best man, Dylan and Oscar his Ushers. After Anna had accepted his proposal, John didn't move back in straight away. He wanted to do everything properly, and that meant not living together until they were married. Anna laughed as she reminded her fiancé they had three children together but John insisted they do the right thing. _

_Anna woke up early that morning, with the excitement of the wedding and came downstairs to start making some preparations for the reception at the house after the ceremony. In the kitchen, she was surprised to see a vase of flowers on the table. Walking towards them, she saw 2 little yellow notes attached to the vase. She saw John's name at the bottom of the note first, furrowing her brow as she wondered how he could have got the flowers in here unnoticed. _

_Reading the note at the top first, it said:_

_I have decided that for every day of our married life, I will list a reason of why I love you so much. They will be left around the house each day, it is your job to find them. The first one is below. _

_Taking the next note from the vase, Anna felt tears welling in her eyes as she read the words neatly written. _

_Reason #1: You have given me a second chance I don't deserve and I will forever be grateful for that. _

**-Present day-**

'Anna, are you about?' Hearing footsteps coming up the stairs, Anna quickly closed the box and put it back on the stack, before they all came tumbling down in her haste.

'Oh blast,' she exclaimed, scrambling to save the last box from crashing to the floor. John appeared at the door, looking highly amused and carrying a white box.

'Everything alright, sweetheart? I went to the bakers and bought us some cream cakes for...' He stopped and looked at the pile of boxes around Anna, a confused expression on his face. She admitted defeat as he leant down beside her.

'I suppose you want to know what's in the boxes?' Anna said, beginning to stack them again.

'I'm a little curious.'

'You know how you leave me a note each day?' Anna stood up, placing the last box on the top of the pile.

'Yes,' John raised an eyebrow suspiciously as he moved to stand beside her.

'Well, in these boxes husband, is every note you have written for me. Each box is assigned a year. Silly, I know but...'

John silenced her by pressing his lips to hers, completely taking Anna by surprise. She wrapped her arms around his neck, bringing him closer to her, John manoeuvring swiftly to avoid his pastries being crushed.

'What was that for?' Anna asked breathlessly, staring at him with half lidded eyes.

'How can something as perfect as keeping all my notes be silly?' John replied before brushing his lips against Anna's once more. 'I just had no idea.'

'We've never spoken about them,' Anna shrugged. 'Quite odd when it's such a daily occurrence.'

'It's part of my routine,' John agreed with a nod of the head. 'Get up, have a shave, brush my teeth, write Anna her reason today for why I love her.'

'I never understood how you managed to think of different ones each day.'

'It's easy, there are a million reasons why I love you. I'm just telling you each of them, one day at a time.'

'You'll never live long enough to tell me all of them.' Anna said with a chuckle. John took her hand and led her out of the spare room. 'Where are you taking me?'

'Well, if I won't live long enough to write down all the reasons, I could at least show you some of them along the way.' He looked back at her with a smirk which still managed to cause stirrings within her, even after all this time. Although his hair was greyer, he had still kept some of his charms that Anna had fell for almost thirty years previously. She still often lost herself in his eyes, the crinkles at the edges when he smiled still doing things to her she couldn't explain. He was a fit man as well, Anna fully believing if you didn't know how old John was, you certainly wouldn't say he was sixty five.

'John Bates, it's nearly lunch time.'

'We best get moving then. I don't move as quickly as I used to and the kids will be around at four.'

'Oh,' Anna replied with a smirk of her own dancing upon her lips. 'Experience has taught me we'll be done by four.'

* * *

John walked down the stairs, the sound of china being bashed about from the kitchen intriguing him. Moving down the hallway he stood still as he watched Anna carefully wrap cling film around plates filled with sandwiches and cakes. Leaning against the doorframe, he smiled as she cursed when she realised there was no more room in the fridge. Age hadn't been unkind to Anna. She kept her hair in a tidy blonde bob, her hair hadn't succumbed to the grey that John's had. A few light wrinkles lined her face, but other than that John didn't think she had changed a bit since when he had first met her. Her figure was still perfect, despite the five children she had given birth to. John allowed his mind to wander to his children. Although a shock to them both, twins Max and Amelie were born a few weeks before Summer turned four. Now seventeen, Amelie was at college studying drama whilst Max had followed in his father's footsteps and joined the army as soon as he left school.

Anna and John found themselves alone, Amelie and Max out with their older siblings at a theme park for the day. Oscar was now twenty five and a doctor. He lived with his pregnant fiance, Holly in a house a couple of streets from the house where he grew up in. Dylan was a year older, living with his wife, Sarah and son Oliver an hours drive over the Pennines in Manchester. He taught English in a secondary school in the city.

They had all come together for Summer's wedding, the day after her parents wedding anniversary. Although only twenty one, she was to marry her childhood sweetheart. David had met Summer on their first day of secondary school and they have been together pretty much ever since. Engaged on Summer's eighteenth birthday, both sets of parents asked that they both go to University separately before committing to the other. With their studies completed and the relationship still going strong, the wedding date was set. They rented a small flat twenty minutes or so away from Anna and John, David working as an Estate Agent and Summer a primary school teaching assistant.

The wedding was only to be a small affair, the reception to be held at Summer's childhood home. Being on a Sunday as well, it was a little out of the ordinary. Anna had prepared a buffet, with the help of Gwen. She had lost her mother a few months previously, John and Gwen, and her children a tower of strength as she came to terms with her loss.

Everybody was close, the importance of family being drummed into the children by John and Anna from an early age. There were squabbles between the five siblings but all in all, it was a happy home they grew up in. The night before the wedding, Summer had requested that her brothers and sister came together for one last time, under the same roof all as Bates's before she became Mrs Summer Anderson.

Shutting the fridge door, Anna suddenly noticed she was being watched.

'John Bates, you made me jump.'

'Sorry,' John replied, walking into the kitchen, reaching his wife and placing his arms around her waist. 'Everything sorted?'

'Getting there,' Anna replied with a sigh, leaning back into John's touch. 'Why she couldn't have a normal wedding reception with caterers I'll never know.'

'Because she wanted a small gathering, that's our Summer for you. Nothing too fancy, so long as she's got the people she loves nearby.'

'I suppose,' Anna agreed. 'The cake was very nice by the way. Thank you.'

'My pleasure.' John growled, pressing his lips to Anna's neck. 'How we are going to fit fifty people in this house tomorrow I have no idea.'

'I just hope the rain stays away, we can all go out in the garden then.' Anna looked out of the kitchen window, the gazebo John and his sons had erected outside standing in the middle of the lawn. 'It will be nice to see the kids this afternoon.'

'Yeah, did Dyl and Ossy say what Sarah and Holly would be doing with Ollie today? It would be nice to see our grandson, what with him living in a different county.'

'That's still a sore subject with you, isn't it?' Anna asked, moving away from John to see if she had space in the larder for the last remaining tray of sandwiches. She carried on talking from inside the large cupboard. 'The job came up in Manchester and Dylan took it. More money, better prospects. You can't deny him wanting to do right by his family. You did it enough times, all those long hours we didn't see you.'

'I guess,' John said with a sigh. 'And we'll see Oliver tomorrow.'

'Exactly,' Anna agreed, reappearing and moving towards John. 'Do you want to go and buy the pizza's for tonight? The kids will be here soon.'

* * *

As she sat on the floor, in front of John in the armchair, her arm curled around his leg, Anna's heart swelled with love as she watched her children laughing together over Dylan's questionable drawing of a banana. Playing Pictionary had become a regular part of proceedings at family gatherings over the years. It was always boys against girls, Anna, Summer and Amelie usually emerging triumphant.

'How can that be a banana?' Max said, pointing at the picture on the flip chart with an amused grin on his face.

'Well Dad said it was a moon.' Dylan shrugged, looking in the direction of his parents. 'They are sort of the same shape, are they not?'

'Either way, it's another point to the girls.' Summer rose to her feet and crossed out the girls 9 and replaced it with a 10. 'Oh, would you look at that. First to 10 wins. What do you know?'

'Alright show off,' Oscar threw a napkin in Summer's direction as she gave Amelie and Anna each a high five in turn. 'Anyway, shall we do the surprise now?'

'What surprise?' Anna asked suspiciously, looking back at John who was as equally in the dark as she was.

'Max, being the strong soldier you are, you can do the honours.' Dylan patted his youngest brother on the back. 'It's in the big cardboard box by the front door.'

'It's always me,' Max moaned as he got up and disappeared into the hall.

'What's going on?' John asked.

'Well, you don't think we'd have forgotten you were married...'

'Re- married,' Summer interrupted Oscar as Max came back into the living room with a large, slim cardboard box, about two inches thick. 'Remember Dad was an idiot for a year or so.'

'Yes, thank you Summer.' John sighed as Anna turned her attentions back to him, chuckling slightly.

'Well, this is your gift. From us.' Max explained, handing the box to John as Anna moved to the side of the armchair.

'You open it, Anna,' John said softly with a smile on his face, encouraging his wife to take control.

Silence fell, the only sound was that of Anna tearing the cardboard as all her children looked on with expectant faces. John was highly amused, this reminded him of many a Christmas morning over the years where the opening of Anna's present was the highlight. All the hard work through the year lead up to that moment, the gift from her children to thank her for everything she did for them.

With the box finally open, Anna looked inside and managed to fit her fingers round the edge of what was inside. Gently lifting it from the box, her eyes lit up as what was inside was revealed to her. It was a canvas print of a picture from their first holiday together when the twins were only three or four. They were in Florida after finally going on the holiday Daddy had promised them before he was deployed. The picture wasn't from Disneyland, it was of them on the beach. A passer by had kindly taken the photo, the twins on Dylan and Oscar's lap. Summer in the middle and John and Anna behind. Anna had always coveted the photo, although the original copy was only small.

'I don't know what to say,' Anna gasped with a shaky voice, running her fingers over the photo. 'It's beautiful.'

'Do you really like it, Mum?' Amelie asked, sitting beside her mother and putting her arm around her.

'It's perfect, isn't it Dad?' Anna replied, lifting it up to show John who was visibly moved by the whole act. Not only had he been blessed with a beautiful wife, he had also been gifted with five children who made him feel so proud every day. This was just like them all to do something so thoughtful and it touched him more than he could put into words.

'It certainly is, Mum.' John met Anna's eyes, grinned slightly before looking over at his children. 'What a wonderful gift.'

'Yeah, well it's the least the two of you deserve,' Dylan remarked. 'And the picture is significant. The day you finally took us to Disneyland, albeit almost 5 years late.'

'We got there in the end though, didn't we?' John replied in mock annoyance.

'I'll just go and put this upstairs so it doesn't get ruined,' Anna stood up and moved to leave the living room. As she was walking out she added, 'Then your father can put it up on the wall the day after the wedding.'

'What she doesn't know is I am planning to drink so much tomorrow I won't know what my name is come the day after, let alone be able to put a picture up.'

'I heard that, John Bates,' Anna called from the stairs, causing everyone else to laugh.

'Twenty years married, eh Dad?' Oscar smiled, leaning back on the sofa. 'I still remember when you told us you were back together.'

**_- Twenty years previously-_**

_'Gwen and Elizabeth aren't going to be happy,' John whispered as he and Anna pulled up outside the house. Anna had just spent the night at John's flat, the two of them having just got back together. _

_'Stuff them,' Anna replied, getting out of the car before walking ahead of John. She realised he wasn't beside her, turning back to look at him still next to the car. 'You aren't scared of my mother, are you?' _

_'I've always been scared of your mother.' _

_Anna sighed, walked back down the path towards John and placed a kiss upon his lips. 'Forget Mum is even there. We are telling the kids Daddy is coming home. Focus on that.' _

_'Alright.' John replied, looking beyond Anna. 'It's a lovely house. I just wish I'd been living here sooner.' _

_'Look, lets not dwell on that,' Anna took John's hand, squeezing it gently. 'You're here now, that's all that matters.' _

_'Sure you don't mind me not moving back in until after the wedding?' _

_'No,' Anna replied with a huff. 'I suppose not. But you have promised me my big white wedding, it might take a while to organise.' _

_'Not really, I spoke to the vicar at the local church and his next available date is only six weeks away. Cora knows a DJ for the reception, their daughter will let us use the hall she uses for her dance lessons and I'm sure you and your Mum can handle the catering. Then it's just your dress and my suit.' _

_'You have it all planned. How did you know I'd say yes?' _

_'I wasn't sure you would. I just knew if you did you'd want to be married as soon as possible. So I sounded a few people out, it's actually all booked. Cora has even arranged appointments for you at some bridal shops. With your perfect figure, she doesn't think you will need too many alterations.' _

_'And what date is this?' _

_'Six weeks away yesterday. It's all sorted.' _

_'I don't know what to say,' Anna lifted a hand to her face. 'Thank you.' _

_'I'm just relieved you said yes,' John added. 'I didn't fancy the phone calls cancelling everything.' _

_'But until then, you'll be living in your flat.' _

_'Yes.'_

_'Oh well, I'll just have to find some way to escape here for a couple of hours to spend some time alone with you. If last night is anything to go by.' _

_John placed a hand around Anna's waist and pulled her to him before pressing his forehead against hers. 'I love you, have I told you that?' _

_'Yes, but I'll never get tired of hearing it.' Anna took the opportunity to steal a kiss before leading John the remainder of the path. As soon as the door was open, Anna and John's ears were met by footsteps running down the stairs. _

_'Mummy, we saw Daddy's car out of the...' Dylan stopped talking as he took in the sight of his Mum and Dad holding hands in the doorway, Oscar peering from behind him. 'Mummy, are you and Daddy friends again?' _

_They both laughed at their sons statement before meeting each others gaze. 'I guess we are,' Anna answered her son, John gently grinning at her. _

_'Are you coming home, Daddy?' _

_'I am, Ossy,' John replied as he watched them both take the final few steps to meet them at the bottom. 'Well after the wedding.' _

_'Wedding. What wedding?' Elizabeth appeared with Summer in her arms from the kitchen. _

_'Hi Mum,' Anna walked towards her mother and gave her a kiss on a cheek before taking Summer from her. Anna looked back at John who had both Dylan and Oscar in his embrace. _

_'Hello Elizabeth.' John said tentatively. _

_'I'll say this straight off the bat.' Elizabeth began, pointing in John's direction. 'I know you weren't in the best frame of mind. But, hurt my daughter again and I will hunt you down. You may have fought for this country but I will be a more formidable opponent than any enemy forces you have encountered. Believe me.' _

_'Understood,' John replied with a slight hint of a smile which he was relieved Elizabeth reciprocated. 'It seems I have a lot of making up to do.' _

_'You do,' Elizabeth agreed. 'And you can start by taking us all out to dinner to celebrate.' _

**-Present Day-**

'Nan was quite the outspoken one, wasn't she?' Dylan said as Anna rejoined them in the living room.

'She was just looking out for her daughter,' John replied, taking Anna's hand as she sat back down in front of him.

'What are you talking about?' Anna asked.

'When you guys told us you were back together,' Oscar replied before looking at Summer. 'I doubt you remember it, do you?'

'As I have told you many times, Oz. My first memory is Dad walking around the garden with me in the dark, the outside lights shining and him singing My Girl to me.'

'You used to be awful at bedtimes, Sum,' Anna said, looking at her daughter. 'If you knew your Dad was around, you wouldn't settle for anybody else. Max was the same when he was a baby as well. I blame the fact that you both have your mother's looks.'

'Well, I am the exception to your rule, mother,' Oscar said, pointing to his head full of blonde hair.

It was true. Oscar, Summer and Max shared the same features as their mother although Oscar was much like his Dad in his outlook on the world. They all had blonde hair, blue eyes and both Max and Summer shared their mothers temperament as well. Dylan and Amelie were much more like John with their dark hair and hazel eyes. It made it even more unbelievable that Max and Amelie were twins, one being blonde and the other brunette.

'I remember the wedding well enough,' Dylan said. 'A trip to A and E after falling over a table.'

'Well, you wouldn't stop running, would you?' Anna scolded playfully. 'Mummy did warn you accidents would happen.'

'And it was alright, you only broke a toe.' John added with a small chuckle.

'My foot actually and it hurt!' Dylan exclaimed, rubbing his foot. 'A lot.'

**_-20 Years Previously-_**

_'Look, you two stay here. I'll take Dyl to the hospital,' Cora said, taking the screaming little boy into her arms. _

_'But I don't think I should leave him...' _

_It was too late, Cora had already taken the little one in her arms and into a car where she was asking one of the chauffeurs of the wedding car to take her to the nearest Accident and Emergency. _

_'God, do you think he'll be alright?' Anna looked up at John panic stricken as her husband looked on at the car leaving. 'Maybe we should follow.' _

_A crowd had gathered behind them to see what all the commotion was about. John place a hand on Anna's shoulder before turning around to address the guests. _

_'We think he's broken his foot.' John announced, moving himself towards the crowd. _

_'Look. Cora will look after him. We have three daughters of our own, she knows what she is doing.' Robert tried to reassure the bride and groom._

_'Yeah, I know but he should be here, and if he'd listened to me, he wouldn't have hurt himself...' _

_'Hey, sssh,' John pulled Anna to him as she began to cry, the pressures of the day getting to her. 'He's broken his foot and at worst, he'll be on crutches for a few weeks. It's fine. All boys break a bone at some point in their life. I broke my arm, my wrist and leg by the time I was ten.' _

_'But that's because you were a clumsy fec...'_

_'Thank you, Colin,' John interrupted one of his Irish cousins as Anna fell into a fit of giggles. _

_'It is time for the first dance,' Robert pointed out. 'The DJ is waiting.' _

_'Come on, they'll be back in no time. And I'm sure Cora will call if it's anything more serious. Which it won't be. Come and share a dance with me. Even if we come straight back out here and wait for Dylan to come back.' _

_The first dance shared, Anna was able to put Dylan to the back of her mind for the four minutes the song lasted whilst she danced in John's arms. She couldn't help but become lost in his embrace as he quietly sang every word of 'The Reason' into her ear. His attempts as the high notes during the middle amused her somewhat before they ended the dance with a kiss. John then took Summer his arms, Anna finding Oscar as they danced to 'My Girl' immediately afterwards. _

_Anna's whole evening was spent glancing at the door, waiting for Dylan and Cora to appear. A couple of hours passed with no news whatsoever until Robert announced he had received a phone call. Dylan had broken his metatarsal and had been put into plaster. They would be back any time to see John and Anna off on their honeymoon. _

_'Well, we can't go now. How would that look? Swanning off to the south of France when our son is in plaster.' _

_'Yes you bloody well can,' Elizabeth argued back. 'I'll take care of him. You're only gone for four nights because that husband of yours can't book his holidays right.'_

_'Thank you, Elizabeth,' John said impatiently before turning his attentions to Anna. 'Sweetheart. it's our honeymoon. And the summer holidays. It's not like Dylan's got to go to school with the cast on, is it?' _

_'Mummy.' They all looked down to see Oscar looking up at them, happily munching away on a sausage roll. 'Will Dylan get a present now he's broken his foot? Because Harry Thompson at school got a mountain bike after he fell down the stairs.' _

_Three confused faces looked back at him before Oscar took another bite out of his sausage roll and walked towards where Gwen was playing with Summer, leaving them to it. As they bickered, Dylan appeared at the door, hobbling on his crutches with Cora following him closely behind. _

_'Mum, look. I've got crutches,' Dylan exclaimed, waving one of them in the air. Anna rushed towards her son and wrapped him up in her arms. _

_'You silly boy,' she exclaimed before peppering his face in kisses, much to Dylan's annoyance. 'I've been worried sick about you. Are you alright? Does it hurt?' _

_'A little bit, but the crutches are way cool.' _

_'Thanks Cora, so much,' John said with a smile as he leant down to speak to Dylan. 'Now do you see why you mustn't run inside?' _

_'Yes Dad,' he replied unenthusiastically. _

_'John, the taxi is on it's way to take you and Anna to the hotel,' Robert informed his friend, taking his role of best man very seriously. 'You best get changed.' _

_'Do you think we might have ten minutes alone with the kids, before we set off?' Anna asked, stroking Dylan's cheek. _

_'Of course,' Robert replied. _

_In a few moments, once Anna had changed from her wedding dress, Anna and John were leading their children outside to a small park situated behind the hall. Although Oscar wanted to play on the swing and Summer was much more interested in chewing on a piece of bread that was laid out for the buffet, Anna insisted they sit on the bench together. Dylan sat in between his Mum and Dad, Oscar with his mother and Summer on her father's knee. _

_'Now, you know Mummy and Daddy are going away for a few nights.' Anna began, before gently kissing Oscar on the head. _

_'On your moneymoon,' Oscar replied. _

_'Honeymoon,' Dylan corrected him with a roll of the eyes, Anna and John sharing an amused grin out of their sight. _

_'We'll be back very soon though, and when we are Daddy will be living with us again.' _

_'It's going to be awesome,' Dylan remarked, resting his head against John's arm. _

_'Awesome indeed, son.' John replied with a chuckle. _

_'The last year hasn't been easy, on any of us.' Anna continued. 'But we just want you to know that Mummy and Daddy have sorted it now. For good. So Daddy won't be leaving again, will you Daddy?' _

_'Never,' John breathed, looking Anna in the eye. 'There is no where else on earth I would rather be than with the four of you. You are my whole world and I love you all so much.' _

_'Good. Because we love you a lot too. This is us now. Forever.'_

**-Present Day-**

'I still have a dent in my foot.' Dylan protested as he began to untie his right shoe. 'Take a look.'

'No thanks,' Oscar put his hand over Dylan's to still his movements. 'Hang on, wasn't it your left foot?'

'Haha, very funny pipsqueak.' Dylan ruffled Oscar's hair before tying his shoelace again. 'It did hurt.'

'Alright, we believe you old man,' Max teased.

'Hey less of the old. If I'm an old man, what does that make Dad?' Dylan looked towards his father who was wearing a slight grin.

'You guys make me feel young, but not as young as your mother makes me feel.' John looked down at Anna, flashing her a wink resulting in groans from their gathered offspring.

'Ewww Dad, I have to sleep tonight,' Amelie grimaced. 'In my mind, you guys have only done it four times. When you conceived each of us.'

'Believe me, Am,' Anna said as she squeezed the back of John's leg. 'It's been plenty more times than that.'

'Mum!' Summer exclaimed with a giggle, Dylan getting up and walking towards the door. 'I can't hear this, I'm going to check in on Sarah and Ollie.'

'Ask after Holly for me,' Oscar asked his brother. 'I did text her but she hasn't replied.'

'Get off your arse and do it yourself,' Dylan retorted, leaning around the door frame.

'I'll tell Mum and Dad what really happened to the antique vase that Christmas Eve...'

'What vase?' Anna furrowed her brow, looking at Oscar.

'Nothing,' Dylan quickly interrupted. 'Anything else you want me to ask Holly?'

'Nope, that's fine.'

'Can I ask you a question, Mum?' Max asked, flicking through his phone as he did so.

'Yes,' Anna replied ominously.

'Were me and Amelie a mistake?' John almost choked at the candour to his youngest son's question, Anna could only laugh out loud. 'Was it a shock?'

'These are very personal questions you are asking,' Anna remarked, looking up at John who simply raise his eyebrows at Anna. 'Shock is the wrong word. You were a nice surprise.'

'The shock came when we found out your mum was expecting twins.'

'I'll never forget the day when you told us you were having twins,' Dylan announced as he walked back into the living room. 'Everyone's fine by the way.'

'Cheers bro. Weren't we with Nan and Gwen?' Oscar continued. 'I remember I was annoyed at Summer because she had broken my transformer.'

'Oz, I was four. That was seventeen years ago. Are you ever going to let it go?'

**_-Seventeen years ago-_**

_'Wow.' John said. _

_'Wow,' Anna said in agreement. _

_Sitting in the car outside Elizabeth's house, Anna couldn't take her eyes off the scan picture. John looked at it over her shoulder before releasing his seatbelt. Slowly, Anna turned her head so she could see John. He moved his eyes to meet hers, a huge smile on his face. _

_'You are getting the snip, no excuses now.' _

_'What?' John shrugged, looking back at the picture. 'I can't help it if my, err... productivity is err.' _

_'John, shut up.' Anna interrupted. 'How are we going to cope with five children under ten?' _

_'Like we always manage. Because we have each other. And so long as I have you nothing shall ever phase me.' _

_'God, you're irresistible when you say romantic things like that to me,' Anna murmured, placing a hand on his cheek and pulling him closer to her. She gently brushed her lips against his, the kiss becoming more intense almost instantly. _

_'See,' John breathed, moving away. 'This is our problem. We can't get enough of each other, Even now. Even after all these years, three or what will soon be five children, with you three months pregnant with twins.'_

_'Exactly. So you'll have to have the snip.' _

_'Anna,' John wailed as she got out of the car. 'I am not getting the snip.' _

_Once in the house, Anna was met by one very upset Oscar and a guilty looking Summer. John followed behind, a gentle smile on his face. He loved to watch Anna and the children. In fact, the post it note he had left her that very morning read, 'because you are a wonderful mother.' _

_'Mummy, Summer broke my Optimus Prime,' Oscar whined, showing his mother the object with a piece snapped off. _

_'I didn't mean to,' Summer whined. _

_'Darling, maybe Daddy can fix it.' Anna said dismissively before showing them the picture. 'You see, there is not one baby in mummy's tummy, but two,'_

_'Twins?' Elizabeth nearly fainted at the news. _

_'Yes mother. Twins.' _

_'Bloody hell. I hope John is having the snip.' _

**-Present Day-**

'We best be going, I told Sarah we'd only be another half an hour and the landlady of the bed and breakfast locks the door at 11.'

'I wish you'd have all stayed here,' Anna moaned, standing up as Dylan and Oscar did.

'Mum, you've got the three young ones here,' Dylan explained, 'there's hardly enough room to swing a cat, And you'll be busy enough tomorrow morning without Oliver running around.'

'I know, you're right. As usual. My two clever boys.'

'Ahem,' Max made his presence known from his position in the armchair.

'You're mummy's brave little soldier, Max. And don't forget it,' Anna called back to him, her son grimacing at his mother's teasing tone.

'See you three scallywags tomorrow,' Oscar said to his younger siblings, kissing Amelie on the cheek before shaking Max's hand. He turned to Summer. 'And you, miss. See you tomorrow.'

'Bye bro, don't be late. Half one, be there on the button.'

'Oh, we wouldn't dare be late,' Dylan smiled. 'Night Max and Amelie.'

Both waved before they and their older sister began to pick up all the board games, plates and glasses that had been used. John and Anna walked Dylan and Oscar to the front door before returning to the living room and beginning to help.

'Mum, Dad, we'll do this. Go to bed.' Amelie insisted. 'Please.'

'Are you sure?' John asked, standing behind Anna and wrapping his arms around her waist. 'I am pretty tired.'

'Yeah, it's the age catching up with you,' Max said matter-of-factly, causing a stern look from his parents.

'And you're okay, Summer?' Anna asked. 'With everything?'

'Yes. I am really excited and probably won't sleep, but I am fine. Go to bed.'

Within a few moments, Anna and John were in bed together, the sounds of their children going to bed having tidied up making Anna feel a little better as she wriggled under the covers. She held John's hand tightly under the cover, leaning her head gently against his shoulder.

'That was a lovely evening,' John remarked, Anna sighing in agreement. 'We didn't do too badly, you and me. They're great kids.'

They are indeed, we are very lucky. The canvas was beautiful.'

'It was.' John turned on his side to rest an arm over Anna's stomach. She placed her hand over his arm as John kissed her forehead. 'It was nice to talk about the old times. We've made some wonderful memories together. But they wouldn't have been half as special if you hadn't been there to share them with me. And Summer getting married tomorrow. My baby girl. Well, my oldest baby girl. Do you know...'

John stopped speaking, the sound of Anna's breathing becoming shallower indicating to him that she had succumbed to sleep. John laughed gently to himself, Anna falling asleep as he spoke to her was becoming a more regular occurrence. Kissing her forehead once more, he gently removed his arm from her stomach and in a few moments, he himself, fell into a peaceful sleep.

* * *

Stirring slightly, John squinted as daylight flooded the room. Looking at his watch, he read it was just past ten o clock. Anna wasn't beside him, and after a few moments of stretching his relaxed limbs, John was soon aware of her whereabouts as noises from downstairs began to fill his ears. He could hear the kettle boiling, and the sound of laughter, Anna having left the bedroom door open. Sitting up in bed, John reached into the drawer next to his side of the bed. He pulled out a wad of yellow post it notes, and a pen. Tapping the top of the pen against his chin, he began to think what his reason for loving Anna today could be. Once written, John placed the yellow paper on Anna's wardrobe door, she was sure to see it before she got dressed. Reaching for his robe, John put it on and made his way downstairs.

'Good morning, Father,' Amelie said cheerfully as she saw John enter the kitchen. She and Summer were at the table busy making their way through their breakfast, lovingly prepared for them by their mother.

'Sleeping beauty makes an appearance,' Anna teased, moving towards John and kissing him on the cheek.

'Hey, I'm father of the bride today, I needed to be rested up for the occasion. And on that note, how is the bride feeling?'

'Nervous,' Summer answered as John kissed the top of her head, before doing the same to Amelie. 'But excited.'

'Good, that's how it should be.' John sat beside Amelie before becoming interested in what Anna was cooking. 'Is there any more of that going?'

'Patience husband,' Anna said as she tilted the frying pan in her hand.

'Where's Max?' John asked.

'Gone for a run,' Amelie replied though a mouthful of food.

'Rather him than me,' John grimaced as Anna placed a plate filled to the brim in front of him. A proper full English breakfast.

'You used to go for a run every day when I first met you,' Anna recalled, moving back towards the cooker. 'You used to come back all sweaty and dishevelled.'

'And more often than not you'd join me for a shower...'

'Please,' Amelie slammed her cutlery down on the table. 'Trying to eat here.'

'Sorry,' John said through an amused expression. 'With you being at Uni, and Max away training we've got used to having the place to ourselves.'

'Honestly Dad,' Summer moaned. 'We don't want to know what goes on when you and Mum are alone.'

Finding their children's torture thoroughly hilarious, through his mouthful of breakfast John shared a grin with Anna. After slyly winking at his wife, John jumped as Amelie stood up abruptly, picking up her plate of food in the process. She had seen the whole thing.

'I've had enough of this, I'm taking this through to the front room.'

'I'll join you, maybe watching some television will take my mind off the nerves.'

Now alone, John and Anna both started laughing. Anna moved to sit beside John at the table before speaking. 'You should stop teasing them like that. You'll give them nightmares.'

'Rubbish,' John replied before cutting into one of the sausages on his plate. 'What would they have thought of us if they had come home an hour or so earlier yesterday?'

John raised his eyebrows at Anna, the grin returning to his face. 'John Bates, you're making me blush.'

'I know,' he whispered, leaning in to meet her lips with his.

'Oh, for God's sake.' John and Anna pulled away from each other to see Max standing at the fridge, reaching for a bottle of water. 'You'd think you two were just about to get married the way you carry on.'

He disappeared out of the kitchen, walking into the living room to join his sisters.

'I'm going to start helping Summer get ready, time is getting on.'

'Anna, you know that I love you.' John announced suddenly. 'Don't you?'

'Of course.' She gave him a puzzled expression. 'Why?'

'I was sitting there in the living room last night, just sat watching the kids. And I just couldn't believe I had a part in creating something so perfect. Even now, I have to pinch myself to believe I am a father. To believe that you chose me to share your life with.'

'You silly beggar,' Anna gently chided, tapping John's hand before he clasped his fingers around Anna's.

'I'm serious. Thank you. For making my life worth living. I didn't deserve you the first time so I sure as hell didn't deserve you the second...'

'Stop right there,' Anna interrupted, placing a finger on John's lips before moving her hand to rest on his cheek. 'I have never wanted anybody else. You are the only man I have ever loved. We've had our ups and downs, but I just wouldn't work without you. That year apart showed me that. So don't ever say you don't deserve me.'

'Alright,' John breathed with a smile on his face. 'I'm sorry.'

'Now, I'm going to help our daughter get ready to get married. Eat up, it's going to be a busy day.'

* * *

With Summer now dressed and waiting downstairs with her father, Anna went into the bedroom she shared with John to get herself ready. Although having completely forgotten about it, Anna smiled as she saw a post it note attached to the wardrobe. She knew John wouldn't forget. Taking the paper from the wardrobe door, she sat down to read it.

_Reason #7306: For giving me the greatest gift a woman could ever give a man, a child. You gave me not 1, but 5 and I thank God everyday to have them and you in my life x_

* * *

Inhaling deeply, Summer peered out of the window as the church came into view. Clutching onto John's hand, she looked at him, an expression of concern etched on his face.

'Are you alright, my angel?' John asked as the car came to a halt.

'With you by my side, yes,' Summer replied, squeezing her father's hand.

'I like David but this isn't easy you know, Summer. I know Dylan is married, and Oscar soon will be but it's different when it's your daughter's big day. It was bad enough when you moved out, I just feel like I'm losing you completely today. '

'You still have Amelie...'

'Yes, I know that and I love her with all my heart but you were my first little girl,' John explained, turning in the car to face Summer. 'A right little Daddy's girl you were as well. I wasn't there all the time for the first year and it broke my heart every time I had to leave you. And the boys. I missed them too but me and you, we seemed to have a special bond from the start.'

'You know, I read once that a father should be his son's first hero and his daughters first love. I think I can speak for myself and the others when I say that is the case for us all. We are all so lucky to have not only you, but Mum as well. We were brought up in a house filled with love and protection, and we can't thank you enough for that.'

John looked away, overcome with emotion as he raised a hand to his lips. His voice was breaking as he spoke. 'You have no idea how much it means to hear you say that.'

'Oh Dad, it's the truth.'

They were interrupted by Anna knocking on the window of the car. 'Come on. Fashionably late is one thing, but twenty minutes?'

John and Summer both erupted into laughter, looking up at Anna as she tapped her watch.

'Ready to give me away, Daddy?'

'I'll never be ready to do that, but if I have to give you away to any man, David is a wonderful choice.'

'Come on,' Anna was still banging incessantly on the window before stepping aside to allow the chauffeur to open the door.

'Is David okay?' Summer asked, taking the chauffeurs hand in hers as he helped her out of the car.

'He's fine.' Anna replied. 'I'll see you later. Good luck, sweetheart.'

Anna kissed Summer on the cheek, smiled at John before running back inside. John was left with his two daughters by his side.

'Let's do this, shall we?' Amelie said, walking to stand behind Summer as she linked her arm with John's.

'You both look stunning today,' John remarked as they began walking towards the church, 'I'm a very proud father indeed.'

They reached the entrance to the church, the amount of people before them causing Summer to gasp. It was packed to the rafters, Summer was sure she had never had so many people staring at her at once.

'Bloody hell,' she stated under her breath as the organist began to play. 'I don't think I can actually move.'

'Really?' John said, looking down at Summer concerned.

'Relax Summer,' Amelie advised as they finally began to walk down the aisle. 'Look straight ahead. But not at the vicar, hot he is not.'

It must have been the nervousness of the situation but Amelie's simple remark caused John to start chuckling. It was just like his youngest daughter to make such a comment, to say exactly what she thought at a time like this. Summer was laughing softly too as Amelie began to quietly chastise the rest of the congregation.

'Also, don't be distracted by Great Aunty Violet's headwear,' Amelie continued. 'She assures us no animals were harmed in the making of it.'

'Am,' John hissed, the laughter now freely flowing as the three of them made their way down the aisle. It had worked. Summer's nervousness had all but disappeared as David came into view.

Once at the top of the aisle, Summer turned to hand Amelie her flowers. John bent down to place a kiss on Summer's cheek before turning his attentions to David.

'Take good care of her,' John said, moving Summer's hand in the direction of David's.

'Always,' David assured his future father in law as he grasped Summer's hand.

John nodded in acknowledgement before moving to stand beside Anna in the front pew.

'What were you lot laughing at?' Anna asked, her lips upturned into a curious smile.

'Nothing. That youngest daughter of ours should be a fashion critic.'

* * *

John walked out onto the decking, spotting Anna sitting on the bench to his right, his morning coat wrapped around her shoulders. Hands in his pockets, he moved towards her. She looked up to see him approaching her, sitting up to give him some room to sit beside her. John obliged, wrapping an arm around Anna's shoulders. The front lawn was awash with empty glasses, bottles and plates.

'That, my love. Was a good day.'

'Indeed it was,' Anna agreed, kissing John on the cheek. 'The kids gone up to bed?'

'Yeah, Max was bladdered. Amelie showed him to the right room.'

'Well, he deserves to cut loose a little.' Anna defended her son. 'Especially with how hard he's working.'

'Oh, I agree. I was talking to Robert earlier, they reckon he'll make a sergeant by the time he's 21. That will be a proud day.'

'Oliver was a handful,' Anna giggled as images of her grandson played through her mind. 'Reminds me so much of Dylan when he was a little boy.'

'Yes, I called him Dylan by accident a couple of times today.'

'Really?' Anna laughed before pressing herself closer to John. 'Bless him. Dylan's such a great father, reminds me of someone else.'

'Thank you.' John rubbed his temple against Anna's before kissing her there. 'And Oscar has it all to come. Holly was looking well.'

'She was, and I have no doubt Oscar will take in his own father's footsteps as well.'

Sighing, John looked to Anna as she turned her head to meet his gaze. 'You've never doubted me, have you?'

'I always had faith in you, John,' Anna revealed, settling back down against his chest. 'It was the only thing that kept me going at times. Anyway, what were you and the girls laughing about on the way down the aisle?'

'Oh, Summer was nervous so Amelie tried to diffuse the situation with her brand of humour.'

'Oh God, who did she make fun of?'

'Aunty Vi,' John revealed. 'It was highly amusing.'

'It looked it. It was lovely to see you all walking down the aisle, laughing together. It's a sight I shall treasure in my memory until my dying day.'

'As shall dancing with you tonight in mine,' John replied. 'It was a nice gesture of Summer to play our song.'

'The Reason. It was.'

'Talking of reasons, did you find your post it note for today?'

'I did. And it was wonderful.'

'Here's to the next seven thouand, three hundred and six reasons why I love you.' John quipped.

'Blimey,' Anna laughed, her body shaking against John's. 'Are there really that many more that you can think of?'

'Yes,' John replied confidently. 'And I can't wait to tell you them all.'


End file.
